So far, I’ve had seventeen years as a child, four years as a college student, three years as a working single, forty years as a married woman and one month as a widow. The lion’s share of my life has been spent thinking like a wife, and I know with certainty one month isn’t long enough to think single again.
In answering people’s questions, I’m still using “we” instead of “I”, even though the other half of my “we” is gone. Saying “I” reminds me of a line from an old song, “One is the loneliest number that you’ll ever do.” Back when I was single, I didn’t feel lonely at all, but having been a couple for so long, suddenly I feel it.
Today I sent an anniversary card to some dear friends. Despite our anniversary coming and going with only half of us here, it wasn’t difficult to celebrate with another couple still in tact. The hard part came when I signed the card. The words, “Love, Margaret and Nate” rolled right out of my pen before I could stop them. It’s hard to remember to sign from just me.
But the worst adjustment is learning to talk about Nate in the past tense. I catch myself saying, “Nate loves holiday ties,” then needing to correct myself. “Nate loved holiday ties.” It’s almost not worth saying at all.
Other things must change, too. When my cousin Calvin was here at the time of the funeral, he gently reminded me that the categories of our marriage Nate used to handle will now have to be handled by me. For instance, Nate always made the coffee, put salt in the softener, arranged the vacations and handled insurance policies. My cousin told me, “If you can’t do what Nate used to do, ask someone to help you, so those things aren’t left undone. But you can do a lot of it yourself.” The problem comes in even noticing what needs doing when you haven’t done those things for forty years.
While Calvin was here, we left the house for several hours and returned to find seven big candles still burning on the mantle. Nate would never have stepped out the door without first blowing them out, but I didn’t even notice.
Calvin also said, “I know Nate made sure the house was locked up each night. Are you doing that?”
It hadn’t occurred to me. Actually, the house hadn’t been locked for two months. My cousin was right. I had to wonder what else was undone because of Nate’s absence. I remembered back to Thanksgiving and realized I’d invited all the same people as always but neglected to give anyone an arrival time. Nate had always done that with phone calls, touching base with each one ahead of time. Our guests ended up calling and texting me that morning asking, “What time is dinner?”
The day after Thanksgiving it occurred to me we hadn’t talked to the far-away relatives we usually call on each holiday, and of course the reason was that Nate always did the phoning. I might take a turn on each call, but he was the one who remembered to initiate them.
Nate also was my news informant. He read four newspapers every day: The Chicago Tribune, The Daily Herald, The Wall Street Journal and The New York Times. He gave me the condensed version, wanting to talk current events. Since Nate’s death, I’ve been woefully uninformed. We don’t have television at the cottage and can’t get a clear radio signal, so I haven’t seen or heard a newscast in weeks. This was never a problem, with Nate keeping me up to date.
These are the little surprises of widowhood. Piled one on top of another, they make for a sad day. Solved one at a time, they bring hope.
“For the Lord grants wisdom! He grants a treasure of common sense to the honest. For wisdom will enter your heart, and knowledge will fill you with joy. Wise choices will watch over you. Understanding will keep you safe.” (Proverbs 2:6,7,10-11)
Mom,
Your words of wisdom are a help to me as I think now about all the things that Kate does each day, which I wouldn’t think to do, and yet still benefit from tremendously.
Let us know ever if there is something we can help you with. Love you lots.
H and K and co.
While you’re on line posting your blog you can take a quick look at:
http://www.ChicagoTribune.com
http://www.dailyherald
http://www.wsj.com
http://www.nytimes.com
They condense it for you. If you want more detail you can click to get it.
Asking for help is probably the most difficult thing we have to do as we age..but..DO IT !! I found that making lists of priorities (daily,bi-weekly,weekly, etc) was helpful while going through an emotional perod such as you are in…tape it someplace you see it everyday..until you work out your own automatic routine of ‘care for you’..thoughts..and the actions will follow. Of course, I asked the Lord each time I wasn’t sure, to help me, and He has, and will you also. I’ve become so very dependent on Him. Give yourself time, Margaret, it doesn’t happen overnight. One of the things that has helped me learning to live alone….have a diviation to concentrate on (craft, helping others, whatever you desire to do)…it will come to you…in due season. Blessings.. patzian
My single friends tell me that when long time friends become widows, there is a sense of…”Finally…someone who will understand long term loneliness.” They weren’t just single when they were young, and everyone else was, and there was still hope of it ending. It dragged on and on, and brought its own sense of despair. As time and sorrow do its work, and others join their ranks, the Lord seems to use even wrenching grief to form new and deeper friendships, not just based on similar lives, but on shared losses. They lose the dream….you have lost the reality. Since God would never waste our tears, I pray He brings you surprising new friendships with people whose lives suddenly make sense. And with whom you can share yourself in ways that will surprise both of you.
Having gone thru 20 years of the “long goodbye” of alzheimer’s, I was well equipped to handle all of the firsts you are faced with. And now I AM one of those friends “Tina” mentions. Love you lots
Since moving to San Antonio, I had forgotten all about the Daily Herald. You could check out online sources for news. Drudge Report is worth a look and I know there are many others. We do not use tv, since everything we need is available online, even tv shows from hulu.com if we miss them. I cannot imagine doing life without my Craig, but that is what you are forging through right now as you do life without Nate. Praying for you and the kids. I agree to give yourself time and do not be hard on yourself for not remember everything! You have been through a lot very recently!!! Love you!
hey mom, i saw Tom today and we talked about Nate and yourself and the love ive had for you both and viseversa. I love this picture it reminds of living at 103 wakin up in the morning or comin down from a nap the first person id see. Hed say hey Case how ya doin or whats the plan for today kid? Thats how it goes kid! It ment a lot to me knowing that he cared as to what was goin on in my life and my recovery. Ive learned a lot under the roof of 103 being able to sit down with you and scripture or him and my legal issues and see just where do i stand with the Lord or the courts. I hope things are well with you and are in the best order they can be for you. I think its good to say “we” i believe in spirit you both are still together right now its just a little hard to see eachother! I also believe “we” is what God always intended for you and Nate to be! Im available for a list anytime your ready would love to come down and see you and Buddy!