Monthly Archives: May 2012

Pink or Blue?

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Tonight I attended a party that will always rank in my top 10. It was small (only 4½ guests) but extraordinary. The younger generation would call it a “Gender Reveal,” but the rest of us would just say, “We learned the sex of the baby!”

Since Birgitta’s last doctor appointment 3 weeks ago, we’d been eagerly looking toward today’s ultrasound. They said we’d discover if the baby was a girl or boy, and Birgitta was bursting with anticipation. By the time she was on the table, we were all giggling with expectation.

Louisa had driven from Chicago to get in on the fun and had told us about Gender Reveals. Birgitta said, “Why don’t we have one! It’ll make a great story for the baby some day.” And so the Reveal was scheduled for after dinner.

We planned to ask the ultrasound tech to keep the baby’s gender a secret from the girls, but to let me know. Then, after the appointment, I’d bake a batch of cookies, decorating half with blue sprinkles, half with pink. After dinner I’d hand Birgitta a cookie with the baby’s correct color on it, thereby revealing the gender.

During the hour-long ultrasound we were reminded of the medical purpose for the test: to check each organ, measure bones, confirm the due date, and amass baby-data for Birgitta’s doctor. Learning the sex would come last, if at all.

With strained patience we all studied the fuzzy black and white computer screen, squinting in an effort to make sense of the tech’s comments. “See that dark spot? A kidney. And that bright one? The knee cap.” Complicating the process was a busy Baby Nyman, all four limbs continually in motion.

We ooohed and aaahed over glimpses of a hand, a button-nose, a rib cage. When a tiny foot came into view, the tech said, “See those five toes?” We did, asking how big they were. “Well,” she said while measuring, “the entire foot is one inch, so you can imagine the toes!”

When reveal-time came, the girls turned from the screen, and I leaned in close. But baby kept us guessing. “The legs are tight together,” she said, bobbing her scanner up and down on Birgitta’s tummy. “C’mon, little one. Let us see!”

Ten minutes of persistence paid off, and when she said, “There!” I couldn’t tell what I was looking at. “I’ll show you,” she said, and with her keyboard she spelled out the sex on her screen. I was ready to squeal, learning the baby was the gender Birgitta was hoping for, but managed to quietly say, “OK, I’ve got it,” and the image was quickly erased.

At home the girls poured over name books while I decorated cookies, and by dinnertime when Mary arrived, I’d managed to hold the secret without giving any clues. Finally the time came to give Birgitta her special cookie. I’d plucked one from the bunch and wrapped it in tin foil for this important moment. Handing it to her you’d think we were about to announce the winner of a Nobel Prize.

When she peeled off the foil, she screamed with delight, putting both hands to her face in shock. The sugar was pink! And she was carrying the little girl she’d hoped to have.

Thank you, Lord, for this child of blessing. Although Birgitta is carrying her, she’s really all yours.

“The desire accomplished is sweet to the soul.” (Proverbs 13:19)

Willingly Wooed? (…from yesterday)

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God’s Word is detailed and practical. Whatever the question, he has the answer. In my consideration of whether or not to marry again some day, Scripture offered clear counsel. I learned that widows are free to choose another husband, but before they do, the Lord wants them to know the happier choice would be to remain single.

In my few years of widowhood, I’ve missed being married. But Nate and I grew up together as many married couples do, and our couple-history, if written down, would fill many volumes. A second husband’s history would fill a different set of books. Although second spouses could work at telling each other about first ones, most of that history would remain unshared and unappreciated. Of course a new couple-story would start when a new marriage began, but the inside jokes and warm remembrances of years gone by would be absent.

The greater problem, though, would be the grown children. Scripture is clear that a husband should trump children in the heart of a wife. Since Nate’s been gone, the fellowship of my adult children and children-in-law has been sweeter and richer than ever, with the grandchildren being an extension of that.

Remarriage sounds like squeezing a new husband into the existing picture rather than putting him on top of the heap. And of course the same squeeze would have to happen on his side. Maybe the biblical Paul, though unmarried himself, could see the sticky situations that would follow remarriage, so he counseled against it.

We all know couples who’ve remarried after widowhood. The relationships that work best are those that grew out of friendships established well before the deaths, four adults who knew each other and raised their children together, who all had relationships beforehand.

So what happens to those of us who take the biblical advice and remain single? Scripture gives an excellent example of a widow-champion. Anna (of Luke 2) had a husband who died after only 7 years of marriage. If she married around 15, common in that day, she was a widow for 62 years, since Scripture says she was 84 when she “met” the newborn Jesus.

Anna was spiritually favored, having been given the role of a prophetess. That meant she was a go-between linking God to the Jews. She made sure Jehovah was #1 in her life, even to the point of living in the temple full time. She is a good model for all of us widows, and we can lead fulfilling lives if we, too, devote ourselves to whatever God has planned for us.

She showed us how to count on the Lord to be all the Man any of us would ever need.

“A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord. In my judgment, she is happier if she stays as she is.” (1 Corinthians 7:39-40)

Wooing a Widow

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The young generation may not know it, but the word “woo” was not originally the first half of “Woo-hoo!” It was a verb having to do with a man romancing a woman. To “woo” someone meant to seek her favor, especially with an eye toward marriage. What followed successful wooing, then, was “courting,” a dating relationship of exclusivity that came before a proposal.

At the other end of a marriage, after a husband has died, his widow technically becomes “woo-able” again. Though she’s been married for most of her adult life, as a widow she has to makes friends with singleness again. Regaining independence is something she didn’t want, and adjusting to it is a job she has to work hard to accomplish. But as hard as it is to admit, she’s unattached and (gulp) available. Please humor me in this post as I try to puzzle out what all this means.

Since becoming a widow 2½ years ago, I’ve quietly been taking a poll of other women made single through widowhood. What are they thinking about their solo status? How long have they been alone? Have they considered remarriage? If not, why not? If so, how does that work?

I’ve become acquainted with scores of widows through this blog and have heard from women who’ve been on their own for a decade, maybe two or even three. What I’ve found in my private poll is that very few are willing to embark on a second marriage. The reasons vary, but the one I hear most is, “It’s too complicated.” Blending two families that may include children, in-law children, and grandchildren is, to most widows, a mountain they’re not willing to climb.

God’s Word tells us it’s not good for man to live alone (Genesis 2:18), but it doesn’t say the same about women. Maybe that’s because women are natural groupers. When widowhood hits, a circle of support is already in place. Widowers, on the other hand, seem to draw into themselves. Statistics show that after a mate dies, men seek to woo and win a lady far more often than widows accept being wooed.

All of us widows wonder how many years we’ll end up being single. I’m 66, and if I live as long as both of my parents, I could be widowed for 26 years. I don’t like the sound of that, but remarrying doesn’t sound right either. So I decided to just ask God what to do.

As he often does, he gave me his answer through Scripture. In the New Testament Paul gives remarriage counsel to two groups of widows, the younger ones (1 Timothy) and the older (1 Corinthians). His bottom line for me is, “Don’t do it.”

(To be continued…)

“To…  the widows, I say that it is good for them to remain single as I [Paul] am.” (1 Corinthians 7:8)