Category Archives: Marriage

Be prepared.

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I loved being a Girl Scout. Our motto was: “Be prepared.” This meant we were always to be mentally and bodily ready to face difficulties or even danger by knowing what to do and when to do it.

In an effort to get properly prepared, our leaders encouraged us to earn badges to prove how prepared we actually were. They taught us to make a fire, understand food nutrition, know about leadership, learn water safety, and much more.

As we earned our badges, we accumulated knowledge, and in order to apply it, our leaders role-played with us, testing our responses to different hypotheticals. They figured if we practiced enough, when a moment of need arose, we’d automatically jump in to help in appropriate ways.

Role-playing is a practical way to learn, and most of us do it eagerly. For example, before a couple gets married, they often attend counseling together. The pastor or teacher describes marriage moments they’re bound to encounter and asks how each would respond. The resulting discussions point out potential problems.

Nate and I did plenty of role-playing as we prepared for marriage: “What if we don’t have children? What if we do? If we move away from family, how will we handle that?” We worked to trouble-shoot, hoping we wouldn’t have too many bumps in the adjustment road, once we were married. It was all part of getting prepared.

At the other end of our marriage, as empty nesters heading toward retirement, we role-played once again: “When is it best to retire? Then what? And should we move? If so, what’ll happen when our children and grandchildren visit? And will our money last through old age? Should we travel before we get too old?” We wanted to be prepared.

The thing we didn’t role-play was an “early” death for one of us. “What will your/my life look like, if you/I should die? How can we prepare for that?” Other than life insurance, we hadn’t even discussed it.

Subsequently, when we learned of Nate’s cancer, we huffed and puffed trying to prepare, but death caught up to us before we were ready. When it was all over and I was alone, I stood in my living room on a wintry night and thought, “Now what? I’m completely unprepared for this.”

But God, who’s always ready for everything, had a good answer. “Since you couldn’t prepare for what was coming next, I did it for you.”

And here’s what he’d prepared:

  1. my grieving process
  2. this blog to tend
  3. a book to write
  4. Birgitta and her baby to help

In hindsight I can see he had me ready, so I’m not going to worry about what numbers 5 or 6 will be. And if I’ve learned anything in the last few years, it’s that living within God’s preparedness is a better place to be than role-playing the unknown, all by myself.

 “I cry out to God Most High, to God who will fulfill his purpose for me.” (Psalm 57:2)

Burden-Bearer

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After a woman learns she’s expecting her first baby, like it or not she’s joined the Burden-Bearing Club. She doesn’t feel the weight of it at first, but as the weeks pass, understanding dawns. Then after 9 months, she’s eager to go through the misery of labor and delivery, because it means she can unload her burden.

But burden-bearing doesn’t end there. All parents quickly become acquainted with the lifting, hauling, and holding that their new role brings. Even a 7 pound newborn becomes a back-breaker after enough carrying duty.

Looking back on the heavy lifting of parenthood, my prominent thought is of Nate. His M.O. was always to lighten my load, and his constant question was, “Can I carry that for you?” Even if he already had his arms full and I had only one thing, he’d offer to take it from me.

I remember trudging through Disney World years ago with our own children and another family, watching Nate walk ahead of me next to the other dad. The two men were laughing, having a good time, and Nate resembled a pack horse for all the bags and bundles hanging from his shoulders. But because his motivation was always to help me, he carried his load lightly.

Scripture describes a similar picture when God says, “Can I carry that for you?” He’s referring to our sins, knowing how burdened we feel when we know we’re in the wrong and haven’t done anything about it.

The biblical David described this exact dilemma: “My guilt overwhelms me—it is a burden too heavy to bear. I am on the verge of collapse… But I confess my sins; I am deeply sorry for what I have done.” (Psalm 38:3-4,17-18) If we follow David’s example, we’ll find the same relief he did: “May all who search for you [Lord] be filled with joy and gladness in you. May those who love your salvation repeatedly shout, ‘The Lord is great!’ You are my helper and my savior.” (Psalm 40:16-17)

Although Nate’s shouldering of my burdens had to end when he passed away, God’s carrying never stops. He established it permanently when Jesus took responsibility for all sin, for all time, everywhere. And it’ll continue forevermore for anyone who takes advantage of the reprieve he offers.

I probably shouldn’t have taken such regular advantage of Nate’s offer to carry my burdens, but his “can I carry” continued, even when he didn’t feel good. This picture, taken about 6 months before he died, tells the tale. We knew nothing of his deadly cancer then, although it had probably already taken hold, but his back was torturing him. Even then he asked if he could carry my weighty red purse on a sight-seeing trip in England.

 

Although every good man offers to carry his wife’s burdens, only the finest will shoulder her purse.

“Give your burdens to the Lord, and he will take care of you.” (Psalm 55:22)

Fragile Love

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This afternoon when Jack, Louisa and I were at the beach on what felt like a mid-summer day, we came across a deeply-cut, stick-scrawled message in the sand: “Will you marry me?”

No one else was around. “What do you think?” I said. “Authentic?”

“Well,” she said, “it would be the perfect idea for a couple that loves the beach.”

Then she noticed a second etching. “Look at that big heart!”

Sure enough, there was not one but several hearts, each one a few paces from the other in a long line, much like stepping stones. “I’ll bet he brought her to the beach and led her along the hearts till she came to his question at the end.” Louisa said. “How romantic!”

We walked both directions looking for a big “YES!” but considered it might have been washed away by the waves.

In the 1050’s, Pat Boone sang a song called, “Love Letters in the Sand.” It started happily:

On a day like today
We passed the time away
Writing love letters in the sand.

But by the end of the song it had turned into a tale of woe:

Now my broken heart aches
With every wave that breaks
Over love letters in the sand.

Human love can be fleeting, nearly as fragile as words scratched in sand with a stick. Our feelings for someone can disappear as quickly as the tide can erase sandy letters.

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *     *

As we continue through the season of Lent toward the cross, I’m glad Jesus didn’t approach his mission based on his feelings at the time. If he had, he wouldn’t have died for us, because he sure didn’t feel like it. Instead he summoned up an unshakeable will to do it God’s way rather than his own. And it was for one reason: he loved us.

If only we could love like that! We don’t, because it requires setting aside our feelings to favor someone else. Instead we say, “We aren’t like Jesus! We can’t possibly love like him.” Would he agree with that?

He’d probably say, “You think you can’t love like I do? How about if I do it for you, from within you? Could you do it then?”

And of course the only correct answer is, “Yes.”

Maybe that’s where we slip up. We forget to ask him to love through us, and try to do it by ourselves. The Bible says, “No one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God.” (1 Corinthians 2:11) Similarly, no one can love like Jesus unless the Spirit of God loves through him. By ourselves, we can’t do it.

Today at the beach as we came to the end of our search for more messages, we saw blurred letters in the sand that had been partially washed away by water: “[blank] and Jenna.”

I hope Jenna and her fiance’ will do better than Pat Boone did.

“The Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us… love.” (2 Timothy 1:7)

Sanctuary Time

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There are many troubled marriages these days, and America’s divorce rate of 50% tells that tale. But the same statistic also shows that 50% of marriages are pretty good.

Most people are over-worked physically and under-nourished emotionally. Marriages suffer in that environment, deprived of the quality time and attention needed to go the distance. Wives and husbands who are committed to making their love last have to work hard to find unpressured time together.

My marriage partner has been gone for 2 years, and for many months I’ve had trouble ending each day. I’ve stayed up past 3:00 or 4:00 AM repeatedly, reluctant to climb the stairs and go to bed. This seems extreme, and I’m not sure of the reason. The short answer is that I don’t like sleeping alone. But that isn’t completely true. Although having two in a bed brings security, comfort, and love, I think there’s something else bothering me.

Married couples who love each other have something special waiting for them at the end of each day. After going separate ways from dawn to dusk chasing different pursuits, they finally put their children to bed, set aside their worries, and meet behind closed doors. The bedroom becomes a type of sanctuary.

There they can talk and listen to each other, commiserate with the stresses of the day, laugh a little, maybe spend time reading side-by-side or share a bowl of popcorn on the bed. Late at night the phone doesn’t ring, the children don’t interrupt (usually), and revitalizing sleep is just around the corner. Both can take a deep breath followed by a long, feel-good sigh. The day is almost over.

And I think that’s my problem. My husband-wife sanctuary time is gone.

Nate’s last couple of years were dominated by back pain that demanded he lie down earlier and earlier, and I stayed up late to manage two high schoolers. But once we knew he had cancer, we immediately reestablished our sanctuary time. He still eased himself onto the bed early, but I climbed in then, too. Despite the house being full of people, Nate and I had those last precious moments of every day to ourselves before he would drift into sleep. And it was then we talked about the challenge at hand: terminal cancer.

But that wasn’t all. We also talked about our past lives, how we met, our marriage, the children, unnumbered blessings, unmet goals, God’s choices for us, and the “what-ifs” of the future, both his and mine. It was a painful time but was also laced with sweet declarations of love and some very potent promises.

I know my current struggle to climb the stairs and end each day will eventually mitigate. Meanwhile, as I put one foot in front of the other, I try to remind myself the Lord goes up the steps with me, offering his love and potent promises along with a willingness to be the other half of the last conversation of every day.

And when dawn arrives and I get to head down the steps again, he goes with me then, too.

“The Lord is trustworthy in all he promises and faithful in all he does.” (Psalm 145:13)

Out from under Regret

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Virtually every widow struggles with regret. She’s haunted by the many ways she could have been a better wife and thinks, “I should have… I wish… If only…”

When I think of my own marriage, one thing Nate modeled exceptionally well was his consistency in thanking me. There were other things in his life he struggled to be grateful for, but I wasn’t one of them. If I filled his drawer with clean underwear, he’d find me and let me know how much he appreciated it. If I brought his dry cleaning home, he’d thank me for taking such good care of him. And though I made simple dinners, he never ate one of them without voicing gratitude.

Some wives might have found this over-the-top, but it always felt good to me. My regret is not having done the same for him. I should have daily thanked him for battling it out at work. I could have mentioned his kindness each time he filled my car with gas or willingly picked up our children at odd hours.

Interestingly, I often had thankful thoughts toward Nate but over and over failed to transform those into audible words. In each case, then, the only one benefitting was me.

All of us can recall situations in which we liked what people did, what they said, or what they looked like, but didn’t deliver the compliment or word of appreciation. We thought it, but didn’t speak it out.

The biblical book of James says our tongues can be used for good or evil, to soothe or irritate. There’s a No Man’s Land in the middle, though, that he doesn’t mention, words in our heads that have the power to bless others but never make it to our tongues.

But we’re not left without instruction on this. God sees our wordless thoughts and says, “I the Lord search the heart and examine the mind, to reward each person according to their conduct, according to what their deeds deserve.” (Jeremiah 17:10)

He’s saying, “I’m looking for those affirmative thoughts you have toward others and will bless you if you voice them. When you speak goodness over someone else, I classify that as a deed worthy of reward. If you hold it in, you not only haven’t blessed others, you’ve also forfeited a blessing for yourself.”

Since I’ve repeatedly fallen short on this, my response to God’s statement is to admit failure and ask for help. Hopefully he’ll pluck thankful words from my brain and set them on my tongue, moving in with his supernatural controls. Because he is able when I am not, I know it can be done.

And while I’m trying to remember to say good things to others, I can practice by verbalizing words of praise to God.

“All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and sea creatures are being tamed and have been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue.” (James 3:7,8)