Category Archives: Long Marriages

Spicy Relationships

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Nate and I married when he was a second year law student at the University of Illinois and I was a teacher in a small town. Without money, we feathered our first nest in Early Hand-Me-Down, delighted with reject-carpeting and a used couch. Sticking Contact paper onto cabinets, walls and canisters (coffee cans) made our place a beautiful backdrop for young love.

I remember the first couple-trip we made to the grocery store to buy supplies. Our 23” long receipt is still glued into my engagement scrapbook, a happy reminder of a delightful date-night (despite the extravagant $43.68 bottom line).

While we were at the grocery store, Nate asked if we could buy some spices. Since he didn’t cook, I wasn’t sure why, but we bought the minimum: salt, pepper, cinnamon… and nutmeg. We painted the one-bedroom apartment white, and I moved in. (Nate had to wait 3 months, till after our November wedding.)

Like every other young couple, we had love-names for each other. Some will remain a secret, but the one Nate used most was “Meg”. It was unique to him, and both of us used it on love notes and cards.

A month before we were married, I opened one of our two kitchen cabinets to get the cinnamon for toast and found a tiny love note attached to our lone spice can. Nate had taken a strip of masking tape, covered the “nut” in “nutmeg” and written “Nate’s” instead, i.e. “Nate’s Meg.” I loved it so much I’ve taken care of it for 42 years, and tonight the rusted can is sitting on my desk.

We weren’t unique in having special names for each other. Some newlyweds even have a language all their own, a vocabulary just for them. We weren’t any different, using tender words and inside jokes to make the most of every minute together.

Decades passed, and many of the pet names we had for each other disappeared, but as the years went by, we learned how to communicate better and better. Long-married wives and husbands figure out what works by finally surrendering what doesn’t. And if couples make it to a 40th or 50th anniversary, they know how to effectively talk to each other.

Someone else who communicates perfectly is God. He not only understands (and speaks) every language on the planet, he “gets” the slang and couple-vocab, too. Better still, he comprehends thought-language, yearnings we might have trouble putting into words.

This is good news for widows, who often agonize so deeply that a whimper or a sob is all they can “say”. Even then, God hears accurately, knowing their names and even their nicknames. As the old hymn says, Jesus is the lover of our souls. He may even have some nicknames of his own for us.

The nickname “Meg” stuck on greeting cards and notes until the day Nate died.  Although I eventually bought a new tin of nutmeg, Meg’s Nate can never be replaced.

“Undoubtedly there are all sorts of languages in the world, yet none of them is without meaning.” (1 Corinthians 14:10)

Getting Old

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My folks were married 50 years and 1 month before Dad died after a fall, at 92. Mom was only 79 at the time, 13 years his junior.

Although 13 years is a big gap between husband and wife, we kids thought nothing of it, because Mom and Dad made it work well. I remember only one incident, one comment, when their age spread surfaced. It occurred a few months before Dad died.

After they had spent an evening at our house, the two of them were walking toward the front door. Suddenly Mom, who adored Dad, said, “Carl, don’t shuffle. You’re walking like an old man.” (He was 92.)

In a way it was a compliment. She was saying, “I don’t think of you as an old man, so don’t act like one.”

After her comment, Dad picked up his feet, a compliment to her. He was saying, “I’m glad you think I’m still spry.”

Interestingly, after Dad died, Mom lived 13 more years, so God gave her the chance to know 92 as he had. Her conclusion? “Now I know why Dad shuffled,” she said. “He wanted to be sure he didn’t fall.”

With age comes wisdom, but sadly, while we’re young, we rarely value it and don’t often ask advice of our elders. All of us need to know the difference between being worldly wise and spiritually wise. I’ll take the latter, any day. Though the world reveres youth and sets the aged “out to pasture,” God thinks quite differently. He tells us in Scripture we’re to stand in the presence of the elderly and to always show them respect. Then he links both of those to revering him.

He put old people in important roles throughout the Bible and in doing so, highlighted their accomplishments for all time. But what were those accomplishments? Each one dealt with kingdom business, the stuff of eternity.

The world prizes financial wealth, political power, external beauty, physical strength, all of which will one day disappear. God values the things that last: sacrificial giving, humble hearts, godly character, faithfulness to him.

Elderly Christians shine in these ways, which is why the Lord allows them to flourish spiritually, even while they’re declining physically. It behooves us to get close to these people and glean all we can before they’re taken from us. And if you have trouble identifying who they are, just watch for a walk that’s more like a shuffle. It’s a sure clue wisdom resides within.

“The righteous… will still bear fruit in old age; they will stay fresh and green, proclaiming, ‘The Lord is upright; he is my Rock’.” (Psalm 92:14,15)

A Word from Rebecca Lutzer

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I’ve always wondered what life would be like as a pastor’s wife, particularly when the pastor has thousands in his congregation. My good friend Rebecca, wife of Pastor Erwin Lutzer of Moody Church, agreed to share a few thoughts on this subject in tonight’s blog.

“I’ve been a pastor’s wife for 35 years, and our family has had challenges like any other. ‘Living in a fish bowl’ produces its own unique stresses and demands. A dear older lady in our first pastorate told me, ‘Just be yourself.’ That was a little scary, but it turned out to be good advice.

“I grew up in the Dallas area in a dysfunctional family of extreme poverty but had a long-term dream of becoming a missionary nurse. God had a different plan, however, and I married a promising young professor/preacher. Because I’d told God I didn’t want to marry a pastor, I thought the Lord had made a mistake.

“Being shy and feeling inferior to other women, I was unprepared for the role and thought God was asking me to do the impossible. But in reality he was asking me to overcome these obstacles and learn to show hospitality, mercy and kindness to others.

“I struggled against the tendency to be like Martha in the New Testament, wanting everything to be just right for guests. I fretted over what others thought of my home and family, wondering how I could serve them with grace. Eventually I realized the state of my heart was more important than the state of my home, and I learned to set aside my Martha-tendencies and become more like Mary, sitting at Jesus’ feet.

“There have been times when I’ve resisted God’s will for me. I’ve made mistakes and have had heart-struggles with stubbornness anger, doubt, ungratefulness and pride. Over the years God dealt mercifully with me, teaching me from Scripture that he ‘resists the proud but gives grace to the humble.’ (James 4:6) And how wonderful it is that he always forgives.

“Having a solid, strong, loving marriage doesn’t prevent disagreements, disappointments and misunderstandings. As with most marriages, we came from different backgrounds, birth orders, and personalities. We’ve learned to encourage each others’ successes and gifts, give each other space and time to grow, and cherish those traits that are endearing.

“Our lives haven’t gone exactly as we thought they would, and some of our hopes and dreams will never happen. We wouldn’t  choose some of the experiences God had in mind for us, especially those involving pain and tragedy. But God works all these things together for good in our lives, and he always knows what’s best. The key to success in any marriage is being willing to deny our rights in order to serve each other. God wants us to forgive, even as we’ve been forgiven.

“Erwin and I have chosen a life verse to guide our marriage:

“Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:32)