BFF

As Birgitta readies for university life, she and I have talked about the friendships awaiting her, some she will treasure for life. Although she’s already made many friends, some very special ones are in her immediate future.

This week one of my own lifelong friends visited me, a “girl” I met during junior year in college whom I’ve loved ever since. Because she is one of my Widow Warriors, she gives good counsel and lavishes encouragement on my adjustment to being without Nate.

Carole lost her husband to cancer 14 years ago, after 26 years of marriage and seven children, three natural-born and four adopted. In addition to fostering 65 other children, she teaches crochet classes for adults, sings in her church choir and enjoys having her daughter’s family live with her – nine people in a 1200 square foot house.

Carole and I are close in age, sharing in senior moments and decreasing in physical stamina at the same time. Despite our living 800 miles apart with only rare visits, our friendship seamlessly picks up where it left off and never runs out of talking points.

Years ago when we got together with mobs of young children, Carole and I would begin a conversation that continued throughout the visit, whether it was two days or two weeks. If the kids needed something and tried to cut in, we trained them to stand and wait next to us until we turned and said “Yes?” Sometimes they had a long wait, but that only served to separate the important requests from the unnecessary. If they decided it wasn’t worth it, they’d step away, and we could keep chatting. After all, with 14 kids, there was a great deal of ground to cover.

This fall will mark 45 years that Carole and I have been friends. What is it that holds people together over that many years, despite the obstacles of distance, busyness and infrequent contact? Part of it is growing through life’s changes simultaneously: marriage, children, mortgages, middle age. Another part of it must be knowing each other so well that all false pretense is gone. It’s a blessing to be with someone who doesn’t distance themselves, no matter what you do or say. Close friends are also bound by their beliefs and standards. They share at least some commonality in the things that make them tick.

We all know the misery of “high maintenance friendships,” relationships that require walking on egg shells and making contact on a scheduled basis “or else.” Other relationships are lopsided with one person doing all the taking, the other all the giving. And we’ve all known people who ride a never-ending emotional roller coaster to the point that we never know what to expect when we’re together.

Today I was thinking about heaven, as I do every day, wondering about Nate’s friendships. Scripture tells us Jews and Gentiles who share a belief in Christ will sit down together at God’s banquet table with some of the famous characters of the Bible. If we’ll be chatting over a meal with some of them, no doubt we’ll be making contact with all of them. And since heaven will be about harmony and happiness, my guess is we’ll be long-term friends (really long-term) with everyone!

God is all about relationships, between himself and people, and also person to person. I know he will bless Carole and I with a continued friendship in the next world, most likely to brand new levels. So I’m praying Birgitta will seek out friendships this fall that will be satisfying and long-term, too, during her years in school. Hopefully they’ll remain strong all the way into eternity.

“I tell you this, that many Gentiles will come from all over the world — from east and west — and sit down with Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob at the feast in the Kingdom of Heaven.” (Matthew 8:11)

Free to be Happy

This weekend is all about red, white and blue. Mom trained us well, and we, in turn, trained our kids: dress patriotically even if it’s out of style, and yes, a Cubs shirt will do just fine. Even Jack gets into the act, exchanging his purple collar for the old red one.

Our family, like many others, loves the colorful part of the holidays: red and pink for Valentine’s Day, yellow and purple for Easter, etc. Today it’s all about stars and stripes, flags and celebratory firewoks. Never mind that Nelson nearly lost his hand when a firecracker exploded too soon years ago. We still set them off with ooooh’s and aaaah’s after our hamburgers and baked beans.

But the 4th of July isn’t just about outfits and explosives. Yesterday I listened to a radio reading of the Declaration of Independence. Most of it is a list of the offenses suffered by the colonists under the rule of a British king. But the introduction and conclusion of the document describe the freedom these people craved. After paying the price of a bloody war, they finally did win self-rule and their independence. The 13 newly formed states became the beginning of our free nation.

It’s interesting that the Declaration’s first section, The Preamble, includes what may be the most memorized sentence in our country. School kids have recited it for centuries. It’s the one that starts with, “We hold these truths to be self-evident…” God is mentioned as the Creator and humankind as “the created.”

Most interesting to me, however, is the end of this sentence that says the colonists believed all citizens had the right to pursue personal happiness. It further described what should happen to a government if that pursuit is thwarted: at a minimum, it should be altered, but if that doesn’t work, it should be abolished completely. A new government should be formed that “shall seem most likely to affect their safety… and happiness.”

Although I’ve read the Declaration before, until yesterday I hadn’t noticed the double mention of personal happiness. We’re taught in the church (and also in Scripture) that seeking one’s own happiness is not a lofty goal. We’re to “look to the interests of others ahead of our own.”

I’m extremely thankful I live in the USA and can experience the freedoms mentioned in the Declaration of Independence. One of them is that I’m free to decide whether or not to make happiness a life objective. I don’t often wrestle with this, since putting myself last on the happy-list is difficult. On rare occasions when I do it, though, the strangest thing happens. Happiness results. It’s one of life’s thought-provoking illogicalities.

Today I’ve made an effort to count my blessings, and living in a free land is high on the list. I’m thankful for those who fought for my freedom and the 234 years American citizens have enjoyed its abundance. But the best freedom of all is my option to openly follow God’s recommendations for finding happiness. And his declaration, the Bible, trumps even the very important Declaration of Independence.

“You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather serve one another in love.” (Galatians 5:13)

          

There goes Nate!

A couple of days ago I found myself driving in Chicago, heading to an appointment. As I waited at a red light, a dark blue SUV turned right in front of me… with Nate at the wheel!

I gasped and felt my heart stop. His window was down, and I could see his face clearly. Craning my neck to stare as he drove past me and away, I could hardly yank myself back to reality.

Of course I knew it wasn’t him. Impossible! But my senses briefly told me otherwise. Lining up what couldn’t have been true with what was true was like trying to straighten a deck of cards lying askew. It took some effort and more than a few seconds. Horns began honking for me to respond to the green light, and I quickly stepped on the gas, but it would be a while before I regained my composure.

As kids we were told, “Wishing doesn’t make it so.” My constant wish that Nate was still with me must have been the reason I’d “seen” him driving by. It was just my mind playing tricks on me. There isn’t one hour of any day that I don’t think about him, and it’s not much of a leap to then “see” him.

Last week I heard something new about my husband, a mini-story one of his friends shared with me thinking it was “just a little thing.” But to me it was a bit of precious treasure, because Nate can no longer participate in making any new stories. Those of the past are all we have.

This friend had explained how a statement Nate made nearly two years ago had come back to him recently when he was trying to get through a tough experience. Despite Nate being gone and his comment being old, this friend had been given practical encouragement to persevere in his struggle. It brought pleasure to me to know Nate’s influence was still being felt, as if he really was still with us.

If Nate was alive and had listened to his friend tell the story, he might not even have remembered making the comment. And yet there was still power in it, and that’s the lesson for all of us. People are listening. People are watching. This is especially true when we aren’t aware of it. Of course not everything Nate said was quote-worthy. As for me, I don’t think anything I’ve said is quote-worthy. But we can all attempt to speak and act in ways that uplift others.

Today I’ve been thinking about having “seen” Nate in the SUV and also in his friend’s story. Both were a glimpse of him. I think I value the story far more than the “sighting”, thrilling that it was, because there’s an important distinction between the two. One view was fantasy, and the other was truth.

“Buy the truth, and sell it not; also wisdom, and instruction, and understanding.” (Proverbs 23:23)