Teaching by Example

Posted on November 21, 2011 by Margaret

Marriage was one of God’s more creative ideas. Two idealistic people come together with high hopes for heaven on earth, then quickly realize the old adage about opposites attracting is true after all.

Of course putting opposites together was clever. God hoped the improbability of getting along would cause couples to seek his help, after which they’d have a good chance to make their marriage work, even thrive.

An old proverb that speaks truth is, “Friendship is the appreciation of similarities, and love is the appreciation of differences.” Every marriage needs its friendship component, but the glue that holds it together through tough times is the loving appreciation of differences.

Unfortunately it’s more likely we’ll try to change our partner than appreciate the differences. We think, “Why can’t everybody just be like me?”

Nate and I got married while he was still a law student. He was a coffee-holic who sipped from a bottomless mug as he studied, and I loved tea. In a restaurant, he’d watch as the waiter brought me a cup, saucer, tiny teapot of hot water, teabag and lemon wedge. “That looks like a lot of work,” he’d say. “Why don’t you just drink coffee?”

“Or you could drink tea!” I’d counter.

I wasn’t any good at making coffee and rarely made it for him. (Mr. Coffee hadn’t been invented.) He thought it was silly to buy a variety of teabags on our tiny budget. We just couldn’t see eye to eye.

Then one day Nate surprised me. “I’ve decided to try tea. As a matter of fact, I’m going to drink it for a whole year and try to like it.” I figured he had finally seen the value of thinking just like me.

Nate kindly followed through, getting acquainted with Earl Grey, Mint Medley and Lemon Zest. But at the end of that year, the coffee bean still had his heart. Eventually it won mine, too, although not because Nate asked me to forsake tea for a year. Actually he never insisted I think like him about anything. Looking back, I see that as true love, the appreciation of our differences.

Scripture tells us to look out for the interests of others, and to do unto others as we’d like them to do unto us. We’re also told to love our neighbors as we love ourselves. These things are to be done without first trying to change the other person. We’re to do them to imitate God, and when we do, he promises two good things: life will go better for us (including marriage), and he’ll reward our efforts.

I wish I could say I did as well as Nate did at appreciating marriage differences. He taught by example, and I guess it’s taken me until now to really figure out the lesson.

“If you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.” (Luke 6:33,36)

Fairy Tale Living

Posted on September 8, 2011 by Margaret

When Nate and I got married in 1969, Pastor Sweeting asked each of us for a favorite Bible verse he could incorporate into our wedding ceremony. As a 24-year-old, I looked ahead to the fairy tale life Nate and I would lead, unaware of the twists and turns we would have to take. So I told the pastor my favorite verse was 2 Samuel 22:33: “God is my strength and power, and He makes my way perfect.” And that, along with Nate’s favorite, was the Scripture he used.

Life was perfect back then. I was a bride with a handsome groom looking toward endless bright tomorrows. Although I had only a perfunctory relationship with God, I thought my wedding verse summarized exactly how life would unfold: perfectly. At that moment, “my way was perfect,” though I don’t recall crediting God for any of it.

As the Lord would have it, though, life wouldn’t be the fairy-tale I’d envisioned. He loved me too much not to put some bumps on our road. In his view, hard times would be the reason I’d step closer to him.

Since those idyllic days of 1969, I’ve learned life may have brief moments of fairy tale happiness, but this side of heaven, that can’t be the theme. I’ve also learned that rough patches do have the capacity for joy buried in them.

In 2004 I was asked a second time about my favorite verse. Mom surprised us at her 90^th birthday party, arriving with 23 gifts for her 3 children, 3 children-in-law, and 17 grandchildren: a Bible for each one, the style, translation and cover chosen to match the different personalities. Then she said, “Next year when I turn 91, the only birthday gift I want is for each of you to write down your favorite verse from your new Bible and tell me why.”

I didn’t have to think long. Although 2 Samuel 22:33 is still God’s inspired truth, the verse I’d needed most often in the 35 years since our wedding, had been a different one. Despite my fairy tale expectations in 1969, troubles had, indeed, found us, and I’d needed God’s practical help, as well as a way to find joy within struggles.

I found both by claiming my special verse: James 1:5.

“If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.”

God hopes his Word will come in handy for us. He says it’s alive and able to empower us to get through each dilemma that comes. As we use Scripture for everyday purposes we’re actually linking up with eternity, because God’s Word is established in heaven.

And maybe when we get there, instead of relying on one favorite verse, we’ll automatically have the whole Bible memorized, a grand finale’ unmatched by any fairy tale.

“Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will never pass away.” (Matthew 24:35)

Spicy Relationships

Posted on August 29, 2011 by Margaret

Nate and I married when he was a second year law student at the University of Illinois and I was a teacher in a small town. Without money, we feathered our first nest in Early Hand-Me-Down, delighted with reject-carpeting and a used couch. Sticking Contact paper onto cabinets, walls and canisters (coffee cans) made our place a beautiful backdrop for young love.

I remember the first couple-trip we made to the grocery store to buy supplies. Our 23” long receipt is still glued into my engagement scrapbook, a happy reminder of a delightful date-night (despite the extravagant $43.68 bottom line).

While we were at the grocery store, Nate asked if we could buy some spices. Since he didn’t cook, I wasn’t sure why, but we bought the minimum: salt, pepper, cinnamon… and nutmeg. We painted the one-bedroom apartment white, and I moved in. (Nate had to wait 3 months, till after our November wedding.)

Like every other young couple, we had love-names for each other. Some will remain a secret, but the one Nate used most was “Meg”. It was unique to him, and both of us used it on love notes and cards.

A month before we were married, I opened one of our two kitchen cabinets to get the cinnamon for toast and found a tiny love note attached to our lone spice can. Nate had taken a strip of masking tape, covered the “nut” in “nutmeg” and written “Nate’s” instead, i.e. “Nate’s Meg.” I loved it so much I’ve taken care of it for 42 years, and tonight the rusted can is sitting on my desk.

We weren’t unique in having special names for each other. Some newlyweds even have a language all their own, a vocabulary just for them. We weren’t any different, using tender words and inside jokes to make the most of every minute together.

Decades passed, and many of the pet names we had for each other disappeared, but as the years went by, we learned how to communicate better and better. Long-married wives and husbands figure out what works by finally surrendering what doesn’t. And if couples make it to a 40^th or 50^th anniversary, they know how to effectively talk to each other.

Someone else who communicates perfectly is God. He not only understands (and speaks) every language on the planet, he “gets” the slang and couple-vocab, too. Better still, he comprehends thought-language, yearnings we might have trouble putting into words.

This is good news for widows, who often agonize so deeply that a whimper or a sob is all they can “say”. Even then, God hears accurately, knowing their names and even their nicknames. As the old hymn says, Jesus is the lover of our souls. He may even have some nicknames of his own for us.

The nickname “Meg” stuck on greeting cards and notes until the day Nate died. Although I eventually bought a new tin of nutmeg, Meg’s Nate can never be replaced.