June was a great month for me, mainly because I spent over half of it at my mom’s house. Though I live in Florida with my husband and two kids, my heart and mind are often at my mom’s place in Michigan these days.
I hadn’t been back since I left last November after my dad’s funeral. On my first afternoon back I sat in a chair and looked at the living room. In my mind I saw my brothers and sisters sitting in our nightly circle, eating dinner together the way we did during the weeks before my dad’s death. Nelson would be carrying wood in from outside to keep the fire going. Nicholas and Skylar, the only two grandchildren at that time, would be eating and chattering, making plenty of noise and a total mess. There’d be a lot of laughing and talking, though we’d all be thinking of Papa with sadness at the same time. And my mom would be serving my dad faithfully, getting his pills and ice packs, and encouraging him to eat something.
The house feels different now. It’s my mom’s house instead of my parents’. My dad’s chair is empty and there are no newspapers scattered on the floor next to it. It’s summertime, so instead of chilly fall winds and orange leaves on the ground, everything outside is bright green and the air is thick and humid. During my last visit I was pregnant; this time I spent hours walking outside with baby Micah in my arms. Being outside calms him down when he’s fussy, so we’d go for slow walks down the road, just the way my dad did during his final weeks.
Each day as I traced my dad’s steps, I’d think about the end of his life. I hate that he had to die and I hate that my mom is now a widow. But as I’d stare up at the tall trees lining the road, their leaves making a shady covering for Micah and me, I couldn’t help but remember God’s faithfulness and goodness to my family, even as He took my dad away. I’ll never forget the moment my dad died—the way my mom sat and held his hand, and how all of us kids were right there in the house when it happened. After he was gone, we stood around his bed, said our goodbyes to him, and cried. If any of us had been missing—out running an errand or walking the dog—it would have been different. God arranged the timing perfectly and that was a gift. One of many.
It’s scary to think that death can reach out and touch us without much warning, without our permission. We are not in control of our lives the way we like to think. In the end, all that matters is our faith in God. Do I belong to Him? If my answer is yes, then I don’t have to live in fear—not of cancer, not of being alone, and not even of death. God has promised to work everything together for my good. Watching my dad die was awful. I don’t think I’ll understand in this lifetime why it had to happen the way it did. But God has left the evidence of His love for my family all over our memories, and when He says someday He’ll wipe away our tears for good, I believe Him.
“Do not be afraid. I am the First and the Last. I am the Living One; I was dead, and behold I am alive for ever and ever! And I hold the keys of death and Hades.” (Revelation 1:17b-18)
Dear Linnea,
Thanks for sharing. It must be so hard to lose a father, and you have born it well. He would be proud of you. I was alone with Steve’s mom when she died in March and I saw firsthand what I knew in my head but had never seen… that death is a judgment. It is not how things were meant to be. We were made in the image of God for eternal life, but with sin came decay and death. The experience of seeing death has changed my life. I feel a sense of urgency and priority now that I lacked before. I don’t want to spend my days sorting through junk and being distracted. I desire to spend more time in God’s word, to get to know Him better and to live this life to the fullest, and for His glory. “No reservations, no retreats, no regrets.” (A quote from William Borden of Yale)
As much as the loss of your dad hurts more than words can say, I pray that it will motivate you to live a life of joy and purpose that perhaps you might have missed until you are OLD like me. Both of my parents (age 87) are still living and I confess I dread losing one of them. But I guess that is a good sign. It is the result of a wonderful relationship and a reflection of how God originally intended our lives to be.
As the book of Revelation goes on to say, there will be no death or mourning or crying or pain in Heaven. And your dad is there. Hallelujah.
Linnea, Thank you for sharing. The loss of your father lays on your heart similar to the way the loss of mine did on me. Although circumstances were very different in my family at the time, the loss of my dad with my mom there allowed me to be introspective as well. That was over 11 years ago. With the very recent loss of my mother, I have found no glimpses of that peace I could sometimes find with dad’s death. Wondering why she was taken that way, such a beautiful woman, in such a savage mannor has me still very confused. With mom, God seems to be so very far away.I have yet to feel that peace or the ability to rationalize death in a way that helps get us through these times. I have faith that it will get better and I pray for the pain of her loss to start to ease. But I just can’t explain how different it is with my mom vs. my dad.
Thanks, Linnea. Your words speak right to the heart of what’s important. We praise You, Lord, for this marvelous gift of faith in You!
Dear Linnea – Thank you for your precious and encouraging word. It’s so important that we recognize God’s ongoing grace in the midst of illness and death. That’s evidence that, indeed, He never leaves us nor forsakes us. I’m so glad you and your sweet family had the opportunity for a nice long visit with your mother. It is a joy to read her blog every morning – she never fails to uplift me.
Losing a parent is just plain, not fun. I too think of Dad, everyday. I look at pictures of him and wish I could have him back for even five minutes. Then the reality sets in and honestly, I don’t want him back but I miss him terribly. When Lazarus came back from the dead Jesus wept. I have often wondered why Jesus wept. Perhaps because Jesus understood that Lazarus was returning to an imperfect world, full of sin, and would have to die again (I’m sure there are many other reasons why Jesus wept, beyond my understanding). Lazarus had been in God’s perfect world, living in the presence of God. (I often wonder if there were 4 days in Lazarus’s life he can’t remember.) The bottom line here is, our loved ones are in Heaven, living in a perfect world, living and breathing celestial air, casting their eyes on Jesus, fellowshiping with some pretty awesome people, our grandparents to start with. It is mind bending to think Dad has met Abraham, Moses, John, Peter, Paul, Rahab, Adam, Eve, David, Daniel, Solomon, Paul, James, Mary the mother of Jesus, and the list goes on. With the love Nate had for history, can’t you just imagine the questions, the joy, the conversations that might have transpired? No, my Dad is so so happy, and so is yours, I find great joy in their happiness and look forward to one day having them greet me as I step into Eternity. Praise the Lord!!
Your entry is beautifully written, Linnea. My Mom and Dad passed away, when I was 38, two weeks apart. For about 18 mos, as an only child, I felt orphaned, even though I had a husband and 4 kids. That was 31 years ago, and now it’s all wonderful memories. My husband passed away,10 months ago, here in the house, while he was helping me plan his birthday party. The Lord took him, and I was stunned. He was fully clothed, and looked really great! My message is: plan on living, but be prepared to die. To be with the Lord, we must all be Born Again.
Great post Linni. Your eternal perspective is inspiring.
Linni, you have such great perspective on things. I am so glad that you were able to get to michigan with the little punks. I hope you guys had a wonderful time being with the family and spending some quality time together. I saw some pictures and the babies are SO precious! And Marni, thanks for being a continuous encouragement to me and to so many others with this blog. Can’t wait to see you on the beach! 🙂
I was thinking of Papa’s final days on the rough, old earth just the other day. He died with such dignity. Faith expressing itself through love and everything else is firewood kid.
Linni, such sweet thoughts. Thanks for sharing your heart. Love!