Saintly Behavior

A guy-friend recently said, “I’ve been reading the blog and gosh, I never realized what a saint Nate was.” I’m sure he was also thinking, “He wasn’t really, was he?”

Nate loading dishwasherWhy does Nate come across that way in the blog posts? I suppose it’s because I’ve chosen to share only the good things. Interestingly, that’s easy now. It’s satisfying. In the years since he died, I’ve missed him terribly and have come to appreciate the “good stuff” anew.

Psychology experts tell us if we’re going to criticize someone, we should first speak out four praises. Thinking I was already doing that, one day many years ago I decided to keep track. Sadly, I was woefully deficient in the praise category.

Double DutyOne thing I learned as I kept my tally, though, was that I could improve with practice. I also discovered something else. When I thought nice things about Nate such as, “He’s such a big help to me,” I often failed to say them. If I asked God to prompt me to turn those thoughts into words, he would, but of course I had to remember to ask.

I did learn one foolproof way to go from my spotty performance to 100% success in my praising, though: to hear the words “terminal cancer.” Those two words caused an instant change in my ways. Now, looking back to the time when Nate was healthy and with me daily, I can see it was pride that kept me from praising him lavishly while I still could have. And it’s pitiful.

???????????????????????????????I wonder how marriages would change if wives and husbands agreed to make only uplifting statements to one another for a month in an effort to establish new patterns. This would mean swallowing every word of criticism before it came out and letting go of all desire to change the other person. It would mean continually ignoring the bad and highlighting the good… as I’m now finding is so rewarding to do.

God knew this wouldn’t come naturally for us, but that didn’t stop him from urging us to reach for it. When the Lord addresses our partnerships (husbands and wives, soldiers and leaders, brothers and sisters, church members, parents and children, business partners), he urges us to be positive with our words. As a matter of fact, he elevates this to best-possible-activity level, telling us it actually brings him glory when we do it.

After nearly 5 years without Nate, my inner wish is that I could go back and try again. I know I could do much better now…. maybe even be saintly.

“May God, who gives… patience and encouragement, help you live in complete harmony with each other, as is fitting for followers of Christ Jesus. Accept each other just as Christ has accepted you, so that God will be given glory.” (Romans 15:5,7)

Praising and Praying with Mary

  1.  A new anti-nausea drug has worked perfectly today – NO nausea!
  2. The feeding tube options aren’t quite as good. I’ll see a GI specialist in a week to decide what to do. Please pray for wisdom then, and for decreased pain now.
  3. Pray I’ll be able to continue helping with wedding preparations and hosting kids and grandkids this coming week.

Getting to Know You

About a year after Nate died, I discovered something new about him. Actually, two things.

FlashbackA guest at our home stumbled across a copy of “The Flashback,” a school yearbook published in 1958. It has Nate’s name printed on the inside flap, and his picture is on several of its 55 pages. Apparently Churchill Junior High School was brand new that year, opening its doors to 1000 students 57 years ago, on September 3, 1957. I went on line and learned the school is still functioning, although today it isn’t labeled “state of the art” as it was in the fifties.

Paging through the yearbook is a visual of American history. Girls wore skirts or dresses with saddle shoes and rolled down socks. The rule, wrote one girl, was “blouses tucked in or a trip to the advisor’s office.” The boys had short hair, tucked shirts, belts, slacks, no blue jeans.

Football teamSo, what did I learn about Nate?

First, I never knew he played football! I did know of his interest in the high school newspaper (the editor) and the debate team (the captain) but was surprised to see him kneeling in the second row with the team (far left). In 40 years of marriage I never saw Nate toss a football, and he attended school games only to see Hans play in the marching band.

The second surprise was his keen interest in girls. At the age of 12, he was already watching carefully. His yearbook has a penciled X next to the faces of those he considered cute and a line under their names. He’d highlighted eight girls in all.

I loved reading the farewell messages on the autograph pages, particularly the note from a buddy who mentioned one of the X-ed girls: “Nathan. To a good friend who kept me up (April 12, Sunday morning) to 2:00 AM on Marilyn and her features. Lots of Luck. Bruce.” Had I seen this gem a year ago, I would have asked Nate a few questions.

None of us can know everything about somebody else, not even a long-term spouse. That’s because we’re good at covering things up, and we don’t especially want to be fully known. But Scripture tells us God does know us fully, like it or not. It doesn’t affect what he feels about us, though, and what he feels is intense love.

Nothing we do surprises him or changes his mind about us. This is a huge relief, because it means we don’t have to play games or hide anything from him.

Yearbook photoI’m sure the 12-year-old Nate hid his feelings from Marilyn and never let her know how enamored he was of her “features”. But all in all, it’s probably best that she never knew.

“God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” (Romans 5:8)

Praising and Praying with Mary

  1. Chemo #8 went as usual today. I’m thankful for answered prayer about side effects continuing to be mild. Thank you!
  2. I praise God for generous, encouraging friends!

In a Timely Manner

Train couponMany months after Nate died, I came across an expired coupon worth $8.00. The title read, “NICTD CONFIRMATION OF A LATE TRAIN.” Google let me know that NICTD stood for Northern Indiana Commuter Transportation District, and it was clear what had happened.

Before Nate and I moved to SW Michigan in 2009, he had commuted to Chicago’s Loop from the suburbs for 37 years. After we moved, he still traveled to the Loop, but from the opposite direction, riding the South Shore Line from Michigan City.

Although Nate often bragged about the punctual Chicago trains, apparently the NICTD didn’t have the same track record. Many late trains coaxed them to establish a coupon system offering passengers a pay-back for extreme tardiness. Along the side of Nate’s coupon it reads, “60+MINUTES LATE.” That’s a woefully overdue train.

The cross-shaped punches in Nate’s coupon indicate he was on board this “at least 60+ minutes late” train on his fourth commuting day. With his back in severe pain and his body suffering from hidden pancreatic cancer, he must have been beyond miserable while the train sat on a track neither here nor there.

I can tell from Nate’s oversized handwriting on the coupon that he was frustrated. I don’t know why he never redeemed it, surely intending to do so on principle. He used to say that when someone contracts to be on time, they should be, and each ticket purchased is a mini-contract.

Nate was always on time. If he was late for anything, it was because I had something to do with it, an aggravation during our early years together. He was right to be punctual, and I was wrong to be late. But as married people learn to do when compromise doesn’t work, one partner gives in, and with us it was Nate. I wish I’d tried harder to pull myself together.

South Shore LineBut God was watching, appreciating Nate’s desire to be on time. I say that because God is never late, and we are to emulate him. He usually waits to act until we think he is late, but when he comes through, it’s always spectacular. In this, he’s trying to teach us it’s important to be on time.

Those who’ve mastered punctuality on earth have already stockpiled treasure in heaven. Nate gets double credit for his efforts, because he put the interests of his wife ahead of his own by giving me grace. But both “early people” and “late people” will get some time-related perks in paradise. The “earlies” will never again have to struggle with the “lates”, and the “lates” will have all the time they need.

But as for me, I trust in You, O Lord; I say, “You are my God.” My times are in Your hand. (Psalm 31:14-15)

Praising and Praying with Mary

  1. As I receive infusion #8 tomorrow, I thank you for praying against nausea.
  2. My extra-busy week continues through this week as well. Thank you for your prayers for stamina and proper rest.