Roadside Memorial

Posted on August 2, 2010 by Margaret

We’ve all driven past small, hand-made memorials on the side of the highway, and this week I noticed a new one very near my home. Pulling off onto the grassy shoulder of the four lane road, I walked back to the cluster of items that made up the memorial. A beautiful wooden cross held a plaque that read, “Frankie L. Pipkins III, May 30, 1991, January 6, 2010.”

Frankie died at 18. I felt sick to my stomach, envisioning a horrendous car crash and a family’s shock. As I stood and studied what this young man’s loved ones had left in memory of him, I hoped maybe someone from his family might come by to visit the memorial, too. I craved more information about this teenager and wanted to ask questions of the people who loved him.

Next to the cross was a Christmas wreath decorated for the holidays with a string of red lights, silver bows and several ornaments: a pewter half-moon with an angel sitting on it next to the word “peace”, an old-fashioned Santa, and four ceramic ornaments with the words “hope, love, dream, wish.”

Also hanging from the wreath was a girl’s silver necklace with a ring on it, a pair of guy-sunglasses and two beaded necklaces with small footballs hanging from them.

Artificial sun flowers and lilies nearly hid a telling piece of the memorial. Nestled in the grass at the base of the cross was the insignia from Frankie’s vehicle. The FORD logo, still attached to a jagged piece of red metal, sent a chill up my spine. I’m not sure why anyone would place that there, but as I crouched near the ground, I saw small hunks of red metal everywhere.

Bending to pick up one piece, I realized they were all firmly embedded in the hard ground, probably driven in by the terrible impact. But just when I started to weep over this young person’s violent end, I spotted something hopeful, a note written by hand and put next to the cross:

“Psalm 115:15 – May you be blessed by the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.”

Had Frankie been raised in a home where God was lifted up and his Word taught? Did he know the Lord as his personal Savior? If he did, he’s healthy and whole in paradise, possibly shaking hands with Nate. But what about his family? Are they healthy and whole? Although we had “only” 42 days with Nate, Frankie’s family had only one instant to absorb the dreadful truth.

I gathered up several stems of Queen Anne’s lace growing nearby and laid them next to the cross. If the Pipkins family ever visited their memorial, they might be encouraged to know that someone else had stopped to think about their Frankie, too.

“Discipline yourself for the purpose of godliness, for bodily discipline is only of little profit, but godliness is profitable for all things, since it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come.” (1 Timothy 4:7-8)

The Marrying Kind, Part V

Posted on August 1, 2010 by Margaret

A year ago at this time, Nate and I knew nothing of the terminal cancer diagnosis that was about to crash into our lives. But he was experiencing serious back pain and was looking forward to “going under the knife” for a chance at reducing his agony.

Spring was difficult as he continued to work a full schedule, commuting to Chicago’s Loop daily from the suburbs. But when he arrived home at 7:00 pm, he was exhausted. The stresses of lawyering didn’t compare to the strain of fighting constant pain.

Nate became especially low during the weeks when I was packing up the house to move. I’d spend the short evening with him and then, after he was asleep, would head back to the basement crawl space.

As I dug into boxes of memorabilia, I came across reminders of past friendships and events. It occurred to me Nate might enjoy looking at some of the items if he couldn’t sleep during the night. Good memories might be a happy distraction from the pain that continually tormented him.

He always sat on one end of a short couch where the lamp shone well on his reading material and the table was just right to hold his coffee, Post-its, pen and phone. I decided to try my idea and put a letter from an old law school friend on the table. I knew he’d see it before the night had ended.

In the morning, the letter from his pal was lying on the kitchen counter with a Post-it note attached and a “remember when” statement. My plan had worked. For at least a few minutes during his painful night, he’d been lifted to a different time and place.

As I continued working in the basement, I’d set things aside to use in the middle-of-the-night “mail drop.” And every morning the item was in the kitchen with a note attached. Eventually he told me he looked forward to seeing what was on the table, thanking me for this nightly walk down Memory Lane.

And then I found the letter he’d written to my parents shortly after we were engaged. (The Marrying Kind, Part III) I set it on his table, and in the morning his attached Post-it had two lines of poetry on it:

“When all the world and love was young —

Come live with me and be my love.”

After 40 years of marriage, Nate had again declared his love for me. One of the lines in his letter had said: “Love for Margaret is a spiritual gift with which the Lord has blessed me.”

When I first read that, it sounded grandiose and exaggerated. But in thinking about love being the creation of God, Nate’s declaration was on target. Scripture says God himself is love and that true love always initiates with him.

I do know one thing beyond all doubt. Nate loved me unconditionally. His Post-it note, attached to the letter he wrote 40 years earlier, bookended a lifetime of love toward me that had not waned through all those years. Because I was not always loveable, and because Nate loved me anyway, there is no other explanation except to say, as he did, that love is a gift from God.

And I’m thankful Nate unwrapped it and shared it with me.

“Let us continue to love one another, for love comes from God.” (1 John 4:7a)

The Marrying Kind, Part IV

Posted on July 31, 2010 by Margaret

Mom didn’t have anything specific against Nate, although she didn’t know him very well. Her objection to our sprint toward the altar had more to do with surprising her than upsetting her. My sister had had a year-long engagement, and in Mom’s opinion, that was the wisest way to approach marriage. A long engagement would let Nate get one more year of law school under his belt and would give her enough time to plan a wedding.

But in my opinion, she wasn’t considering our point of view with the stress of carrying on a long-distance relationship. To Nate and I it seemed impractical, unnecessary and painful to postpone being together.

Nate wasn’t discouraged and began making an effort to win Mom’s approval. As his Army commitment ended, he came to my house for a week’s visit, willingly placing himself under close parental scrutiny.

When he arrived, he presented Mom with a gift, a black and white Wedgwood china planter, big enough for a ten inch pot to fit inside, along with a stand to place it on. None of the other guys I’d dated through the years had ever brought such a beautiful gift to her, and she took note. Had he “researched” ahead of time to know how much she loved plants?

Nate began watching her and quickly offering to lift a heavy box or bring an item down from a high shelf. “Let me do that,” he’d say. And Mom noticed. He also did something else none of my other boyfriends had done. He hugged her. She began looking forward to those and once in a while initiated them herself.

Before long, she began to treat him differently, more like one of her own. She still had an issue with planning a wedding in several weeks, but slowly she stopped talking about a year-long engagement. We started negotiations for a workable date, and in the end agreed on Thanksgiving weekend.

Mom’s extra perk was that many of our relatives arrived early enough to share Thanksgiving dinner with us. Nate’s and my perk was having to wait only a couple of months longer than we’d originally planned.

The Lord wants us to honor our parents. Scripture says we’re to show respect for them, listen to their counsel and figure out ways to bring them joy. We’re also to avoid causing them grief and to bless them whenever possible. In approaching Mom as he had, Nate had followed God’s design for acting wisely. And it paid off, as obedience to the Lord always does.

The biggest surprise, however, wasn’t given to Nate. Mom gave it to me. One day she handed me a pretty gift-wrapped package and said, “This is something I bought for you many years ago. Finally the time is right to give it to you.”