I think often about my marriage to Nate. Being distanced from it for nearly ten months now, my thoughts have become somewhat objective. When we’re still in a marriage, the analysis gets blurred by the importance of our own perspective. Now that it’s over for me, of course I have regrets. I’ve had to talk myself out of a host of would-of, could-of and should-of’s, which are part of the tyranny of hindsight.
Because my mate was taken earlier than expected, I’m nervous I didn’t appreciate Nate in full measure. So what can be done about it? For me, nothing. My opportunities to be a good wife to Nate have ended. For those who are still married, however, there is time.
Quite a few blog readers have commented that some of the posts have made them rush to hug their husbands or compliment them. This is thrilling to me! These folks won’t suffer regret. I believe God will honor their efforts with exponentially positive results, and they’ll never be sorry they made the effort.
Other readers have asked, “In your life without Nate, what have you learned so far?” The big answer is that God’s promise in Isaiah 54:5 is an anchor that holds. He’s told me he’ll be my husband and has followed through perfectly.
Secondly, I’ve learned a great deal about marriage since having had mine removed. Every husband and wife would do well to think about what life would be like if their spouse disappeared. It might make for interesting restaurant conversation. How would life change? If there were no more opportunities to say anything or do anything for their partner, how would each feel about what’s been said and done so far?
All of us are good at taking people for granted. We say, “Putting him on a pedestal isn’t necessary. He’s not worthy of that.” Instead, we wives are persistent about trying to modify our men. “Yes, they’re good guys, but they can always use a few more suggestions.” Sadly, that comes across as criticism, and none of us like that, especially at home.
A husband and wife ought to be each other’s #1 fan, surrendering nit-picking in favor of cheerleading. I didn’t always get this right, so I’m lumping myself in with everyone else. The only difference is that I can’t improve, while others still can.
Every marriage has restless periods when one or the other wishes they were single. We shouldn’t allow ourselves to “stay” in that place, wandering around in past memories of singlehood or wishing for future independence. While “living” in either place, we are setting aside the marriage at hand.
My Widow Warrior pals and I would give anything to have another crack at being good wives to the men we loved who are now gone. And because of that, I’ve taken a chance in this blog, hoping to challenge those of you who are still married to make the most of it. You are blessed!
“Wives are to be women worthy of respect, not malicious talkers but temperate and trustworthy in everything.” (1 Timothy 3:11)
‘surrendering nit-picking in favor of cheerleading’ – good and worthy counsel! Right to this reader’s heart…thanks for such a timely reminder. You are a blessing.
Thank you for your words of wisdom today. They cut deep and at the same time are words of healing balm. You have earned the right to challenge us. I pray the Lord carry your words into the hearts of each reader.
This Widow Warrior says “Wonderful Words”!
This Widow Warrior agrees totally!
This whiny wife says, “If hindsight is 100% perfect” then bring it on! If your new “badge” of widowhood has earned you anything, it’s certainly the right to speak into the pettiness that creeps into many an otherwise good marriage. A dear friend (newly widowed) told me that she was not nearly so hurt seeing HAPPY couples, as seeing the UNhappy ones. You have challenged me before but tonight the gauntlet has been thrown down in earnest! I’m taking him out to dinner and we are going to have that very conversation….(My husband will rise up and call you blessed!)
Powerful message today. Preach it Mom! I have to say though, I consider you to be a great example of how a wife should respect and encourage her husband every day. I don’t ever remember you nagging him, and I’m sure that’s part of why he just about worshiped the ground you walked on. 🙂 Love you and counting down to Saturday!!!
I was going to say the very thing your precious daughter Linni did above—so coming from a sister in the Lord, it was obvious that Nate absolutely adored you, so if there were any times you dropped the ball, he didn’t seem to even notice! (love your blog, kiddo)
I so agree with every word you wrote today. I would like to have Tom back for 5 minutes to kiss him on the top of his head and to tell him again how much I truly loved him. Thanks to God I had that chance in the ER the night before he died. What a blessing that was to both of us. Thanks for todays blog.
Stormie Omartian’s (Monday) prayer for our husbands is: “Help me to accept him the way he is and not try to change him. I leave any changing that needs to be done in Your hands. Lord, I lay all my expectations at Your cross.”
Good blog, Midge. I believe the very best base to any relationship is ‘accepting each other for our differences’…acknowledging them in whatever circumstance they arrive and move forward. In retrospect, we grow and mature through it all. You have 7 very good examples of a ‘love-based’ marriage. God has truly blessed you, and he blessed Nate with YOU. He’s just not finished with you – here – yet.