Category Archives: God’s plans for us

The Pink Notebook

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From the day we learned of Nate’s pancreatic cancer, I’ve kept a small pink book near me. I taped four makeshift tabs to the edges of four pages, dividing the book into sections marked VERSES, GIFTS, EMAILS and CHARITIES. As notes and cards began arriving in our mailbox, I wanted to keep track.

Many of the cards, for example, contained Scripture VERSES. People had chosen a specific card to send, with specific verses, and as our days picked up speed, I wanted to go back and study each passage, anxious to receive whatever message the Lord wanted us to have.

Because of the astounding, loving response of so many people, I found it impossible to keep up. After several pages of writing references next to names, I had to let go of the project for later. I’m quickly approaching “later” and am eagerly looking forward to going through that process in the new year. Although Nate isn’t here to share in the comfort and benefit of this task, I know it will be a blessing anyway.

As for the EMAIL section of the book, my plan was to pluck certain sentences from inbox messages to save, the ones that seemed to pop from the screen with power. Over and over again people would write words of rich wisdom I didn’t want to forget. My desire was to cut and paste these electronic gems, then print them out for taping on the pages in my pink book. After reading emails aloud to Nate each evening while he listened from his prone position on the bed, I asked our younger girls to print them all out, one by one, so I could re-read everything and highlight the good stuff.

When they finished, they handed me 58 pages of email messages. We were only one week into Nate’s illness, and I could see my project was going to remain undone. I still plan to get to it during the cold, quiet days of January and February. It even crossed my mind I could make a day-to-day flip calendar with one or two of these powerful sentences on each small page. The counsel that came to us is priceless, and I want to preserve it for myself and others.

The GIFTS section of the pink book was for recording everything given to us during those difficult days of escalating cancer. I wanted to send thank you notes but knew as the over-full, exhausting days raced past, it wouldn’t get done any time soon. Today I counted the gift items written on these pages, things like flowers, meals, books, CDs, checks, gift cards, stamps, stationary, bath products and creams, fruit baskets, vitamins and cash. Altogether there are 203 things written down. I stand amazed. I’m chipping away at thank you notes, and each one is a joy to write.

The CHARITIES section has the names of people who generously gave to The Orchard, Moody Church and Pacific Garden Mission in Nate’s honor. Again and again I’ve been flabbergasted by the big hearts of so many, giving and giving, again and again.

I’ve now started a fifth section that will not fit into the pink book at all. I’m writing down specific incidents people have shared in writing about Nate, quite a few of them new to the kids and me. Many have taken time to record remembrances of him that I want to pass along to the next generation and the one after that. They need to know what “good stock” they come from, even if they arrive into our family down the road without any chance to meet their grandfather/great grandfather.

Once all the thank yous are sent and verses recorded, my project in 2010 is going to be systematic prayer for each person/family that is written in the pink book, whether they are a signature on a card, the giver of a gift, the author of an email or the sender of any greeting. I figure one day of focused prayer per name/family will yield benefits to pray-er and prayed-for alike, and I’m excited to get started.

For this most precious group of friends, family members and strangers, I will be forever grateful, bonded to them in a special way. They walked through the darkest time of our lives with us, and even when they didn’t know exactly what to do or say, they took a stab at it anyway, unwilling to do nothing. For their love, courage and labor, I am thankful.

“The generous will prosper. Those who refresh others will themselves be refreshed.” (Proverbs 11:25)

A Blue Christmas?

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Nelson’s “Theory of Grieving” is that I miss Nate the most during times when he would have been with me the most. In other words, during business hours, when he used to be gone anyway, I don’t miss him as much as on Sundays when we were together all day. Thanksgiving was hard, because Nate was always involved in preparing for and hosting that event. His absence was keenly felt, and sadness quickly followed. And of course our anniversary was a rough day.

I give credibility to Nelson’s theory. In the seven weeks since Nate’s death, it’s held true. Because of that, I wasn’t looking forward to our traditional Christmas Eve festivities in the Chicago area at my sister’s home. Each year we’ve had a Swedish smorgasbord there with the entire relation on hand, as well as a few close friends. Following that, we’d each hold an unlit candle, recite a short part of the Christmas story from Luke 2, and light our candles one from the other. The oldest person present concluded in prayer. After the serious part of the evening, the kids always put on a loose program of “talent” accompanied by whooping, hollering and clapping for each effort. And finally it was time for gifts, a $25 grab bag first, followed by presents for little-children-only.

Christmas Eve has always been well attended, and Nate has been part of every year’s celebration, until tonight. I knew it would be difficult for me and I was, in a sense, dreading it, a terrible thing to say about Christmas Eve, which shouldn’t be about me anyway.

This afternoon as I was wrapping the last gifts, a Christmas CD began playing “Blue Christmas” by Celine Dion. It’s a beautiful arrangement of an Elvis tune, and I like Celine’s version much better than his. Hearing it triggered a sweet memory of Nate from a few years back when we still lived in the Chicago area. I was coming up from the basement one evening in December, and he was heading toward it. Christmas music was playing on the stereo, and just as we passed each other, Celine’s “Blue Christmas” came on. He stopped. I stopped. He started singing the song in his own tone-deaf way, and on the spur of the minute, I put my arms up as if to say, “Wanna dance?”

Neither of us knows how to dance. We only do it at the weddings of our own children, when under pressure to do so. But right then and there, he put his arm around me and took my other hand in his, and we actually danced through the entire length of “Blue Christmas.” It was more of a shuffle than a dance, but he continued to sing til the end. It was a complete delight to spend those three minutes dancing, and when the song finished, we went back to what we were doing but with a new warm fuzzie in our memory banks.

Somehow this sweet remembrance of Nate set a good tone for today, and except for a few tears here and there, all went well. Although our two grandchildren are far away this Christmas, my sister’s six were on hand for the festivities, adding energy, joy and adorableness. The college kids were all home, renewing relationships, and the evening was filled with laughter and happiness. Even seeing Nate on an old Christmas Eve video tape was something good, not sad. Overall, there had been nothing to dread.

When we pulled back into the icy driveway at our Michigan cottage well after midnight, the lights of our Charlie Brown Christmas tree glowed from the front window. It was nice to be home. As for Nelson’s grieving percentages, I wasn’t sure any more, because Christmas Eve hadn’t been as difficult as I thought it would be.

“The angel [of the Lord] said to them, ‘Do not be afraid; for behold, I bring you good news of great joy which will be for all the people; for today in the city of David there has been born for you a Savior, who is Christ the Lord.’ “ (Luke 2:10-11)

Favorite Christmas Gifts

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Nate used to talk often about his favorite Christmas gift, received in 1955. His one and only wish as a ten year old was that he get a BB gun from his parents, but he knew it was nigh unto impossible. His folks were not “outdoor people” or hunters. Besides that, his mom was cautious and not big on letting children take risks. Their home was managed with efficiency and order. Nate knew it was a long shot but when asked what he wanted for Christmas, he answered, “A BB gun.”

When he saw the long skinny box under the tree on Christmas morning, he could hardly believe it. Even this year he talked with fondness of the feeling he had when he tore open the gift and saw exactly what he wanted. His impression was a mix of “They really love me a lot!” and “Oh boy, am I going to have fun!”

So how about this Christmas, 2009? It won’t be that much fun. Gift-buying seems out of sync with Nate so recently gone. I used to call him “Big Giver” because of his desire to give us whatever we wanted, and that included BB guns for all four of his sons. None of us are expecting a big gift-unwrapping session this year, but all of us have received an early Christmas present, something that couldn’t be gift-wrapped. Hans and Katy called from England to give us the exciting news that their expected twin babies are one boy and one girl! While God has been weaving together these two little lives, knowledgeable of every detail, we’ve been longing to know more about who they were. Boys? Girls? The information that Katy and Hans will be greeting a son and a daughter is a fresh blessing that’s brought us all great delight.

These two children, along with Linnea and Adam’s baby boy arriving in February, are gifts of life the Lord is bringing to our family to help us move from sadness over Nate’s death, to joy over new life. The timing is not accidental, and I appreciate God’s creativity in helping all of us in such a dramatic way. All of these babies were astonishing surprises, gifts of immense value. Nate’s cancer was a surprise, too, although it was not a gift.

This morning during my prayer time, the Lord reminded me of a blessing I hadn’t directly thanked him for yet. It has everything to do with Nate’s death and was actually hinged upon it. At several points during his adult life, he’d experienced spiritual dry spells, as so many of us have. Those times were frustrating for him and also for me, and I’d prayed passionately that God would open Nate’s heart and mind to fresh understanding of himself and his ways back then.

What occurred to me this morning was how abundantly God had answered my prayers! Nate is with the Lord now and no longer has to “live by faith and not by sight.” He’s living with the Christ he can actually see and talk with. His questions have been or are being answered, not just through the written words of Scripture but by the Lord himself, face to face. No more dry spells, not ever! He has received the fresh understanding I’d prayed for, with benefits beyond measure.

Thinking about that this morning was another early Christmas gift to me. And the Lord reminded me of something else, difficult to absorb but nevertheless true. In order for Nate to have been given the gift of no more spiritual dry spells, the gift of living in the Lord’s presence where a person’s understanding is expanded like never before, he had to go through cancer and then through death’s door. If I look at it this way, his cancer actually was a gift after all. That’s hard to believe, but it turned out to be Nate’s avenue to vibrant, fulfilled living such as none of us has ever known. And this is superior to any gift that could ever be found under a Christmas tree… even a much desired BB gun for a ten year old boy.

“If I am to live in the flesh, that means fruitful labor for me. Yet which I shall choose I cannot tell. I am hard pressed between the two. My desire is to depart and be with Christ, for that is far better.” (Philippians 1:22-23)