Category Archives: Parenting

A Worthwhile Quest?

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Our little Emerald just turned 3 months old, and like most babies, she’s sometimes frustrated by the short list of physical skills she possesses. Although she’s an easy baby, lately she’s demonstrated an eagerness to move on to the next thing.

Trying to sit, at 3 months

When she’s put down for a diaper change, she wriggles her limbs, coaxing them to get stronger. As she rests in the vibrating infant seat, she strains to raise her head in an effort to get upright. When we stand her up in our laps, her shaky legs do their best to stay straight. And she can’t wait to sit on her own.

That’s how it is with us humans, even with mini-humans. We seem always to be questing after what’s coming next. For children, that’s physical gains. For adults, it’s in the world of business, academia, parenting, or any other endeavor-of-the-moment.

Pursuing excellence with eagerness is a good thing, unless of course we’re doing it with improper motives, such as racing to outdo someone else or chasing success for money. And what if we’re running after that next thing just to get away from what we’re doing now? We have to be careful in thinking about our what’s-next. God asks us to seek balance, living somewhere between questing and contentment.

As a young mom I used to long for my baby’s next developmental stage. “Once he can sit up, he’ll be much happier. When she can finally crawl, she won’t be so fussy. After he learns to walk, he’ll have something to do.” I was doing too much questing at the cost of appreciating the here-and-now. The problem is, when we’re constantly reaching for the future, we’ve already checked out of the present. And right along with that, we’re tempted to believe the lie that everything is always better, just ahead of where we are.

Of course we should make sensible plans for tomorrow, but never at the expense of today. We’ve all heard the expression, “The best laid plans of mice and men often go astray.” That quote, buried in a 1785 poem by Robert Burns, was written after he plowed through a nest of mice and was bothered by the unwitting destruction he caused this “family.”

His actual quote was: “The best laid schemes of mice and men go often awry, and leave us nothing but grief and pain, for promised joy!” None of us know when our preparations and expected joy will be plowed through by unexpected happenstance, which is a biblical principle. And when we decide not to jump ahead of ourselves (or God), we’re released from the worry that usually accompanies over-planning.

Stop and Go

But when God gives the green light, that’s when we go with gusto. As for little Emerald, judging by the way she’s gusto-ing toward each next physical milestone, I’d say she’s already been given the green.

“Don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.” (Matthew 6:34)

Mountains from Molehills

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Emerald has been a by-the-book baby. At 2½ months, she has smiled through all manner of schedules and a wide variety of loud commotion. Always even-tempered, she’s amazed us with her calm demeanor through restaurant meals, shopping trips, and doctor’s appointments. And she’s been endlessly patient with lots of cousin-cuddles, kisses, and head-pats.

Tonight, however, her sunny disposition disappeared, and nothing satisfied her. Birgitta and I took turns trying to quiet her in what seemed like an interminable effort to get her to sleep, though in reality it lasted only 2 hours.

Birgitta had gone through Emerald’s regular bath and bedtime routine, after which she’d fallen asleep and been put into her bassinet as usual. This child has slept beautifully through-the-night 3 times in the past week alone, once for a 10½ stretch.

Wailing Emerald

So it surprised us when she began fidgeting in her bed immediately, eventually bringing herself up to a full roar. Birgitta picked her up and tried each of the usual soothers: pacing, bouncing on the exercise ball, rocking, patting, and shush-shush-shushing. Nothing worked.

I tried too, but Emerald refused to be calmed, stiffening her legs and flailing her arms while continuing with earsplitting screams. My theory was that whatever had first bothered her (a burp, an intestinal bubble, a sudden noise) was long gone, and she kept hollering just because she had started and couldn’t stop.

Although adults don’t usually open their mouths and yell full-power like babies do, we sometimes wish we could. We object to something undesirable as loud as we dare, and when the facts don’t quickly change, we get carried away with our responses.

But just like Emerald no longer remembered why she was crying, we can work ourselves into the same kind of frenzy for no good reason too, making a mountain out of a molehill.

It isn’t that God doesn’t want us to cry. I can think of 3 good reasons when he does:

  • when we’re mourning over our own sin
  • when we’re sharing in another person’s sorrow
  • when we’re calling out to him from a place of deep deficiency

In these instances our sobbing has positive purposes, which causes the Lord to rush in and minister to the need at hand.

Asleep at last...

Tonight Birgitta and I came to Emerald’s aid, despite believing she had no good reason to scream. But she’s just a baby, so we gave her the benefit of the doubt. Eventually she wore herself out and fell asleep by default.

We’re still puzzled over why she cried so hard for so long, but thankfully God is never puzzled over our crying, always knowing which good reason is behind it.

And in his great love for us, he’s often willing to comfort us even when we’re crying hard for no good reason at all.

“Let all who seek God’s help be encouraged. For the Lord hears the cries of the needy.” (Psalm 69:32-33)

Fines Appropriate to the Crimes

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Yesterday we were reminded of how God views whining, complaining, and murmuring: all negative. Each of us has had experience with whiners, whether it’s our children, their friends, our friends, or ourselves. Though we discipline youngsters for incessant whining, we rarely abstain ourselves. After all, everybody has a right to vent, don’t they?

God says, “No.”

Sadly, his standard is the opposite of our natural inclinations. To comply with biblical instructions, we have to make a deliberate effort to stop old habits and think in new ways. Just like breaking any bad habit, the tools we need to succeed are fortitude and optimism.

But if that sounds too hard, we do have another choice: to willfully continue whining and complaining, knowing God will discipline us for it. It’s a sure thing he won’t ignore something he knows is bad for us, something that goes contrary to his wisdom. I can almost hear him say, “It’s for your own good, my child,” as he brings down his heavy hand. But if that doesn’t sound appealing, there’s still one other option.

When Nate and I were raising our 7 children, we were no strangers to murmuring, particularly at the dinner table.

  • From a 4 year old: “Why do you make us eat peas? I hate ’em.”
  • From a 9 year old: “Why can’t we eat with the TV on like normal families do?”
  • From a 13 year old: “Why can’t I eat in my room like my friends do?”
  • From a 16 year old: “Why do you torture us with family dinners?”

Nate used to say, “For the most part, we don’t drink alcohol, but somehow we end up with whine at every meal.”

Tired of hearing it, he finally came up with something he called the “Complainer Can.” He composed a short explanation and taped it to the outside of an empty hot chocolate container:

  • If you gripe and yell when there isn’t any, you owe me a penny.
  • If you scream and whine and further repine, you owe me a dime.
  • But if you yip and holler, put in a dollar!

Since the children received allowances (1/4th of their age), he knew they “had money” and insisted they pay fines appropriate to their crimes. This helped our dinnertime atmosphere for quite some time, since the kids spent less time complaining and more time trying to catch someone else whining so they’d have to pay a price for it. Of course inflation would have upped those fines quite a bit by now: a penny would be a dollar, a dime would be ten, and a dollar, $100.

So, there are 3 ways to handle whining: self-discipline, no self-discipline, and monetary discipline. The first one starts with difficulty but ends well. The second starts effortlessly but ends in stress.  And the last?  Maybe  if we put those inflated fines into the weekly offering basket instead of The Complainer Can, it would be the most effective approach of all.

“Set an example for the believers… in speech.” (1 Timothy 4:12)