Category Archives: Widowhood

Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood

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Linda and BobGod knew what he was doing when he led Nate and I to our Michigan cottage. Unbeknownst to us, the couple right next door would rescue us again and again. Bob and Linda have taken it upon themselves to help widows and others who need… well… anything.

Bob is a jack of all trades and cheerfully tackles problems with gusto. He often partners with his friend Gunnar, and the two of them make work look much like play. I’ll never forget the day they came to help when our power went out, the only house in the neighborhood to go dark. After trying all the usual tricks with our old fuse box, they discovered the power line from the house to the street had been slowly strangled by tree bark. Thanks to their creative thinking, I had power that same hour.

Installing the dishwasherA few years ago Bob and Gunnar brought my kitchen into the 21st century by installing a dishwasher. After five weeks of dishes-by-hand virtually around the clock while our family was together that year, I determined that before the relatives returned, I’d have a dishwasher.

As the two men worked, I learned that installing a dishwasher requires creative plumbing and electrical skills, as well as a rib cage strong enough to lean on the sharp edge of an under-sink cabinet for a long, long time.

 

Gunnar and BobOccasionally I heard them say, “Oh oh,” or “What about this?” as they worked half-in and half-out of the cabinet. But when I asked if there was a problem, they laughed and said, “It’ll all be fine.” And it was.

The first time Bob and Gunnar fixed something for us years ago, I remember saying, “Thanks for the help. I’m sure you’d rather do other things  with your afternoon.”

Bob’s interesting retort was, “This is what we like to do.” Because they’ve solved problems for me again and again, I know it’s true.

These men are retired, but not really. They’ve just shifted their work focus. Both love the Lord wholeheartedly and spend a great deal of time volunteering at the church and on outreach projects near and far.

Bob and GunnarThey’ve been first responders to disaster scenes all over the world during their “retirement,” doing whatever needed doing when they got there.

I see these two as the hands and feet of Jesus, putting the interests of “neighbors” ahead of their own. Lucky for me, they often choose to make it a beautiful day for the widow right next door.

“Jesus replied: ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself’.” (Matthew 22:37-38)

Saintly Behavior

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A guy-friend recently said, “I’ve been reading the blog and gosh, I never realized what a saint Nate was.” I’m sure he was also thinking, “He wasn’t really, was he?”

Nate loading dishwasherWhy does Nate come across that way in the blog posts? I suppose it’s because I’ve chosen to share only the good things. Interestingly, that’s easy now. It’s satisfying. In the years since he died, I’ve missed him terribly and have come to appreciate the “good stuff” anew.

Psychology experts tell us if we’re going to criticize someone, we should first speak out four praises. Thinking I was already doing that, one day many years ago I decided to keep track. Sadly, I was woefully deficient in the praise category.

Double DutyOne thing I learned as I kept my tally, though, was that I could improve with practice. I also discovered something else. When I thought nice things about Nate such as, “He’s such a big help to me,” I often failed to say them. If I asked God to prompt me to turn those thoughts into words, he would, but of course I had to remember to ask.

I did learn one foolproof way to go from my spotty performance to 100% success in my praising, though: to hear the words “terminal cancer.” Those two words caused an instant change in my ways. Now, looking back to the time when Nate was healthy and with me daily, I can see it was pride that kept me from praising him lavishly while I still could have. And it’s pitiful.

???????????????????????????????I wonder how marriages would change if wives and husbands agreed to make only uplifting statements to one another for a month in an effort to establish new patterns. This would mean swallowing every word of criticism before it came out and letting go of all desire to change the other person. It would mean continually ignoring the bad and highlighting the good… as I’m now finding is so rewarding to do.

God knew this wouldn’t come naturally for us, but that didn’t stop him from urging us to reach for it. When the Lord addresses our partnerships (husbands and wives, soldiers and leaders, brothers and sisters, church members, parents and children, business partners), he urges us to be positive with our words. As a matter of fact, he elevates this to best-possible-activity level, telling us it actually brings him glory when we do it.

After nearly 5 years without Nate, my inner wish is that I could go back and try again. I know I could do much better now…. maybe even be saintly.

“May God, who gives… patience and encouragement, help you live in complete harmony with each other, as is fitting for followers of Christ Jesus. Accept each other just as Christ has accepted you, so that God will be given glory.” (Romans 15:5,7)

Praising and Praying with Mary

  1.  A new anti-nausea drug has worked perfectly today – NO nausea!
  2. The feeding tube options aren’t quite as good. I’ll see a GI specialist in a week to decide what to do. Please pray for wisdom then, and for decreased pain now.
  3. Pray I’ll be able to continue helping with wedding preparations and hosting kids and grandkids this coming week.

Good Night

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Nate and I had the luxury of sleeping in a king size bed for four years. As we sixty-somethings age, we appreciate a good night’s sleep more and more, because it’s harder and harder to get.

Our king, purchased to celebrate our 60th birthdays, used to be in a downstairs bedroom and was available to more than just Nate and I. Volumes of girl-talk happened on that bed, as well as lounging amongst the giant pillows while watching TV. Sick kids spent their day in it, and Louisa slept there for a week after her painful tonsillectomy. Friends of our kids claimed it was “the world’s most comfy bed.”

BarracksA year after Nate died, the king got dismantled and moved from our cottage bedroom to the room next door, an Army-style bed-barracks decorated, coincidentally, in olive drab. Beds filled the floor space for group sleeping when crowds came to town, and the addition of a California king meant sleeping three more.

I went back to sleeping on our old double bed with its well-worn sheets, but once it was set up in my room where the king had been, it looked small.

“Set-back!” it shouted.

I thought, “If only I didn’t need sleep and could stay up all night, every night. Better yet, if only night wouldn’t come at all and the sun would never set…”

Right then God moved into that scene and comforted me with fresh thoughts: Nate isn’t using a bed in his new home and doesn’t miss either our king size or the double. So he gets to stay awake “around the clock” and never has to face a lonely night, because there’s no night there. All of that was good news to me, because it describes my future, too.

Heaven's LightI’m still bound by day and night, work and sleep. But after I die, after all of us die, we’ll be free of this cycle, one of unnumbered heavenly blessings. Nate didn’t sleep well most nights, although it might have been those 15 cups of coffee he drank each day. The fact that he’ll never face another night of tossing and turning is great joy for him.

But for the rest of us, nighttime can be riddled with problems: difficulty getting to sleep or staying that way, nightmares, fear of noises or break-ins, feelings of vulnerability, and the chronic dilemma of every daytime predicament growing greater during the night. When nighttime disappears, so will these problems.

I still don’t like nighttime without Nate, but the old double bed gives me a pretty good night’s sleep. And because Nate and I slept in it for 36 years, it feels familiar, like spending the night with an old friend again.

“Night will be no more. They will need no light of lamp or sun, for the Lord God will be their light.” (Revelation 22:5)