Monthly Archives: September 2013

Does it add up?

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A special dayFour years ago today, Nate and I sat in front of 8 doctors and learned his body was full of cancer. In that 2 hour meeting we also learned he wasn’t going to live much longer. I sometimes wonder if September 22 will always be part of a strange equation in my mind:

September 22 + medical news = death sentence.

It might just as well be:

September 22 + cancer = hopes dashed.

When I think of the specific hopes that were destroyed that day, the list is long:

  • the hope Nate would have relationships with our grandchildren
  • the hope he’d be able to attend the remaining family weddings
  • the hope we would travel together
  • the hope he would be the one to wrap-up his own legal practice one day
  • the hope I’d be able to ask his advice for many years to come

…and so much more. Since the memory of September 22 is all bad, should that day be deliberately remembered each year?

As always, I asked God what he wanted me to think about that, and he told me, showing me how often the Bible promoted looking back, even at the bad stuff. For instance, he said to the Israelites, “Remember when you were slaves and couldn’t change your destiny for 400 years?” But then he added, “Remember also how I ended it in one day?” It’s another equation:

400 + God’s plan = freedom

Red Sea partingIn scores of scriptural examples God directed people back to dark memories but always linked them to his presence there: “Remember how you were trapped between a vicious army and a deep sea? But please don’t forget how I rearranged your situation 100% in just a few minutes!” The equation:

military disaster + breath of God = 100% safety

In other words, God urges us to go back to difficult days but not for the purpose of wallowing in their misery. Instead he wants us to recognize that he was in those exact circumstances at the same time we were, adding good to all the bad. He knows we have a hard time spotting him in the midst of a crisis, but when the emergency is over, he wants us to look back and see where he was active during those days.

So now, as I think back to September 22, 2009, I also remember that that was the day God made a promise to us that he wouldn’t leave us alone or defenseless for even one minute throughout our ordeal, and he didn’t. Though he doesn’t usually remove a crisis immediately after it arrives, he does move himself tightly into it, providing supernatural strength and explaining powerful lessons about his sufficiency that always surround us when we’re experiencing trouble. He wants us to understand that every set-back is simply a set-up for his blessing.

So today, in remembering that sad September 22, God gave me a brand new equation to replace the old one:

September 22 + cancer = God’s presence with us!

“Let those on the hunt for you sing and celebrate. Let all who love your saving way say over and over, ‘God is mighty!’ ” (Psalm 70:4)

Listen Up

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Last night I came across a hand-written page of information I hadn’t seen in years. It was a few brief notes taken on the back cover of a 5 x 7 spiral notebook. I recognized the data as my speed-scribbling during Nate’s doctor appointment in August of 2009, one month before we learned of his cancer.

Just wondering...Nate was scheduled for back surgery to relieve the pain of multiple herniated discs and needed a pre-op physical. Though his pancreatic cancer was advanced by then, we didn’t know anything about it, and except for his back pain, he felt fine going into the exam.

He’d lost 31 pounds in preceding weeks but had been trying to do so after breaking the 200 pound mark on the scale. By eating smaller portions and skipping desserts, he was approaching his goal and felt good about that. People were complimenting his weight loss.

Physical exam dataMy brief notes summarized the internist’s comments as he examined Nate:

  • BP – 142 over 98
  • Poor facial color
  • Weight – 178 (jeans on)
  • Fluid in left ear (no pain)
  • Wheezing in lungs
  • Lump under right arm (pit)
  • Lump over left collar bone
  • Blood in stool – recommends colonoscopy
  • Acid reflux – possibly an ulcer – blood

The doctor recommended a colonoscopy and endoscopy, promising to FAX the name and number of the correct office to us. And as Nate was being directed to radiology for a chest x-ray, the doctor said goodbye, telling us he’d call with blood test results in a few days.

That afternoon as we drove from Chicago back to Michigan, neither of us was worried. Sure, Nate’s blood pressure was higher than his usual 110/70, but we attributed that to his severe back pain, coupled with work stress. Besides, both of us had watched the doctor carefully, not sensing any apprehension on his part as he’d examined Nate.

In a few days, though, disturbing news began filtering back to us. “Your blood numbers seemed a bit off, so we’d like to do a few more tests.” Even that, however, didn’t bother us. “It’s probably nothing,” Nate said. He had lived 64 years with flawless health and had no personal doctor. Surely nothing was wrong.

It was a classic case of poor listening; we heard only what we wanted to hear.

*               *               *               *               *               *               *               *

Physical stats aren’t the only things people mishear. Often we’re listening for information from God, but what we want to hear gets in the way of what he’s really saying. It’s difficult to sweep away the clutter of preconceived ideas and wishes, but if start there, we’ll gradually become better listeners.

The best way to accomplish that is to ask God to clear our minds of unnecessary information when we’re trying to hear him. He’s glad we’re listening and because of that, he’ll bless us with a clear focus.

And to our benefit, he’ll do that whether we’re listening to him, to a doctor, or to anyone else.

“Dear friend, listen well to My words; tune your ears to My voice…. Concentrate!” (Proverbs 4:20-21, The Message)

Hold on tight!

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Lovin' my bath!Most babies and toddlers love bath time. Even though it usually comes at the end of their day when they’re tired and cranky, being set into a warm, bubbly tub brings giggles and pleasure.

Maybe it’s the special toys that come out only then or the guaranteed presence of a parent’s full attention. What babies and toddlers don’t realize, however, is that the adults overseeing bath time usually enjoy it as much as they do. Birgitta and I look forward to Emerald’s bath like it’s a favorite TV show or an entertaining read.

This 10 month old baby is petite for her age, so her pink plastic baby tub worked for nearly 7 months. That made bath time easy for Birgitta, since she propped it in the kitchen sink and didn’t even have to bend over to bathe her. When Emerald outgrew that tub, she went directly into the kitchen sink, a small space of bubbly water she thought was designed especially for her.

Figuring it outEach evening Birgitta and I watch Emerald learn things that are ordinary to us but extraordinary to her -– like how to pop bubbles with her finger or suck on a wet wash cloth to get a drink. This week she’s learning that running water can’t be held in her hands.

We adults figured that out long ago, but have we realized how the same principle can be applied to grown-up issues? Our natural tendency is to hold onto what is precious to us, even when it’s in the process of slipping through our fingers: our spouses, our children, our youthful vigor, our homes, our health, our opinions, our safety. You name it, and we’ve tried to hang onto it.

But no matter how tightly we squeeze, though, these things gradually slip away anyhow, making us worry that one day there won’t be anything left to hold onto. Thankfully, God has a simple solution for that:

“Let go of everything but Me.”

Just when we feel like everybody and everything is disappearing like water through our fingers, at that very moment God gives us the exact directive we want to hear. “Hold on tight!” But what he means is…. to him.

If we’re willing to make him the only thing we cling to, he’ll turn around and take hold of us with a loving grip so strong it will never let us go. And in the process he’ll also fill our empty places with his airtight promises and sustaining strength.

Fascinating...So, our choice is to go through life’s transitions trying to grab what can’t be held (like Emerald’s flowing water), or we can let go of what isn’t ours to hold onto and hang onto what is: the Lord himself.

Jesus said, “No one can snatch [believers] away from me, for my Father has given them to me, and he is more powerful than anyone else. No one can snatch them from the Father’s hand. The Father and I are one.” (John 10:28-30)