Hanging On

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Nate wanted to go to Harvard University. He made his decision while still in junior high and worked diligently throughout high school, always reaching for his dream.

As a senior he applied early to Harvard, wanting to be in the first wave of acceptance letters, but had failed to consider one important factor. While he was the managing editor of the school newspaper, he’d written a series of harsh articles about two of the school’s teachers. In his opinion, they were more interested in coaching sports than teaching history, and he expounded on this in the newspaper.

Of course the teachers were insulted and let Nate know it. What he’d forgotten was his need for university recommendations from these same teachers, since he would be a history major. One of them had bluntly told Nate, “I’ll see to it you never get into Harvard.”

That might have been a frustrated high school student’s inflated opinion of the conversation, but the bottom line was a rejection letter from Harvard. Nate’s hopes were dashed, and receiving acceptances from several other excellent universities didn’t ease his pain.

Dotted throughout our 40 years together were a handful of references to the Harvard rejection story and especially the teacher who threatened him. It was difficult for Nate to let go, because of the hateful way this person had acted, although his overblown response to Nate’s articles seemed to actually vindicate what had been written about him.

None of us completely get our way as we go through life. After a crushing disappointment, it’s what we do next that determines whether or not we’ll be able to distance ourselves from the event. We can either mull it over again and again, increasing our resentment, or we can tell God, “You deal with it, because I can’t.”

I don’t think Nate ever experienced complete freedom from the malice of that history teacher. The teacher probably thought very little about Nate after he graduated, but Nate often thought about him. Turning it over to God would have been beneficial.

Last Sunday our pastor quoted Martin Luther who said, “There are only two days on my calendar. Today and that day,” meaning the day we meet our Maker. The hurtful events of yesterday shouldn’t be allowed to bind us today. It’s our choice, though. We can drag all the unfair stuff along with us, risking ruining today, or we can say no to that, with God’s help.

One day, after Nate and I had been married nearly a year, he told me the Harvard rejection story. He’d graduated with a strong GPA from Northwestern University and was about to graduate honorably from the University of Illinois Law School, so the Harvard rejection didn’t matter much to me. But as he talked, I could sense he was still hurting.

But we were newlyweds, and our “today” was lots of fun, so I tried to encourage him back into it. “If you’d gone to Harvard, we wouldn’t have met!”

I watched his pain melt, and he said, “Oh, I would have come back to the Midwest to get you.”

We only have today (which we know), and that day (which we don’t know).

“…of that day and hour no one knows, not even the angels of heaven, nor the Son, but the Father alone.” (Matthew 24:36)

Anointed with Oil

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Having little children in a house puts everyone on red-alert every minute. And when they can be heard playing just out of sight but then grow quiet, adults kick into emergency mode.

Tonight as our eight month old twins were being bathed, two year old Nicholas was happily chattering amongst the toys a short distance from three adults. It hadn’t dawned on us he’d grown quiet until I heard Katy’s voice shouting. “Nicholas! No no no! You can’t have that!”

She flew toward the kitchen to retrieve whatever it was, and I rounded the cabinets in my snow boots, sliding across the floor as if it were a skating pond. As we arrived on the scene, we found Nicholas holding a spray can of cooking oil, pressing the button and christening the entire kitchen. Oil dripped down his forearms and into his sleeves. He’d sprayed out most of a full can.

Katy grabbed it, and Nicholas began rubbing his cheeks with his greasy hands saying, “Cream!” But none of us had told him the can was off limits, so he hadn’t done anything wrong.

She grabbed Nicholas and headed for the bathtub while I dealt with the floor. Jack came around the corner and went sailing on the slippery surface, not once but twice, wondering why his legs no longer worked.

In the end, damages were insignificant, but this is a fitting example of why young mommies and daddies are often worn weary by their job. Parenting is ongoing work that’s open-ended, long-term. The finishing line can’t be seen during the most difficult years, and even at night a break is never guaranteed.

God probably organized parenting in this way to give us a glimpse of our child-to-parent relationship with him. He’s “on our case” continually, just as we are on our children, and has no objections to the task being ongoing, open-ended and long-term. As a matter of fact, he views that as beneficial, since most of us need all the time we can get.

Back in the 1970’s there was a movement in Christian circles: “Please be patient. God isn’t finished with me yet.” I had a button that said, PBP.GIFWMY, and a book came out with that same title. Although the fad passed, the concept is still true. God will never give up on us. When we fail, he doesn’t get frustrated but continues to encourage and nudge us forward.

These divine parenting principles work well in earthly parenting, too. Katy and Hans will never give up on teaching Nicholas, because they know his personal growth is a long-term project. Maturity doesn’t come in a day, and because they love him passionately, they’ll continue to clean up his messes and tell him “no” or “yes” thousands of times over the years.

But Nicholas is secure in their love, and when he had to surrender the spray oil tonight, he did it knowing Katy’s disapproval didn’t mean she loved him any less.

A child senses he is a work in progress, and as God parents us, we should sense it, too.

“Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” (James 1:4)

What a Character

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We see the slogan “Character Counts” on banners across elementary school entrance doors and are taught from young ages that who we are when no one’s watching is the real us.

Tonight six of us began a dinnertime chat that evolved into an hours-long discussion on the character of an individual. Although some people conduct their lives based on principles they refuse to compromise, others live in the wiggle-room between conviction and chaos.

Most of us know that doing the right thing in any given set of circumstances usually means making the hard choice, and that’s especially true when no one’s keeping track. But how many people actually do the right thing every time? Our conclusion was, not many.

What if we define the specific lines we won’t cross no matter what, and then a test comes? How likely is it we’ll stick to our guns? How likely we’ll give in?

Our discussion led us to several conclusions: First, Satan lives by a set of principles, too. The trouble is, his are always at odds with ours, if we’re Christians. The second conclusion: everything that coaxes us to violate our own standards comes from him. And the third: oftentimes we’re unaware of crossing our own lines-in-the-sand until both feet are planted on the wrong side, because of Satan’s subtle ways.

We tell ourselves, “A thought to do something bad is only a temptation, not a sin. I can’t help what pops into my head, and one thought leads to another. Until I’ve acted on it, it can’t be sin.” But that may be stretching the truth.

We came to a fourth conclusion: if Satan presses us hard to violate our principles for living but we prevail and make the hard right choice, he’ll be sure to return later with the same temptation, hoping repeated prodding will weaken our resolve.

Does Scripture teach us how to defend our principles?

First of all, it provides a flawless model in Jesus Christ. When we study his example, we see how to be faithful to right principles. Jesus lived a human life hounded by the devil just as we are, but he never crossed the line into sin. Satan often used the established Jewish hierarchy to harass him in an attempt to break down his resolve.

One day these men approached him. “Teacher,” they said, “we know that you are a man of integrity and that you teach the way of God in accordance with the truth. You aren’t swayed by others, because you pay no attention to who they are.” (Matthew 22:16) Then they went on to try to trap him with words. But in this introductory statement we find two keys to living a principled life: (1) Base it on “the way of God in accordance with the truth,” and (2) don’t be swayed by the opinions of others.

As we work at these two things, we’ll learn to deny our natural me-firsts and substitute the ways of Christ. With enough practice, we’ll stop justifying our sins and find ourselves doing the right thing, even when no one’s watching.

“Whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it.” (Matthew 16:25)