This Thanksgiving is unlike any other. Some of us are gathered in Michigan, but many of us are elsewhere—especially Nelson, needing to stay close to the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota, and to avoid too much have a minimum of excitement.

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November 24, 2022

Thanksgiving Day.

Spent the day at Pastor Kevin’s with his wife and their little family. So nice of them to have us. The Dietrich’s tagged along, and it was a pleasure to have them as well.

I’ve been struggling most days with the new treatment of double doses of the two drugs together. Glad we opted out of going down to Michigan. It would have been way too much for us, for me for sure.

I feel so weak and tired and sick. It’s mostly tightness in my chest, trouble getting enough air, constant threat of fevers. I don’t know if I’m coming or going, to be honest.

I’m fighting panic attacks all the time. I struggle not to take Lorazepam, most of the time wanting some relief, but they make me so tired, and I already feel dead tired.

I’m a mess, and when I was taking these drugs before, I told myself, “Next time just tell yourself, ‘It’s only the drugs. You don’t really feel all that bad.’” But at this moment, right now, the fear that is grabbing a hold of me is tough to overcome with those words.

I know they are only drugs, but I’m scared. I pray instead:

Lord, help me please. Please help me overcome these physiological ailments. Help me lean on you instead of these drugs that don’t really work anyway. Help me to stand up and hang onto you. I don’t even know what that means really, but please help me do it.

You are my Shepherd. You lead me beside still waters. You help me to lie down in peace in green pastures. You prepare a table before me in the presence of our enemies and got us this house. You do amazing things when I don’t even see it.

Help my lungs to clear out. Help me to see a real live miracle. I have the faith, Lord. You are the Great Physician. You can heal. You can take away this cancer. You can bring me out into a spacious place.

Please refresh my soul and do it for your name’s sake. Right now I feel I am in the darkest valley, but I will fear no evil. Your rod and your staff they comfort me. You have anointed my head with oil, over and over. I pray that your power would come on me only by your Spirit.

Thank you for my family, for our little house, for the love we have and especially for Annso. She is such a rock for me. So steady. I’m so thankful that she’s not super up and down.

Thank you that I’m not at the hospital and am healthy enough to be here with everyone.

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“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me.” (Psalm 23:4)