Category Archives: Life’s disappointments

Common Sense

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I can’t qualify as a fan of Dr. Phil, but both times I’ve heard him, he was fascinating. He’s got the ability to quickly analyze a handful of disjointed circumstances and pinpoint a problem with an accurate bottom line. His remedies land on the side of common sense, and they solve problems.

In dealing with the tensions of modern life, whether financial, relational or circumstantial, he recommends following a bit of advice his father gave him. “Spend 5% of your time deciding if you got a good or bad deal, and 95% of your time deciding what you’re going to do about it.”

I lost my husband and became a widow. As that heartbreak unfolded (and for months afterwards), I couldn’t think of anything else, dwelling on the disaster 95% of the time, analyzing the “bad deal.” As for any effort spent on what I was going to do about it, not even 5%.

Eventually, though, those percentages have to move in the other direction as Dr. Phil says, or heavy grieving can become a permanent place to live. I knew I didn’t want that.

Slowly but surely, because of God’s involvement, the balance began tipping in a healthy direction. It has helped to look for positives, and I don’t mean advantages to my husband’s death (because there are precious few). But because God pours good things into our lives every day, there are many blessings to be named.

Dr. Phil’s recommended 5%-95% ratio can be applied to any crisis we encounter. After a time of laser-focus on the problem, we need to shift our thinking toward solutions, setting aside the “if only’s” and coming up with a few “can do’s.”

My former pastor, Colin Smith, says that when we’re in the depths of despair, who we are and who God is intersect. “The depths is where our most holy moments occur,” he says, explaining how we gain an understanding of the profound when we’re bottomed out.

But how does God expect us to rise from those depths, to crawl from a 95% focus on the bad deal we’ve had to 95% on what we’re going to do about it? It’s because we’ve bumped into, or intersected with God. We’ve bonded with him at our lowest point, which is exactly where he empowers us to move away from it.

He wants us to reach for new beginnings. Something positive has ended, yes, but God is an unlimited resource for new starts that will lead to more good. We can’t see them yet, but we can make plans to move away from what we know to be sad toward what we know will be good, weighting the percentage toward what God-and-I-together are going to do about it.

And that’s just common sense.

“There is a time for everything… a time to tear and a time to mend.” (Ecclesiastes 3:7a)

Dear Nate

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I miss you.

Especially today, because it’s your birthday.

Sometimes my longing to be with you is so strong it grows into an ache that’s hard to handle. One day that longing will melt away, when I travel to be where you are now. That’s comforting.

Two years ago, you and I were still celebrating our birthdays together, an annual double-header. With only 10 days between us, we were the same age 355 days a year. But that calendar has aged me into 66; you locked in at 64. It’s hard to get old without my birthday-buddy.

In August of 2009, cancer wasn’t part of our lives. Mary and Bervin hosted a party for the two of us, remember? And despite ongoing back pain and a mysterious stomach ache, you smiled for the camera.

I never heard you complain about physical pain, not in 43 years of knowing you, but that summer you didn’t feel good. One day you even said you wondered if something other than back problems might be wrong. A month later we found out you were right.

Today I spent time praying about you. Of course you don’t need my prayers in Paradise, but I wanted to thank God for bringing you into my life and for choosing you as my husband, a man who was willing to love me with a 1st Corinthians 13 love as well as to father and support 7 children.

I also re-read journal pages from those days surrounding your birthday two years ago and found something utterly astounding. Your back had become so severe that the highlight of every day had been at 8 pm when you eased yourself onto the bed atop two ice packs placed at the small of your back.

I was concerned about our future, upset by your pain, and worrying about what God was doing (or not doing). So I wrote out a 3 page prayer to him, all about you. Here’s part of it:

Lord, please touch Nate’s body with your supernatural power, I pray. Lift this back misery right out of his life. I cry out to you to bring him to your feet, into your presence, Lord, fully dependent on you.

And that’s where I caught my breath, because that’s exactly what God did! Touched your body… lifted away your pain… brought you to Jesus’ feet… into his presence… dependent on him.

(I bet you’re getting a kick out of this,  probably laughing with joy. Oh how I miss your hearty laugh!)

I know you’re glad I read that journal today and made the God-connection, saw how he’d answered my prayers. Although your departure wasn’t my choice, I want you to know I’m doing ok (partly because I know you’re doing ok). All of the credit goes to God. I don’t know where I’d be without him…

…but I know you can say the same thing.

Happy Birthday, Nate. I love you.

“Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.” (Psalm 90:17)

Winning Approval

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None of us like to be refused permission, but like it or not, the world is full of hoops to jump through in order to win approval.

Some of that jumping takes place at local DMVs, Department of Motor Vehicles. Although today was Birgitta’s last day at home for quite a while, we had to spend several hours working on three stressful projects:

1.  Replacing her misplaced driver’s license

2.  Updating her car’s license plate sticker

3.  Switching the plates from IL to MI

4.  Applying for a car title with her name on it

Before leaving the house, we tallied our documents: birth certificate, two pieces of mail addressed to her, her social security card, the car title, student ID, proof of valid insurance, checkbook. Rumor has it it’s difficult to get approval in the state of Michigan, and we’d already been turned down once for incomplete documentation.

As we clutched our items and drove to the DMV, my mind drifted back to May of 2009, when Nate and I were trying to establish Michigan residency. It was a daisy chain of approvals that had to occur in the correct order: first, register to vote, but that couldn’t happen without getting a driver’s license, which couldn’t happen without Michigan no-fault insurance.

We were excited to be moving to Michigan, anxious to get legal. Nate’s back pain was severe that day, so I drove the 20 miles while he tipped back in his seat, closing his eyes. Once we got there, he made good use of the hour-long wait by setting up Michigan insurance on his cell phone, after which we worked with DMV personnel at separate desks.

At the end of two hours they told me, “Everything’s in order. Here’s your license.” But poor Nate. He heard, “Sorry, big guy. This piece of mail doesn’t qualify,” and was denied. I saw his shoulders drop as he realized he’d have to go through the whole process again.

Two weeks later we returned toting complete documents but found the office closed.

Today Birgitta and I stood together at a high counter at the mercy of the woman across from us. She had the power to approve or disapprove Birgitta’s attempt to become a Michigander. Although the outcome was important since she needed a new license, I thought of another outcome far more critical: approval by God.

All of us want mercy in eternity, and because of Christ’s death in our stead, we can have it. Repentance of sin and belief in this Savior are the only “documents” needed. The biggest difference between getting Michigan citizenship and citizenship in heaven is that we have to prove ourselves in the first case and have already been approved in the second.

This afternoon, despite two major set-backs, we walked out of the DMV with all 4 tasks completed.

As for Nate, when he and I readied to make our third trip there, we learned he wouldn’t need to become a Michigander after all. He was on his way to merciful, pre-approved existence in heaven.

“Am I now trying to win the approval of men or of God?” (Galatians 1:10)