Monthly Archives: November 2012

Why struggle?

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This morning I listened to a radio report on the different ways American and Asian children are taught. The study followed classroom instruction and parental messages to elementary age kids and found a glaring difference: American teachers/parents strive to keep learning positive, eliminating struggle wherever possible. Asian teachers/parents not only let children struggle, they promote it, designing lessons to make it happen.

An American mother might say, “Jamie, you got a good grade because you’re a smart boy.” An Asian mom might say, “Kim, you won the prize because you kept trying.”

The study included classroom and home observations during which researchers recorded what teachers/parents said to their children, along with their responses. One examiner in an Asian classroom of 8 year olds said he was surprised when the teacher chose a failing student to do his work at the chalkboard up front.

The student grappled with his problem for over an hour, during which time the teacher occasionally asked the class, “Does he have it right yet, class?”

The answer was always no, and the researcher couldn’t believe the young student continued without breaking into tears. When he finally did get it right, the teacher said, “Look, class, he got it. Didn’t he do a great job working for the answer?” Rather than praising the boy’s ability, she praised his perseverance.

Most Asian teachers and parents structure their educating to include tasks they know are beyond the reach of students, just to exercise their mental stick-to-it-tiveness. For example, the study asked children to see if they could find the answer to a math problem intentionally designed to have no solution. On average, American school kids gave up in one minute or less, deeming it impossible. Asian children worked up to an hour before giving up.

But what does God have to say about all this? Is one method right and one wrong?

Scripture definitely touts the value of struggle. We see it in Bible characters and also today, in both visible battles (physical) and invisible ones (mental). Perseverance is a character quality God esteems, and satisfaction comes after we’ve sorted through complicated problems. But what about the dilemmas beyond our reach, those with no solutions? Does God want us to struggle indefinitely with those?

No. At that point he hopes we’ll turn from our own efforts, admit we’re at the end, and request his help. Then we get to watch him do the impossible. As we concede weakness, he imparts strength.

But what about the study on learning? Does one group win and the other lose? Not necessarily. Though Asian children are being taught the value of struggle, educators share a growing concern for their lack of imagination, citing American youngsters as examples of creative strength.

Thankfully the Lord provides unlimited opportunities for all of us to struggle in all categories. The trick is in appreciating it.

The Lord said, “My power is made perfect in [your] weakness.” (2 Corinthians 12:9)

Hey Mom: from Nelson

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Although our family is more than a week past the anniversary of Nate’s death, our children continue to share how they’re coping now, 3 years later. The 7 of them range in age from 22 to 39 and thus are all adults, but they’ll always be their Papa’s children.

We widows (and widowers) sometimes become so focused on managing our own seismic changes that we might forget to ask family members how they’re doing, too. Perhaps thoughts from my grown children can encourage other families who are also working to stay close as a group, despite having lost one parent.

Nate’s and my firstborn, Nelson, is currently far from home in Armenia, where he works full time with a global mission organization, Youth With A Mission. Distance on the globe, however, doesn’t translate to distance of heart:

Hey Mom,

I thought about Papa and you, of course, when we crossed over the Nov. 3 anniversary of his death. I have talked before about how that was the time I re-entered missions with YWAM [Youth With A Mission] with my team. It was a totally unique time.

Seeing the pic of him on your blog this morning really made me miss him. Interestingly, I was struck with regret about how I was as a teenager and beyond, and how I wish our relationship had been “more.” Whatever that means, I don’t know. Maybe it just means that I miss him, and it’s easier to beat yourself up for the past than it is to move on in a healthy way.

Here in Armenia, I hear Russian spoken all the time, and it reminds me of Papa. I still can’t believe he could speak it.

You have demonstrated the right way to move on to all of us and so many others. There is an American guy here who works at the US embassy, who did a DTS a while back. [Discipleship Training School with YWAM]  He lost his mother a month ago, and they were really close. He wanted to hear from me about losing a parent, so he took me to a fancy French restaurant the other night, and we “debriefed” a little about it.

God is faithful to use all our experiences for his glory.

Love,
Nel

Our God is a global God, yet he’s also focused on the details of our lives and is “faithful to use all our experiences for his glory.” That includes widowhood and losing a father, as well as youthful mistakes with their consequences, and every other “wish-I-hadn’t” from our pasts. Our heavenly Father is in the business of redeeming our mess-ups by restructuring them as set-ups for positive purposes in the lives of others. Although the devil hopes to immobilize us with ropes of regret, God is always way ahead of him, taking our spiritual lemons and making divine lemonade.

Thank you, Nelson, for your love across the miles and your insightful reminder today.

“Godly sorrow produces repentance leading to salvation, not to be regretted.” (2 Corinthians 7:10)

Hi Midge: from Birgitta

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As my children continue to weigh in on how they’re missing their father, below are a few thoughts from our youngest. Although Birgitta is 22 now, she was still a teenager when her father died, and because of that she’s grieved in a way different from the other six. Not knowing anyone else her age whose father had died made for a unique sense of isolation as she tried to adjust.

Here is her response to my recent inquiry about the 3rd anniversary of Nate’s death:

Hi, Midge,

Thanks for your email. I appreciate your sensitivity to us and how we’re dealing with Papa’s death, even 3 years later.

I think my grieving has progressed from dwelling on regrets and loss to appreciating the man Papa was and all the blessings he left us with. Of course there are still sad, difficult days, and I always think of November 3rd as one of them.

Papa feels especially distant this year, and I think my having a baby has been a big part of that. My whole life has been reshaped by Emerald, and he has been gone since long before her arrival. I think this is a very difficult and lasting consequence of losing a loved one. I don’t, however, want to discount his presence in my heart and mind as I’ve gone through and continue to experience life-changing moments.

I want to find a healthy balance between living in a world without Papa’s physical presence while carrying him with me in other ways. I think Papa’s absence has also led me to seek out a father/daughter relationship with God. And that is a continual process just like dealing with Papa’s absence is. I also think it has made me more aware and appreciative of all the relationships in my life. There’s a lot to be thankful for.

As you said, God has blessed our family exponentially. And He will continue to! Love you, Midge.

Love, Britt

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God deals with every individual one-on-one, because every set of circumstances and responses is unique. I’m especially thankful for this quality in the Lord, since grieving is such a personal thing with each person requiring a different form of tender help from him.

Hearing from my children as we begin another year without Nate has been a comfort to me, especially seeing how God has partnered with them along the bumpy way. As our heavenly Father steadily assures us through his Word, He is very near.

“[God] is not far from any one of us. For in him we live and move and exist.” (Acts 17:27-28)