Beef with Broccoli

Nate knew of my disinterest in cooking. After we’d been married a few years, he said, “If I ever make a lot of money, I’ll hire a cook for you. What kind would you like?”

Without pausing, I said, “A Chinese cook.”

That’s still true. Beef with broccoli outdoes filet mignon in my book any day. Over the years I tried my hand at following Chinese recipes with mid-level success, but generally it’s more fun (and more delicious) to order take-out. We had our favorite restaurant back in the Chicago suburbs and have found a wonderful one here in Michigan, the China Cafe.

Nate’s last restaurant meal was there, three days before we learned of his cancer. Mary, Bervin and the two of us had gone out just for the fun of it, and Nate had eaten every bit of his shrimp with lobster sauce, astounding us all. His appetite had waned by then, and normally he wouldn’t have touched 75% of his dinner. This robust eating was a testimony to his love of Chinese food, and the three of us look back fondly on that night.

Tonight Mary and I decided to split an order of beef with broccoli from the China Cafe while we watched an episode of our beloved “Father Knows Best.” It was my turn to pick up the food, and when I did, our favorite little waitress was solicitous of my welfare. “How you doing now,” she said, leaning toward me. We talked for ten minutes, and she wanted to know about each of our kids, where they were located and how each was faring. She repeatedly said, “I’m sorry,” and when I referred to Nate as “Mr. Shrimp with Lobster Sauce,” she remembered.

Her life isn’t easy, working non-stop at a restaurant. Her husband is the cook, and by the time the two of them close up, clean up and drive the 30 minutes home, it must be nearly 1:00 AM. She probably isn’t asleep until shortly before her two year old son is waking up. But she became animated with joy in answering my questions about him, describing how busy and energetic he is. Surely she struggles with having to be away from him most of the hours of every day.

She’s also a stepmother to her husband’s first son, a high school senior she’s trying to help with college applications. I admire what she and her husband have accomplished in a country that isn’t their own. They work hard and keep their restaurant open for business even when diners are few, like tonight (one table-full). She is the biblical definition of perseverance coupled with good cheer.

Helen could easily justify a sour attitude, taking orders from people all day and being on her feet until they hurt. Although I’m old enough to be her mother (and practically her grandmother), I’m learning from her fine example. I like her a great deal and would love to know her better.

Maybe if I eat enough beef with broccoli, I will.

“All the days of the oppressed are wretched, but the cheerful heart has a continual feast.” (Proverbs 15:15)

Picture this.

Today was a hazy day with wispy clouds high in the sky. Unseasonably warm temps coaxed Jack and I to the beach for an outdoor prayer time, a special treat. Walking the waveless waterline in bare feet was surely wading on borrowed time.

When we left the beach to run errands, I glanced back to appreciate the view. “The sunset will be beautiful tonight with these streaky clouds,” I told Jack.

Hours later I was taking advantage of a senior citizen day at the nearest Kohl’s (22 miles away) and noticed a pinkish light streaming through the windows and across the clothing racks, a wildly colorful sunset going on just across the parking lot.

Heading for the windows with an armload of clothes, I marveled at the magnificent view. Amazingly, the crowd pushing hangers back and forth nearby was unaware of the light show outside.

Watching pink, blue, purple and gold layers ripple across the sky like theater floodlights, I knew God was doing something spectacular, so dug in my purse for the camera I always carry. When I couldn’t find it, I wondered how I could ever “save” the sunset without it.

Before I could figure that out, though, the colors began to fade, and the opportunity was gone.

As I walked to the fitting room, I couldn’t figure out why my spirits were so low. What was there to be sad about? The bargains were good, the selection was great, time was ample and I’d just enjoyed a gorgeous sunset. What bothered me was my inability to get a picture. Without the picture, I had no evidence of what I’d just seen.

As expected, none of the clothes looked good on me, because my heart wasn’t in it. While driving home, I thought about the sunset and realized I’d been more concerned about getting the picture than seeing the actual sunset. And immediately I thought of Nate. Last night I’d gotten lost in my photo albums until well past midnight. Every picture with Nate in it had become a treasure, because of course there will be no more taken.

And that’s what was bothering me.

A photo can’t hold a sunset any more than a picture could have held Nate. But my thoughts said, “You should have taken more pictures. He’s gone now. You squandered your chances.” I recognized this as the quiet voice of mourning. Although I’ve been feeling better lately, I knew the old sense of sadness could bubble up at any time.

It’s at moments like this that God’s promises of heavenly reunions move in and lift us. “Looking at” the mental picture of reconnecting with loved ones is enough to obliterate negative self-talk and put bright hope in its place. Although I  have no photos of heaven in my albums, those glorious reunions are worth trying to “see”.

I can’t post a current picture of Nate, nor can I show one of tonight’s sunset or of a heavenly reunion. But having no pictures can’t negate the wondrous reality of all three.

“Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see.” (Hebrews 11:1)

Getting Out

In my first year as a widow, I took 11 trips, accumulating 17,000 frequent flyer miles and clocking 28,000 highway miles. I’m not sure how that happened, and traveling certainly hadn’t been my goal. My honest intention after Nate died was just to burrow in at home and think about whatever God put on my mind.

But when new babies come, grandmas go!

Although I did fly and drive to spend time with faraway friends and family, I didn’t do much locally. Last September was Nate’s and my first autumn living in Michigan, and we fully intended to begin putting roots down immediately. We wanted to serve in our new church and get better acquainted with our neighbors, thinking we might host a casual supper for everyone on our street.

But right then cancer hit, and we were forced to begin a completely different journey. We couldn’t go to church because of the severity of Nate’s illness, and our neighbors graciously gave us space and privacy (while somehow managing to put food on our doorstep).

After Nate died and my kids and grandkids returned to their regular lives, those in our neighborhood began stepping forward with loving invitations. “Would you come for dinner? Does the church concert interest you? Could you use the extra banquet ticket I have? Want to come for game night? join our book club? go out for pizza?”

These kind invitations came in between my unpacking and repacking sessions when I was craving time alone. Saying “no” to each request, I felt guilty and unfriendly. The one invitation I did accept turned into a debacle; I forgot to go. They were understanding, but I still feel badly about it.

Meeting new people, answering questions and trying to smile was nearly impossible in those early months. My insides ached, and no amount of “want-to” helped.

But today is a different day. Life is getting better. The ache, although still there, is less pronounced, and tears aren’t just beneath the surface anymore. So when my next-door-neighbor Linda invited me to her Bible study, I said “yes”.

This morning, about twenty of us gathered at a church five minutes away to learn from Hebrews 6. All ages were represented among the women, and our young leader did an exceptional job teaching us and then drawing thoughts from her students. She was a superb listener, incorporating every comment into her instruction.

As I sat with Hebrews on my lap, I sensed the room was full of biblically seasoned women from whom I could learn much. Quite a few of them were widows. We talked of our sure hope in Christ and of him being our anchor during rough times. We paused over the mention of Abraham, whom we see as running ahead of God’s promise, but who God saw as “waiting patiently.” (6:15) What a relief to know God has realistic expectations of us, without judging us as failures.

It was a joy to dig into God’s Word with these women today, and I’m looking forward to next week. Since the last 12 months were chuck-full of travel, maybe the next 12 will be dominated by stay-at-home time…  including time to faithfully attend Bible study.

“All Scripture is inspired by God and is useful to teach us what is true…” (2 Timothy 3:16a)