Category Archives: Widowhood

Heartache Headquarters

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Yesterday we left the biblical Peter on an all-night fishing trip aching to be with Jesus, not sure it would ever happen again. After a miserable night of fishing failure (and probably confusion over what he would do with his future), all of a sudden his greatest longing materialized on the beach – a wonderfully familiar voice calling across the water to him!

Jesus calls to the men

Could it be? Did he dare hope? When their fishing net miraculously filled with fish, he knew, and from the core of his heart the ache exploded into fervent glee. It was so overpowering he threw himself into the sea, swimming wildly toward shore and his beloved Friend. Peter no longer cared about the monster-sized catch of fish, his boat, the other men, or anything other than the Person on the beach.

This is one of those scriptural moments when I envision Jesus throwing his head back and laughing as he watched Peter thrash through the water toward him. Did they embrace when he got there, wet man and dry man?

Jesus had been almost playful the way he’d surprised the men with that net of fish. And it wasn’t lost on them that he worked a second wonder when the strained net didn’t rip.

The whole scene must have been punctuated with shouts of happiness as the men encircled Jesus and reveled in the rich satisfaction of being with him again. Proverbs 13:19 says, “The desire accomplished is sweet to the soul,” a truth written all over these disciples on that day.

As I studied this passage, God asked me a question: “Margaret, do you long to see Jesus as much as Peter did?”

“Sure!” my heart answered. “Of course!”

Missing Nate

But then came his second question: “As much as you long to see Nate?”

“Well,” I thought, avoiding the answer, “when my heart aches to see Nate again, the longing will never be satisfied on earth as it was for those disciples. So of course I’m excited about seeing him in heaven.”

On and on my mental reasoning went. “I miss the daily companionship of my husband, the one I knew so well. I miss our conversations and his counsel. I miss him coming home at night, and I miss our I-love-you’s. The thought of one day having him back in all those ways sometimes makes me ache to see him.”

The more I thought about it, though, the more I knew something was amiss in my heartache-headquarters. That’s when God asked his last question: “Do you think you could get to know Jesus even better than you knew Nate?”

It was important to think about that, and in my deepest heart, even deeper-down than my sometimes-ache for Nate, I knew that if I made an effort to get to know Jesus better than ever before, the end-result would be a Peter-esque longing for him that would be unmatched by any other… even my longing for Nate.

“Grow in the…. knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.” (2 Peter 3:18)

Life – Ongoing

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One thing about us widows is that we stick together, and the question all new widows ask each other is, “How long before I feel better?”

Meanwhile, life keeps happening, and a widow’s first hurdle is to accept the shock that when her husband died, the rest of the world kept going. Such a discovery makes her feel isolated, but the fact that life goes on can also be a motivator, preventing her from believing that there’s nothing more to live for.

Prints from Nicholas

One month before my husband Nate and I heard the words “pancreatic cancer,” we had our annual double-birthday party. By then we were grandparents to 18 month old Skylar and 7 month old Nicholas. Since both lived far from our Michigan home (Florida and England), it was wonderful to receive birthday greetings and photographs from both that year.

Prints from Nicholas.

Nicholas’ parents had made ceramic mugs for Nate and I with his baby handprints and footprints on them. This grandchild is 4 years old now, and when he was last here at Christmas time, I showed him the mugs. He matched his much larger hand to his baby handprint and enjoyed seeing how much he’d grown.

As I continue to use those two mugs, I can’t help but think how much has happened since Nate left us. And of course there’s more “happenings” to come. Klaus reminded me today that his fiancée Brooke never met her future father-in-law, since she came into Klaus’ life a few weeks after Nate died.

Klaus and Brooke.

But what he said immediately after that warmed me. “After all I’ve told her about Papa, she feels like she knows him.” Because Nate was important to Klaus, he frequently and freely talks about him. And because he’s been important to Klaus, he’s becoming important to Brooke.

Our loved ones may die, but as life moves away from their death dates, the influence they’ve had on other people hasn’t died. Sometimes it’s even expanded.

I love talking about Nate and the experiences I’ve had with him, and as I thought about this, I asked myself if I do as well talking about Jesus and the experiences I’ve had with him. Are the people around me, especially those who haven’t met him personally, coming to know him through my steady references to him? Do they “feel like they know him” as Brooke feels about Nate?

Life is moving forward. Birthdays are accumulating. Small hands and feet are growing bigger. Some people are dying while others are being born. But Jesus stays the same through every change and has promised to stick with widows (and anyone else who so desires) as they go through them. He’s just hoping those of us who already know him will faithfully make him known.

The Apostle Paul said, “I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me — the task of testifying to the good news of God’s grace.” (Acts 20:24)

Christmas Gifts from Nate

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Nate’s been gone for 3 years. Elements of grieving linger in our family, and we all think about him daily, sometimes hourly. Once in a while I still have a minute-to-minute day when he’s in my thoughts constantly.

The holidays when we’re all together except him can trigger renewed grief, but this year Nate “appeared” during our family Christmas celebration by putting a gift for each of his children under the Christmas tree. Not directly, of course, but through me.

I’d kept all of Nate’s neckties except those having to do with the holidays. (The Ties That Bind) Those went to his office mates, since they’d loved teasing him every December when he wore a different Christmas tie each day. But the others (60 or so) hung in my closet, a potent reminder that he was gone.

Maybe the sight of them should have cheered me, but during the 3 years since he died, they’ve produced only sadness. So last year I hung them in the back of the closet where I wouldn’t see them at all, which remedied my immediate problem but wasn’t a permanent solution. I contemplated giving them to Good Will, but that didn’t seem right either.

Nate loved ties and had over 100 of them. He enjoyed the selection process each morning and wore them all, even the ones that had dots of salad dressing or other stains. The truth was that I loved his ties, too, each one a mini-friend. I really wanted to keep them “in the family.”

So, at the beginning of this year, I asked God for an idea. What could I do with the ties that would be meaningful to my family without being a sad reminder of Nate’s absence? As always, the Lord had a great idea. He reminded me of a friend of a friend who sews for a living. Could she do something with Nate’s ties that would transform yet preserve them?

After a few emails back and forth, she and I settled on 16” throw-pillows made from the ties, so I mailed them all to her and hoped for the best. When the finished pillow covers arrived in early December, I knew God’s idea had been the perfect solution. Each pillow was unique and beautiful, and the ties were no longer unused and sad, hanging in my closet.

As I wrapped the pillows in Christmas paper, I worried our children might feel funny about seeing all those familiar ties cut into pieces, but they loved their pillows and quickly identified their favorite ties.

Our God is utterly faithful in all categories. When he invites us to pray, he intends to answer. And he always, always follows through, even if it’s just with an idea for what to do with a husband’s ties.

“My God will meet all your needs.” (Philippians 4:19)