Category Archives: Long Marriages

A Familiar Prompt

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Two years ago, when I was a new widow, Sundays were the most difficult day of every week. Apparently this isn’t uncommon for a woman who’s lost her husband, since he was the one she’d spent every Sunday with, from sharing a hymnal, to a brunch after church, through an afternoon nap.

In the beginning I couldn’t sit in a service without tears and usually had to make use of the two tissues in my pocket. Just seeing a couple seated side-by-side in the congregation was enough to produce a wave of distress. If the husband put his arm around his wife or took her hand, it was over for me. These simple gestures were poignant reminders of what I’d lost, and it took over a year to become sorrow-free in church again.

During this second year, however, attending church hasn’t been nearly as difficult. To the contrary, it’s been a blessing. This morning, though, without warning, something popped me back to that first year. All it took was seeing a man’s wedding band.

He was sitting in front of me and had his arm over the back of his daughter’s chair. His ring was identical to Nate’s with milgrain-style edging. I focused on that ring and thought of Nate’s wedding band hanging on a gold chain in my bedroom at home. It was on a necklace only because it had been taken off his hand before we buried him, but it was never meant to be jewelry for me.

Many young grooms opt out of wedding bands these days, but Nate was delighted to wear his. The day in 1969 when I put it on his finger was, he told me, one of his lifetime highlights. He was glad to display his ring as a sign that he was married and never tired of talking about his family.

No marriage is without its difficult places, though. Often couples are taken by surprise with the tough stuff that comes along: career disappointments, accidents, bone-deep fatigue, physical handicaps, parenting challenges, unexpected deaths, money shortages, severe illness. Any one of these can swamp a couple.

God explained his purpose for marriage when he said it wasn’t good for people to spend too much time alone, but marriage isn’t always easy. His idea was that there be two people bonded in a show of togetherness that could defend their union against any common enemy, no matter what it was. In other words, “Whatever has threatened you has threatened me, too, and we’ll fight it together.” As Mom used to say, shared burdens are cut in half.

This morning, my glimpse of a stranger’s wedding band brought a jumble of thoughts as I sat in church missing Nate. But tears didn’t factor in. While staring at that familiar-looking wedding ring, I felt God prompting me toward gratitude, because Nate had been the one who saw to it that we made it through even the hard times.

“Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves.” (Ecclesiastes 4:12a)

 

A Man of Integrity

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Today is the 20th anniversary of my Dad’s death in 1991. He married for the first time at 42 and was privileged to hit the 50 year mark with Mom, shortly before he died. Although he didn’t have even one health issue at the ripe old age of 92, a fall that splintered his pelvis into 13 pieces proved fatal. Although a young person could have tolerated traction for so long, immobilizing an elderly man worked against his survival.

Dad was born in 1899, a fact we children flaunted on school playgrounds. Mom used to say he was a contemporary of D.L.Moody who died 3 months after Dad was born. As a kid I used to reason that older was wiser, so Dad must have been the wisest father around.

The first child of parents who’d immigrated to America as teens, Dad spoke only Swedish when he walked into 1st grade at age 6. But he was quiet and observant, quickly learning English and other American ways, like how to avoid the knuckle-smack of an angry public school teacher.

He lost a little brother to pneumonia when he was 12, and his mother to TB at 13. After helping raise two younger siblings then training with the Army during World War I, he rode a streetcar to Northwestern University and emerged with two degrees. He navigated the Great Depression as a 30-something, and worked tirelessly to preserve his dying father’s real estate business.

My sister, brother and I loved hearing stories about the early 20th century, viewing him as a walking, talking history book. As a kid he chased after horse-drawn ice wagons hoping for loose chips on a hot day, and watched donkeys drag wagons of dirt out of hand-dug tunnels, Chicago’s eventual subway system. The city was paved with mud, election results were announced with fireworks, and all of it fascinated us.

Dad was honest to a fault. If a letter arrived with the stamp uncanceled, he’d say, “You can’t reuse that stamp, you know. It did what it was bought to do, and using it again would be robbing the postal service.” Letters only cost two cents then, but his statement was more about integrity than money.

Despite a bumpy background, Dad never experienced self-pity or bemoaned his losses, accepting life as it was. Although he wasn’t demonstrative and rarely shared his emotions, we all knew he loved us and would do anything in his power to help us. We also knew he gave 50% of his income to God’s work at the peak of his business career, which spoke volumes about his faith priorities.

My siblings and I were given a gift in Dad, but also a responsibility. Scripture says, “When someone has been given much, much will be required in return; and when someone has been entrusted with much, even more will be required.” (Luke 12:48)

And then there was Dad, who had much taken, but gave more than he’d been given anyway.

“Those who have been given a trust must prove faithful.” (1 Corinthians 4:2)

 

 

Spicy Relationships

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Nate and I married when he was a second year law student at the University of Illinois and I was a teacher in a small town. Without money, we feathered our first nest in Early Hand-Me-Down, delighted with reject-carpeting and a used couch. Sticking Contact paper onto cabinets, walls and canisters (coffee cans) made our place a beautiful backdrop for young love.

I remember the first couple-trip we made to the grocery store to buy supplies. Our 23” long receipt is still glued into my engagement scrapbook, a happy reminder of a delightful date-night (despite the extravagant $43.68 bottom line).

While we were at the grocery store, Nate asked if we could buy some spices. Since he didn’t cook, I wasn’t sure why, but we bought the minimum: salt, pepper, cinnamon… and nutmeg. We painted the one-bedroom apartment white, and I moved in. (Nate had to wait 3 months, till after our November wedding.)

Like every other young couple, we had love-names for each other. Some will remain a secret, but the one Nate used most was “Meg”. It was unique to him, and both of us used it on love notes and cards.

A month before we were married, I opened one of our two kitchen cabinets to get the cinnamon for toast and found a tiny love note attached to our lone spice can. Nate had taken a strip of masking tape, covered the “nut” in “nutmeg” and written “Nate’s” instead, i.e. “Nate’s Meg.” I loved it so much I’ve taken care of it for 42 years, and tonight the rusted can is sitting on my desk.

We weren’t unique in having special names for each other. Some newlyweds even have a language all their own, a vocabulary just for them. We weren’t any different, using tender words and inside jokes to make the most of every minute together.

Decades passed, and many of the pet names we had for each other disappeared, but as the years went by, we learned how to communicate better and better. Long-married wives and husbands figure out what works by finally surrendering what doesn’t. And if couples make it to a 40th or 50th anniversary, they know how to effectively talk to each other.

Someone else who communicates perfectly is God. He not only understands (and speaks) every language on the planet, he “gets” the slang and couple-vocab, too. Better still, he comprehends thought-language, yearnings we might have trouble putting into words.

This is good news for widows, who often agonize so deeply that a whimper or a sob is all they can “say”. Even then, God hears accurately, knowing their names and even their nicknames. As the old hymn says, Jesus is the lover of our souls. He may even have some nicknames of his own for us.

The nickname “Meg” stuck on greeting cards and notes until the day Nate died.  Although I eventually bought a new tin of nutmeg, Meg’s Nate can never be replaced.

“Undoubtedly there are all sorts of languages in the world, yet none of them is without meaning.” (1 Corinthians 14:10)

Getting Old

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My folks were married 50 years and 1 month before Dad died after a fall, at 92. Mom was only 79 at the time, 13 years his junior.

Although 13 years is a big gap between husband and wife, we kids thought nothing of it, because Mom and Dad made it work well. I remember only one incident, one comment, when their age spread surfaced. It occurred a few months before Dad died.

After they had spent an evening at our house, the two of them were walking toward the front door. Suddenly Mom, who adored Dad, said, “Carl, don’t shuffle. You’re walking like an old man.” (He was 92.)

In a way it was a compliment. She was saying, “I don’t think of you as an old man, so don’t act like one.”

After her comment, Dad picked up his feet, a compliment to her. He was saying, “I’m glad you think I’m still spry.”

Interestingly, after Dad died, Mom lived 13 more years, so God gave her the chance to know 92 as he had. Her conclusion? “Now I know why Dad shuffled,” she said. “He wanted to be sure he didn’t fall.”

With age comes wisdom, but sadly, while we’re young, we rarely value it and don’t often ask advice of our elders. All of us need to know the difference between being worldly wise and spiritually wise. I’ll take the latter, any day. Though the world reveres youth and sets the aged “out to pasture,” God thinks quite differently. He tells us in Scripture we’re to stand in the presence of the elderly and to always show them respect. Then he links both of those to revering him.

He put old people in important roles throughout the Bible and in doing so, highlighted their accomplishments for all time. But what were those accomplishments? Each one dealt with kingdom business, the stuff of eternity.

The world prizes financial wealth, political power, external beauty, physical strength, all of which will one day disappear. God values the things that last: sacrificial giving, humble hearts, godly character, faithfulness to him.

Elderly Christians shine in these ways, which is why the Lord allows them to flourish spiritually, even while they’re declining physically. It behooves us to get close to these people and glean all we can before they’re taken from us. And if you have trouble identifying who they are, just watch for a walk that’s more like a shuffle. It’s a sure clue wisdom resides within.

“The righteous… will still bear fruit in old age; they will stay fresh and green, proclaiming, ‘The Lord is upright; he is my Rock’.” (Psalm 92:14,15)

A Word from Rebecca Lutzer

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I’ve always wondered what life would be like as a pastor’s wife, particularly when the pastor has thousands in his congregation. My good friend Rebecca, wife of Pastor Erwin Lutzer of Moody Church, agreed to share a few thoughts on this subject in tonight’s blog.

“I’ve been a pastor’s wife for 35 years, and our family has had challenges like any other. ‘Living in a fish bowl’ produces its own unique stresses and demands. A dear older lady in our first pastorate told me, ‘Just be yourself.’ That was a little scary, but it turned out to be good advice.

“I grew up in the Dallas area in a dysfunctional family of extreme poverty but had a long-term dream of becoming a missionary nurse. God had a different plan, however, and I married a promising young professor/preacher. Because I’d told God I didn’t want to marry a pastor, I thought the Lord had made a mistake.

“Being shy and feeling inferior to other women, I was unprepared for the role and thought God was asking me to do the impossible. But in reality he was asking me to overcome these obstacles and learn to show hospitality, mercy and kindness to others.

“I struggled against the tendency to be like Martha in the New Testament, wanting everything to be just right for guests. I fretted over what others thought of my home and family, wondering how I could serve them with grace. Eventually I realized the state of my heart was more important than the state of my home, and I learned to set aside my Martha-tendencies and become more like Mary, sitting at Jesus’ feet.

“There have been times when I’ve resisted God’s will for me. I’ve made mistakes and have had heart-struggles with stubbornness anger, doubt, ungratefulness and pride. Over the years God dealt mercifully with me, teaching me from Scripture that he ‘resists the proud but gives grace to the humble.’ (James 4:6) And how wonderful it is that he always forgives.

“Having a solid, strong, loving marriage doesn’t prevent disagreements, disappointments and misunderstandings. As with most marriages, we came from different backgrounds, birth orders, and personalities. We’ve learned to encourage each others’ successes and gifts, give each other space and time to grow, and cherish those traits that are endearing.

“Our lives haven’t gone exactly as we thought they would, and some of our hopes and dreams will never happen. We wouldn’t  choose some of the experiences God had in mind for us, especially those involving pain and tragedy. But God works all these things together for good in our lives, and he always knows what’s best. The key to success in any marriage is being willing to deny our rights in order to serve each other. God wants us to forgive, even as we’ve been forgiven.

“Erwin and I have chosen a life verse to guide our marriage:

“Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:32)