Out from under Regret

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Virtually every widow struggles with regret. She’s haunted by the many ways she could have been a better wife and thinks, “I should have… I wish… If only…”

When I think of my own marriage, one thing Nate modeled exceptionally well was his consistency in thanking me. There were other things in his life he struggled to be grateful for, but I wasn’t one of them. If I filled his drawer with clean underwear, he’d find me and let me know how much he appreciated it. If I brought his dry cleaning home, he’d thank me for taking such good care of him. And though I made simple dinners, he never ate one of them without voicing gratitude.

Some wives might have found this over-the-top, but it always felt good to me. My regret is not having done the same for him. I should have daily thanked him for battling it out at work. I could have mentioned his kindness each time he filled my car with gas or willingly picked up our children at odd hours.

Interestingly, I often had thankful thoughts toward Nate but over and over failed to transform those into audible words. In each case, then, the only one benefitting was me.

All of us can recall situations in which we liked what people did, what they said, or what they looked like, but didn’t deliver the compliment or word of appreciation. We thought it, but didn’t speak it out.

The biblical book of James says our tongues can be used for good or evil, to soothe or irritate. There’s a No Man’s Land in the middle, though, that he doesn’t mention, words in our heads that have the power to bless others but never make it to our tongues.

But we’re not left without instruction on this. God sees our wordless thoughts and says, “I the Lord search the heart and examine the mind, to reward each person according to their conduct, according to what their deeds deserve.” (Jeremiah 17:10)

He’s saying, “I’m looking for those affirmative thoughts you have toward others and will bless you if you voice them. When you speak goodness over someone else, I classify that as a deed worthy of reward. If you hold it in, you not only haven’t blessed others, you’ve also forfeited a blessing for yourself.”

Since I’ve repeatedly fallen short on this, my response to God’s statement is to admit failure and ask for help. Hopefully he’ll pluck thankful words from my brain and set them on my tongue, moving in with his supernatural controls. Because he is able when I am not, I know it can be done.

And while I’m trying to remember to say good things to others, I can practice by verbalizing words of praise to God.

“All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and sea creatures are being tamed and have been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue.” (James 3:7,8)

By my own self!

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When our firstborn was a 20 month old toddler, his favorite sentence was, “By my own self!” That’s not really a sentence, since there’s no subject or verb, but we all knew the subject was “Nelson” and the verb was “do!” He desperately wanted to be independent.

Two weeks ago when I was in England visiting my 3 young grandchildren, the twins evidenced that same indomitable spirit at 22 months saying, “Own! Own! Own!”

I looked at their mommy and said, “What does that mean?”

“They want to do it ‘on their own’,” she said.

If I began peeling an orange for Evelyn, she’d reach for it and shout, “Own! Own!” Or with Thomas, I’d start to set up a train track and he’d say the same. “Own!”

Every child has their uniique way of communicating the same message: “Me have it!” or “I wanna do it!” or just plain “Nooo!”

As soon as children have minimal vocabulary, what they most want to say with it is, “I’m independent!” They’re letting us know they don’t want or need any help.

We laugh at that since most of the things they’re trying to do are beyond their toddler capabilities. But don’t we adults often communicate the very same message to God? We know he wants us to humble ourselves and come to him for help, but first choice is always to do it “by my own self.” When we finally admit we need him, our request still comes out wrong: “Lord, help me to do such and such.”

Instead it ought to be, “Do whatever you want, Lord, and I’ll follow.”

We live in a world that idolizes self-rule, which is one reason why following Jesus is so unpopular.  The backbone of Christianity is complete dependency on God, and the Bible’s steady drumbeat is, “Lose yourself in Christ’s sufficiency, and your life will have purpose.”

Making Christianity even less appealing to the masses, Scripture tells us our present life is only a training ground for life after death. We’re supposed to accept the old adage, “You can’t take it with you,” focusing away from earthly accumulation and toward heavenly treasure.

So how do we squelch the inner voice that begins talking to us at 20 months and never quits? How do we escape the natural human drive toward independence?

The only possible way is to admit that everything we do, have, or are belongs to God. That includes our homes and everything in them, our degrees, careers, accolades, investments, cars, our bodies and facial appearance, our health, our freedoms, even our children and grandchildren. All are God’s.

And once we acknowledge that, the rest comes easy, because if everything belongs to him, it’s only natural to follow his instructions on what to do with it all. As for doing anything “on our own” after that?

Not a chance.

“Anyone who loves their life will lose it, while anyone who hates their life in this world will keep it for eternal life.” (John 12:25)

Do I understand?

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These days when Jack and I walk the woodsy streets of our neighborhood, many of the trees are marked with hieroglyphics in red paint. Not every tree. Just some, both mature ones and saplings. One tree might have a dot on it, the next a line. Several have X’s, and a few are double-X-ed. Hundreds of different trunks are marked.

Trying to figure it out was impossible, and the marks seemed random… until I got an email from our home association with the explanation. Apparently our trees are threatening the power lines strung among them, and the red marks constitute detailed instructions to tree trimmers. Arborists will take careful note of each symbol before revving up their chain saws, because without obeying the marks, trimming wouldn’t accomplish the goal of the electric company, which is to clear its lines.

Life is full of important symbols, many of which can be understood without language, just like the tree markings. Take road signs, for example. In foreign countries if we understand the universal traffic symbols, we can still read the signs without having to know the language.

But what about signs and symbols we can’t understand?

Scripture is full of them, each one important. Jesus regularly spoke to his listeners through stories in which he wanted his facts to represent something else, demonstrating through symbolism how we should live. Once in a while he’d offer a direct explanation, but mostly he wouldn’t. So as we read Scripture today, what should we do if we can’t understand? What do we do with our resulting confusion?

There are two types of confusion referenced in the Bible: (1) the kind God superimposed on his enemies as a weapon, and (2) the innocent kind we might feel while trying to understand his Word. Although throwing his enemies into confusion was a tactical measure he often used, he has a different approach toward those who love him (like us) who become easily confused. In those cases, he wants to dispel confusion and increase our understanding.

God frequently reminds us that those who earnestly desire to comprehend the great truths of Scripture will be satisfied, though that doesn’t mean we’ll get answers to all our questions when we want them. What it does mean is that we’ll steadily increase in our understanding of him, which then will deeply satisfy us as we wait for explanations of what puzzles us spiritually. He wants us to know that the answers to all our problems are personified in him.

Getting closer in a relationship to Christ is the only sure route, then, to dispelling confusion over the perplexing symbolism of the Bible. Full understanding will only come when we meet him in eternal life.

And getting back to those marked trees in our forests, God didn’t need to read painted symbols to let him know which trees needed trimming. He knew all about it before the spray-painting arborists ever arrived.

“To the person who pleases him, God gives wisdom, knowledge and happiness.” (Ecclesiastes 2:26a)