Category Archives: Thankfulness

Dear Nate

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I miss you.

Especially today, because it’s your birthday.

Sometimes my longing to be with you is so strong it grows into an ache that’s hard to handle. One day that longing will melt away, when I travel to be where you are now. That’s comforting.

Two years ago, you and I were still celebrating our birthdays together, an annual double-header. With only 10 days between us, we were the same age 355 days a year. But that calendar has aged me into 66; you locked in at 64. It’s hard to get old without my birthday-buddy.

In August of 2009, cancer wasn’t part of our lives. Mary and Bervin hosted a party for the two of us, remember? And despite ongoing back pain and a mysterious stomach ache, you smiled for the camera.

I never heard you complain about physical pain, not in 43 years of knowing you, but that summer you didn’t feel good. One day you even said you wondered if something other than back problems might be wrong. A month later we found out you were right.

Today I spent time praying about you. Of course you don’t need my prayers in Paradise, but I wanted to thank God for bringing you into my life and for choosing you as my husband, a man who was willing to love me with a 1st Corinthians 13 love as well as to father and support 7 children.

I also re-read journal pages from those days surrounding your birthday two years ago and found something utterly astounding. Your back had become so severe that the highlight of every day had been at 8 pm when you eased yourself onto the bed atop two ice packs placed at the small of your back.

I was concerned about our future, upset by your pain, and worrying about what God was doing (or not doing). So I wrote out a 3 page prayer to him, all about you. Here’s part of it:

Lord, please touch Nate’s body with your supernatural power, I pray. Lift this back misery right out of his life. I cry out to you to bring him to your feet, into your presence, Lord, fully dependent on you.

And that’s where I caught my breath, because that’s exactly what God did! Touched your body… lifted away your pain… brought you to Jesus’ feet… into his presence… dependent on him.

(I bet you’re getting a kick out of this,  probably laughing with joy. Oh how I miss your hearty laugh!)

I know you’re glad I read that journal today and made the God-connection, saw how he’d answered my prayers. Although your departure wasn’t my choice, I want you to know I’m doing ok (partly because I know you’re doing ok). All of the credit goes to God. I don’t know where I’d be without him…

…but I know you can say the same thing.

Happy Birthday, Nate. I love you.

“Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.” (Psalm 90:17)

Joining the SCAC

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At 12:55 this afternoon, Jack and I joined the “Society of the Centrally Air Conditioned” (SCAC). When that first puff of cold air came floating through our 72 year old registers, the two of us, poised to feel it, rejoiced. By 5:00 our hot cottage had been given new life at 76 degrees, and the condensation on my windows had moved from inside to outside. Amazing.

Nate and I enjoyed air conditioning in our Illinois home and eventually took it for granted. But this year the combination of no AC and a high-temp Michigan summer put AC status at “dearly desired.”

During this year’s first cluster of 90 degree days, I took a poll of how many homes in our neighborhood were in the SCAC and how many weren’t. While walking Jack, I counted the houses with closed windows (cool inside) and open (hot inside), learning that 80% of my neighbors were already in the club.

This morning, pre-AC, as I put on clean clothes that already felt wet, a rush of anticipation helped me recognize that cool air on a hot day is a precious commodity never to be taken for granted.

How many other precious commodities am I currently taking for granted? Remembering back to when Nate was still with me, I under-appreciated far too many things about him and our marriage. Just today I thought of something quite special about him that I took for granted at the time.

When I asked him to do something for me, such as buy the ink replacement for my printer (an unusual cartridge, hard to find but available in the Loop) he’d always come home with my request completed. Sometimes I’d forget I’d even asked, but he never forgot to get it done. One day I said, “How do you always remember to do those things?”

He said, “Simple. When you ask a favor, I always do that first.”

In other words, on a day when he knew he couldn’t possibly get everything done, he began with me. Did I fully appreciate it?

But those days are over. I’m no longer married and can’t reverse taking Nate’s kindness for granted. But how about now? What’s happening now that I should be appreciating? The scriptural Paul daily appreciated being included in God’s family, allowed to have an ongoing relationship with Christ. He couldn’t get over that the Lord would allow him to represent the Gospel to others, after he’d led such a sinful life. He never once took his salvation for granted.

But shouldn’t that be the attitude of us all? Sin is sin, whether small or large, and we’re all in Paul’s camp, none qualified to be in God’s family on our own. Are we openly appreciative we belong to him? And when he gives us an assignment, are we as eager to fulfill it as Paul was?

Although I’m appreciative of my membership in the SCAC tonight, that’s nothing compared to my membership in God’s family. The question is, do I really appreciate it…

“I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has given me strength to do his work. He considered me trustworthy and appointed me to serve him.” (1 Timothy 1:12)

 

Need-Meeting

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No matter how many babies we added to our family, Nate’s daily office routine didn’t vary much. He left the house at 6:00 AM and walked back in at 7:00 pm, a long day (for both of us). But he was faithful never to be late coming home, almost to the minute.

My daily routine, on the other hand, was anything but consistent. One evening when I was especially frazzled, I asked Nate if he’d be willing to give me a gift. He answered carefully: “What might that be?”

“For you to stay home 30 minutes longer every morning so I can take a walk.”

I desperately needed alone-time to think, pray and gather courage for each day. The kids began waking around 6:00, so someone needed to be there.

Nate answered quickly. “OK, but I absolutely have to leave by 6:30 to get to my desk when I should.” His commute was a drive to the Metra station in the next suburb, a park-and-walk, a 45 minute train ride, then a 1½ mile walk to the other side of the Loop.

The next morning and every day after that for several years, I walked out the door at 5:45 AM and back in at 6:30. The few times I was late in returning, I’d pass Nate on the road. (He didn’t dare give me a schedule-inch, knowing I’d take a mile.)

Some days I hoofed it and covered a great distance. Others were more of a meander. If it was raining, I wore a hood and took my chances with the lightning. A foot of snow didn’t keep me home and neither did 22 degrees below zero. That 45 minutes meant everything.

Nate never reneged on his word and never complained about my rearranging his life. This impressed me, since I knew he didn’t understand the depth of my need. He did understand the walk was important to me, and because of that, it became important to him, and he sacrificed to make it happen.

Nate did a good job satisfying my need, but the #1 Need-Meeter is God. He watches us carefully, monitoring what’s important and what’s not. Then he sets to meeting what he considers to be a need.

The system doesn’t work, however, unless we agree to his definition and his way to handle it. We don’t always need to get into that college, get that specific job or marry that certain person. We don’t always need healing or even continued life on this earth. What we do need is unshakeable confidence that God’s assessment of what we need is flawless.

As our 7 children grew and the “baby” went to school, my need for the pre-dawn alone-time evaporated. Nate didn’t say, “Finally I can leave when I want!” He just said, “OK.” His definition of that gift would have been “30 minutes daily.” My definition was, “a sacrificial love willing to meet my need.”

In doing that, he’d imitated our loving, need-meeting God.

“Let your compassion [Lord], quickly meet our needs, for we are on the brink of despair.” (Psalm 79:8)