Category Archives: Hearing from God

Wait-and-See

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Between my sister’s family and mine, we’ve racked up 25 trips to local emergency rooms. Admittedly, most were a result of raising 14 adventurous children, but we adults have to take credit for some of them. Yesterday it was my turn.

One week ago a searing pain took over my left side so powerfully I couldn’t move to reach my phone or get enough breath to yell for Birgitta in the next room. It raged for nearly an hour before subsiding but eventually went away completely.

Later that day I told Louisa and Birgitta about it but asked them to keep it quiet. Although they honored my request, they pressured me to tell my sister Mary, our family nurse. I knew if I did, she’d insist I take immediate medical action, so I decided instead to just wait-and-see.

As the week progressed, other curious symptoms popped up: two sharp pains in the upper back, occasional dizziness, achy feelings in my chest, extra fatigue. Were these warnings about an approaching heart event? I didn’t want to risk damage by waiting, but didn’t want to over-react either. So I did what I always do when I don’t know what to do.

I asked God, then decided to just wait-and-see.

A short while later, I was catching up on emails and among them was a friend’s description of an adult daughter’s new heart problem. She also shared about her husband’s unexpected heart procedure at age 70. All I could think was, “Lord, you’ve answered my prayer, and now I know what to do.”

I told Mary.

Although I wasn’t in severe pain, within 90 minutes I was packed and driving from Michigan to Chicago where the two of us walked into the E.R. at Rush Medical Center. Approaching the check-in desk I casually said, “I’m having mild chest pain and…”

In seconds I was tucked into a wheelchair and whisked toward multiple blood tests, a chest x-ray, a rolling EKG, an IV line, and hospital admittance. I didn’t even have time to notify my children. My medical adventure culminated in this morning’s treadmill stress test, monitored by a doctor, a nurse, and a tech.

The upshot of the whole episode? I’m 100% heart-healthy with less than a 1% chance of ever having a heart attack.

So what was that all about? Maybe it was to prompt gratitude for the days I’m not in an ER. It could have been to get educated about heart-health, which we did. Maybe it was to newly appreciate my sister’s love and concern. Possibly it was a dress rehearsal for what’s coming, or a test of whether or not I really trust God when trouble hits. I guess I’ll just wait-and-see.

The whole thing leaves me with several questions, but I may never get the answers. Though ER docs suggested I follow-up with my regular internist this week, I think I’ll just…

wait-and-see.

“Keep watch over me and keep me out of trouble; don’t let me down when I run to you.” (Psalm 25:20, The Message)

Timing is everything.

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Most women are aware of how difficult it is to pull off a surprise party. Only a few can be in on the secret, and alibis have to jive with each other if the “surprisee” begins to suspect. But timing is important, and catching a dumbfounded look on film when the effort is successful is worth all the effort.

Surprises that come in pretty packages are also cause for delight, as are surprise visits from loved ones or surprising accolades, compliments, or awards. But there are surprises that are so startling people catch their breath and say, “I sure didn’t see that coming!”

And that’s what happened to me.

Birgitta came home from the University of Iowa to Michigan in an unusual frame of mind. I could tell something was bothering her, but 24 hours later nothing had been mentioned. When evening came, I decided to bring my ironing board and a pile of wrinkled clothes up from the basement, thereby rooting myself to one spot and making myself available to her. When she came and sat down in front of me, I knew that whatever it was, it was about to come out.

“I have something to tell you, Mom,” she said, starting to cry. “It’s really hard to say.”

As she struggled to form words, the urge to put my arms around her was overwhelming. I wanted to stop the hurt, whatever it was, as quick as possible. That’s what every mother wants to do. I longed to blurt out, “Oh, Honey, whatever it is, it doesn’t matter! It’s ok! I love you!”

But something held me back. She had labored to get to that point, and it was as if God said, “Don’t interrupt her. Be quiet.” But my mind was spinning, searching for the reason she was in such an intense emotional battle. And then she voiced the two-word sentence most parents hope never to hear from an unmarried daughter: “I’m pregnant.”

And I sure didn’t see that coming.

Although she spoke the words and I did hear them, what spoke even louder was the pain she was in. It was telling me, “Your precious daughter needs your love.”

And right then God said, “Ok. Now.” And Birgitta let me enfold her in my arms, a blessing to us both.

As we talked (and sometimes cried) into the night, we ended up with more questions than answers, but the one certainty in the room was God’s involvement. Psalm 127 says children are a gift from him, not just some children but all of them. So Birgitta’s baby was his gift, and we were sure of that because he told us so.

Although the future is unknown and we have many questions, God has already given us one of the answers: the unusual timing of this surprise package is going to be part of what’s important about this gift.

“Our lives are in his hands.” (Psalm 66:9)

Choosing Life

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Tonight Louisa, Birgitta, and I decided to share a movie together, one that came recommended as “highly moral” and “deeply moving.” We should have packed the Kleenex box.

In the film “October Baby” Hannah, a 19-year-old college student, finds out that her many longstanding health problems are a result of having been delivered prematurely, at 24 weeks, because of a failed abortion. The movie follows her as she searches for answers to the mysteries of her past and watches her struggle to find the woman who opted to abort her. Hannah battles the overwhelming emotion of feeling hated and unwanted, determined to rearrange her life according to what she finds out on her quest.

Poignant moments? They came one after another.

The movie detailed the misery of abortion, not just for the woman and her child but for the periphery players as well. As the credits rolled, we sat in our theater seats stunned by what we’d seen. The scriptural word pictures from Psalm 139 rushed through my mind: “For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret.” (v. 13-15)

The fact that the “soul knows it very well” is the reason, I believe, women who’ve had abortions are bothered, even tormented later by having made that decision. Thankfully the movie highlighted the balm of forgiveness, from God, and from person-to-person, marking a clear path for viewers who might need healing, to find it.

Maybe the deeper reason the movie impacted me significantly tonight was that sitting next to me was Birgitta, my precious daughter, who found herself alone in an Iowa clinic in February, listening to a woman explain the abortion possibility for her unplanned baby.

But Birgitta chose life.

So now we are expecting our own “October Baby.”

“I have set before you life and death, the blessing and the curse. So choose life in order that you may live, you and your descendants, by loving the Lord your God, by obeying His voice, and by holding fast to Him.” (Deuteronomy 30:19-20)

Giving Back

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This blog has always been a therapy for me, a place I eagerly look forward to going every day. It began as a bulletin board for family and friends when Nate was sick, then morphed into a place where I could work through the struggles of new widowhood. Readers were gracious and supportive then, and still are today.

Looking back over recent posts I see how they’ve become less and less about me and more and more about God. He’s become my shining star, a gleaming guide who is front and center in my life and on my blog. Writing about him will always be satisfying, and because of who he is, I’ll never run out of material.

Something impressive through the last couple of years is how extensively he has delivered a wealth of wisdom to me through you, dear reader. You’ve responded to my posts by sharing nuggets of gold, braving the comment boxes and the contact button in a way that has benefited me, and also other readers on this site.

Much of what you’ve written I’ve copied and saved in a cyberfile labeled, “Interesting Stuff,” and I can’t count the times I’ve returned to this compilation to hear you again. The following comment, left by a reader named Tina (10/27/09,“Tired”) seems to apply in a potent way to Easter week:

“I’m writing this with a hotel pen that says, ‘See the world. Stay with us.’ Seems a contradiction, since the world is a large place, and a hotel is not. When Jesus speaks, there’s no contradiction. ‘In my Father’s house there are many mansions. I go to prepare a place for you.’ What I often forget is that He also stayed to prepare me for that place. Thank God for each morning’s new mercies… a cup of coffee, a warm hug, a baby’s drooling prattle, Scriptures that swell with meaning, then fit snugly into the day’s arsenal of resources. Another day. Another boatload of God’s tender compassions.” 

Easter week is the perfect time to zero in on the long list of resources that are mine (and yours) as a result of Jesus Christ’s willingness to take my sins into himself and suffer his Father’s incalculable wrath. For me.

He died, yet he lives. He departed, yet he stayed. He takes, yet he gives abundantly, an “arsenal of resources” with which to live our lives, every day.

And one of the valuable resources he’s given me, has been you.

“Because of God’s tender mercy, the morning light from heaven is about to break upon us,to give light to those who sit in darkness and in the shadow of death, and to guide us to the path of peace.” (Luke 1:78-79)

Rough Patches

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All of us have been driving when suddenly a torn patch of road shakes the car and has us swerving to avoid potholes. The road of life can be like that, too, presenting us with sudden rough patches in finances, marriages, friendships, or our spiritual lives. But if we take our time, if we slow down enough to carefully navigate around the cracks and dips, we can avoid potholes-worth of problems.

God is linked into this idea, too, knowing that when we calm our pace, we’ll hear him better. And when we hear him better, we’ll learn how to avoid trouble.

All of us remember Mr. Rogers of public television fame. He was popular with children because he moved at a slow speed, waiting for them to catch up if necessary. Although adults sometimes made fun of his unhurried pace, truth be told they appreciated him for it, too.

I recall one evening on Johnny Carson’s Tonight Show when Fred Rogers was a guest. At the beginning of the interview, Johnny asked questions tongue-in-cheek, winking at the audience. When he asked Mr. Rogers to sing one of his original songs, Fred looked Johnny straight in the eye and without a trace of hurry sang:

“It’s you I like–
Every part of you,
Your skin, your eyes, your feelings
Whether old or new.
I hope that you’ll remember
Even when you’re feeling blue
That it’s you I like…”

By the end, Johnny was wiping away a tear of emotion after having genuinely absorbed the sincere message of the song. Mr. Rogers’ calculated singing had slowed Johnny down long enough to hear the meaningful message.

What an effective illustration of our communication with God. So often we come into his presence flustered and rushed, hoping to have a quick, economical session with him. I’ve even initiated prayer times by asking God to make our few moments “efficient.” But hurried communication with the Almighty isn’t good communication, and unless we approach God like Mr. Rogers approached Johnny Carson, slowly and deliberately, we can’t expect much in return.

When we slow down enough to appreciate and adore him, good things will happen. If our minds are already on the next event, not much of significance will occur. So how do we bring ourselves to a screeching halt in a high-speed world? Even if we do it bodily, how can we keep our brains from buzzing?

We do it the same way we avoid highway potholes: by focusing on the damage we’ll cause if we blast into them, which then motivates us to slow down enough to see and avoid them. Likewise, if we ponder the damage to our spiritual lives as we race in and out of God’s presence, we’ll slow ourselves down enough to hear him.

And it’ll be then that he’ll let us know how to avoid all the rough patches life’s road has to offer.
“Do not be in a hurry to leave the king’s presence.” (Ecclesiastes 8:3)