Category Archives: Marriage

Positive or Negative?

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On the floorI’ve been spending lots of time on the floor lately, since much of Emerald’s world is down there. Walking past her without dipping into her play-zone for a minute is nearly impossible, which is how I end up on the floor.

Today my eyes fell on a piece of white paper sticking out of a book on the low shelf behind her. Pulling it out, I recognized it as a list of Nate’s positive character qualities. I’d written it toward the end of the summer of 2009, shortly before we learned of his deadly cancer.

I can’t recall what prompted me to make the list, though I’d written similar ones at other times, wanting to appreciate my husband in fresh ways. But the interesting thing about this list was that the right hand side of the page had been torn off, and I couldn’t remember why.

Had there been a few negative characteristics written on that side? Had I felt guilty afterwards, removing that part?

Character traitsUnable to remember, I wondered what possibly could have been the value of writing down a loved one’s negatives? The only reason I can think of is to prove how few negatives there were next to a long list of positives. No matter what had been on that right side, I was glad it was no longer there.

I don’t think I ever showed the list of positives to Nate, but I wish I had. What an opportunity it would have been to build him up and express my love. I can just see us seated at dinner discussing the latest life challenges. Then I could have said, “I want to show you something.”

While his mind was still spinning with unnumbered stresses, I could have pulled out my “Positives” list and said, “This is a description of how I see you, and no matter what happens, this is how I’ll always see you.” I can picture him studying the list, surprised and delighted, after which his spirits would have been lifted and his courage strengthened.

Dad used to quote a poem about expressing verbal appreciation to the ones we love:

If you’ve anything good to say of a man,
Don’t wait till he’s laid to rest.
For an epitaph spoken when hearts are broken
Is an empty thing at best.

Today, since I can’t give the list to Nate, I gave it to the Lord, thanking him for how Nate’s positive character qualities blessed me every single day. After that, I put it back into the book on the floor-level shelf, to find again another day.

“May you always be filled with the fruit of your salvation — the righteous character produced in your life by Jesus Christ — for this will bring much glory and praise to God.” (Philippians 1:11)

Happy Memories (Conclusion)

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In John's carIn yesterday’s post I left you sitting in the back seat of our wedding getaway car listening to Nate’s surprise over the well-appointed gas station bathroom. We had changed out of our wedding clothes so as not to be conspicuous in the airport and were ready to focus on the task at hand: ditching the posse chasing us with a desire to punctuate our wedding night with pranks.

Our driver, John, headed for O’Hare with a line of cars hot on our trail and pulled up to the departure curb seconds ahead of them. Nate and I grabbed hands and bolted from the car into the crowded airport, hoping those in pursuit wouldn’t find out we weren’t actually flying anywhere.

Zig-zagging through mobs of travelers that Thanksgiving weekend, we darted into a gift shop and crouched behind a long display case, ignoring the stares of shoppers. Never mind that the case was glass on all 4 sides; it was the best we could do. It worked like a charm, though, because through the glass we got a glimpse of our pursuers running by, heading for the nearest gates. (No TSA to stop them in 1969.)

As soon as they passed our hiding place, we darted from the gift shop and ran back toward the street, crossing our fingers that John would just be completing his drive around the airport loop as we got there. Ideally we hoped to jump into his still-moving vehicle before our parade of pursuers saw us.

*               *               *               *               *               *               *               *

This memory of our post-wedding chase put a smile on my face last weekend as Nate’s and my anniversary date passed without him, once again. On our wedding day we were both 24 years old, and all was right with the world. Yet even during our romp through the airport, we were half-giggling and half-fearing. If our pursuers found us, would they really stick like glue all night? Might our marriage get off to a rocky start  because of whatever pranks they would pull?

That same conflict of feelings, giggling while fearing, reoccurred more than once in our 40 years together, not during any chase scenes but in everyday life. When threatening circumstances appeared, we tried to:

  • laugh, though nervous
  • smile, though anxious
  • giggle, though fearful

Actually, beneath those cheery exteriors, we might have been downright terrified, and God never wanted that. He wants all of us genuinely laughing, smiling, and giggling while letting him handle our nervousness, anxiety, and fear. But since our nature is to nurture the negatives and play down the positives, it takes willful determination on our part to follow his directive. When we do, though, our lives will be characterized by lots of joy.

The DrakeAs for Nate and I, all that nervousness was for naught. John was waiting at the airport curb, our pranksters never found us, and we giggled (without fear) all the way back to The Drake, where we had a short but very sweet honeymoon.

“Anxiety weighs down the heart.” (Proverbs 12:25)

Happy Memories

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The four days of Thanksgiving weekend included the 4th time I’ve come to my wedding anniversary without my husband. So on Friday, November 29, my thoughts floated between 1969 and 2013. It would have been 44 years.

As I told my children, though, this year wasn’t as difficult as the year before, which wasn’t as difficult as the year before that. A broken heart does mend, because it’s God who’s working gently within, doing the healing himself. And part of that is his pointing me back to the good times Nate and I had together.

The receptionAs I looked at wedding pictures this weekend and thought about that day, God reminded me of a funny incident after our reception. Back in the sixties it was common for a bride and groom to be “pranked”, so it was important to have a getaway plan.

Nate’s friend John from law school agreed to be our driver and seemed a safe bet, since none of our friends knew him or his car.

Our honeymoon destination was The Drake Hotel, only 1½ miles from Moody Church, so it was critical no one find out where we were going. If they did, they’d be knocking on our door all night, harassing us with phone calls, dogging our every move.

featured_Drake_Snow_BannerNate had stored his car (and our suitcases) near The Drake a week before the wedding, so all we had to do was get ourselves there without being followed. The plan was to first head for O’Hare Airport, making everyone believe we were flying out of town. Then we could double back to The Drake for a peaceful, private honeymoon.

Rice throwingAfter the rice was thrown and we were safely in John’s back seat, a trail of cars set out following us, as expected. John did his best to lose them, but the chase was on, and even red lights didn’t stop them.

Earlier in the day I’d put my long coat in John’s car and Nate had added his own clothes. He didn’t think it appropriate to change in the back seat, so en route to the airport, John pulled into a filling station. The chasing cars hung back, ostensibly waiting for us to gas up, but Nate grabbed his clothes, crouched down, and raced to the bathroom door. In the back seat, I slipped out of my gown and into my coat.

MirrorWhen Nate returned, he said, “That was the nicest bathroom! It had a full length mirror and everything!”

“That,” we said, “was because it was the women’s bathroom.” (We’d all seen the sign.)

*               *               *               *               *               *

It was just a tiny memory on my anniversary without Nate, but God used it to prompt gratitude. All widows have hundreds of happy recollections like that, and it’s wisdom to summon them up in order to transform a broken heart into a thankful one. And what better weekend to do it than Thanksgiving?

[Chase conclusion tomorrow]

“Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” (1 Thessalonians 5:18)