Category Archives: Parenting

Far Far Away

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This afternoon I enjoyed an hour on the phone with Nelson when he called from the New Zealand base of Youth With A Mission where he’s working. New Zealand is about as far from Michigan as anyplace, but the connection between our two cell phones was flawless, as if he was calling from next door.

After we talked about incidentals, we got into a meaty conversation about committing our lives to Christ and what that means day-to-day. We agreed it’s a rare moment when any of us is 100% committed. Most of us hold back a few things we’d rather not surrender, leaving us maybe 98% committed. So, is there a loss for such an almost-committed person?

We agreed God usually lets us do our own thing but then might withhold the empowering he was ready to give us if we’d been all-out for him, the Spirit-power to accomplish something amazing with eternal benefit to ourselves or others. We agreed it’s possible to be 100% for a day… or maybe an hour… or more likely two minutes. It’s the thought-life that smudges us and brings us down.

I love talking to Nelson about spiritual things and miss our nightly conversations in front of the fireplace. Actually I miss conversations with all of my kids, especially when we “go deep” like we did today. It’s satisfying to wrestle together with some of life’s thorny issues, particularly when Scripture factors into the discussion.

I like to say I have 7 + 2 + 5 children: 7 kids, 2 in-law children and 5 grandchildren. And 13 of those 14 live far, far away.

Klaus:                     1 mile(s)

Lars:                       95    “

Birgitta:                   255   ”

Linnea and family:     1160  ”

Hans and family:       3941  ”

Louisa:                    4418 ”

Nelson:                    8838  ”

Today while talking with Nelson, I tried to think away from the knowledge that he was almost 10,000 miles away. Dwelling on the distance of my family members is non-productive. It’s actually unnerving.

A better idea is to enjoy a good cell connection and a lengthy conversation. A wise friend once told me, “Receive what you’re given and don’t wish for more.”

Always wishing for more comes naturally, but unfortunately, that mindset erodes the value of what’s currently being given. It’s also a good example of holding back 2% from God.

I can bellyache about my kids being far away, focusing on the negative, or I can delight in their frequent calls, emails and thoughtful attentions toward me. I can be thankful they work hard at staying current with each other and that no barriers lie between any of us. I can appreciate that each is working hard at a meaningful pursuit. I can rejoice in phone conversations of substance, and be glad they all come home whenever they can.

And tonight I can smile broadly, knowing Birgitta is driving in my direction, as she begins her spring break!

“Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.” (Colossians 3:15)

Letting Go, Part I

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Any mother who loves being a mom faces a bit of angst when it comes time to let her children go. The first really big “go” is off to college, a tough goodbye for most parents. But it helps to recognize we’ve been letting go in small ways during the 18 years leading up to that, each one a bit of training for the bigger go-moments.

The first small one is letting go of breastfeeding, followed soon by babies who grow into toddlers and prefer being on their own feet to being perched on our hips. Little by little they go – to the church nursery, preschool, kindergarten, summer camp. We find ourselves on the outside looking in, checking our little ones through one-way glass. They’ve gone into the room; we’re out in the hall.

Even as we clap for every new accomplishment, inside we’re struggling to keep a smidgen of sadness at bay. As time passes, our children go farther and farther from us, the natural order of things.

During the early years of letting-go’s, if our young ones object to being away from us, if they cry when we leave them, we get upset. But if they don’t mind going, that upsets us, too. Like it or not, each mini-going is a stepping stone to the biggest ones: moving into first apartments, getting married, relocating out-of-state, possibly out of the country.

Tonight I watched Birgitta go again. Because she’s having a good year at the University of Iowa, and because she’s had many “go’s” before today, our farewell wasn’t strained. Still, watching her drive away pushed me immediately into prayers of concern.

Last time she made this same drive (after Christmas break), a sudden snowstorm iced the roads till they became treacherous, and half way back to school she had a harrowing experience. Deep slush on the highway left only tire-track ruts to guide drivers, and visibility was poor. Her car fishtailed then began to swerve, ending in a full-circle spin. She came to a stop at the edge of the shoulder, other cars flying past her.

Incredibly, no one was hurt and no damage occurred. After taking a few minutes to collect herself, Birgitta cautiously finished her drive.

Today, as we looked out the window, the weather looked fine. But just to reassure her (and me), I said, “Let’s check weather.com before you go.”

The hour-by-hour chart showed a deteriorating forecast with the highlighted word “icy” in two of her five driving hours. Temperatures were exactly 32 degrees, that mysterious place of maybe-slippery-maybe-not. When we saw this, both of us sucked in air simultaneously like an unplanned duet. But she had to go anyway.

As she drove away, praying was the only way I could help. As I talked to God, he talked right back and said, “I know you’re thinking about Birgitta’s snowy spin-out. Some day I’ll explain exactly how I was involved in that, but for now, just know I was involved. You’re watching her go and you’re feeling helpless, but remember, I’m not just watching her, and I’m never helpless. Where she goes, I go.”

“You [Lord] are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance.” (Psalm 32:7)

Almost the Duggars

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Last week while driving from Michigan to Chicago I listened to a fascinating radio interview of Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar, the Christian family with 19 children and TV fame. Our family had its own Duggar-esque experience in 1989 when my sister’s family moved in with ours for a while.

We were 12 children and 4 adults, morphing into a family of 16 for six weeks. The kids look back on that time as the highlight of their childhoods. Mary and Bervin’s family was adding a second story to their ranch home. Without water, heat or benefit of a roof, they needed a place to stay.

We begged them to bunk with us, knowing how much fun it would be, and they agreed, but with one stipulation: that they buy all the food for the duration. Of course Nate and Bervin wrangled over this, but I saw it as God’s lavish blessing. Our family was at its low point financially with Nate’s business collapsing that very year.

I’ll never forget the night Bervin walked in our front door after a day at work carrying a fresh watermelon. Nate and I hadn’t splurged on fresh fruit for many months, and the sight of that big watermelon refreshed my soul. With 18 around the dinner table that night (my folks included), that melon came and went pretty quickly, but it tasted sweeter than any I’ve had since.

During the weeks we were together, the chicken pox hit, as well as the school science fair, but we also celebrated several birthdays, a couple of graduations and a few blue ribbons for those science projects. There were no squabbles, despite having to sleep on the floor, cram into vehicles and wait for meals. It was a happy time for all 16 of us, and when my sister’s house was ready for them to move back, we mourned the separation.

Not everyone likes to “live large.” Having to wait for the shower or being without private space can be frustrating. But God is deliberate in putting families together. He matches up husbands and wives and calls some to be single. He sends biological babies or not, sometimes choosing to bring children from the other side of the globe to complete a family.  He asks some couples to be childless in order to parent the children of others. His creativity in grouping us knows no limits.

We can arrange or rearrange things to suit ourselves, but stepping away from God’s lead is risky. His best may seem endlessly “just around the bend,” but we can trust that whatever he’s preparing will be worth our wait. Putting people into families was his idea first, and he knows how to satisfy our needs to love and be loved.

I’m single now, but I’m not lonely, because God has called me to it. Remembering our Duggar-esque weeks as a mega-family, though, makes me grin… and want to take a nap.

“Father to the fatherless, defender of widows—this is God, whose dwelling is holy. God places the lonely in families. Rejoice in his presence!” (Psalm 68:5-6,4b)