Category Archives: Marriage

Back to the Hospital

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Today I met with one of my friends in the Chicago area, Dr. Ross Abrams. Although Nate has been gone nearly eight months, my occasional conversations with his doctor have continued to be a blessing to me.

Dr. Abrams is a very busy guy, the number one man in radiation oncology at Rush University Medical Center, yet he graciously gave me a chunk of his day in an unhurried manner. This was a valuable gift.

We talked about how Nate fought with cancer but not against it, how he accepted his terminal diagnosis with remarkable calm. Dr. Abrams has watched every one of his pancreatic cancer patients die of this fatal disease, noting how some accept their “fate” early-on while others never do. We wondered aloud what happens within a person to make them ready to die, to be so sure of it they confidently refuse further treatment. He’s observed that a personal faith in God is usually present when someone peacefully accepts death’s imminence, saying, “I believe Nate was a man of strong faith.”

We also talked about our marriages and their great worth, mentioning the importance of this institution. We agreed that one of the keys to a long marriage is to determine up front that neither will look for an escape hatch when rough patches come but will work to resolve the problem. Sweet rewards await those who remain committed.

As Dr. Abrams put it, “Once we make any commitment, obligations quickly follow, but we learn there is great satisfaction in fulfilling our obligations to each other.” Amen to that.

He asked about our children, wondering how they were coping with losing their father, which led to a discussion of the differences between suffering and sadness. We decided suffering involved coping with continual pain or damage, enduring ongoing loss. Sadness, although just as real, is more about mood and is prone to improvement as emotional healing takes place. Dr. Abrams is an expert on both, having witnessed much of it in his patients and their families.

We talked of our grandchildren, his seven and my five, acknowledging the pleasure of this season, and he showed me a new family photo in which all 17 wore black and white. I called it “a treasure” because they were all there with no one missing. The last Nyman family photo didn’t include Micah, Thomas or Evelyn, yet unborn. Our next picture will include them but not Nate. Dr. Abrams nodded knowingly.

We continued our conversation, talking about trusting a God who sees our lives from beginning to end, all at once, desiring to bring good to each person. Because we as humans see only the past and the present, it’s difficult to trust there will be good in the future when “bad” (as in cancer) dominates the now. Dr. Abrams referenced an Old Testament verse and I quoted from the New Testament, but we agreed that this one God has said the same thing to both of us.

When it was time for the doctor to move back into his medical day, we left the office with a handshake and a promise to share another conversation down the road. Here’s a quote from the blog post he wrote for this site on April 19, 2010: “My internal definition of ‘being a doctor’ require(s) being regularly involved in caring for other human beings” (as opposed to lab work).

Today I was the recipient of some of that care and as a result have moved forward one more step in the healing process. Thank you, Dr. Abrams.

“Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you.” (James 1:27)

Pattern for Life

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Today as I was changing the bed sheets, I decided to put Nate’s favorites on. They’re full of thin stripes in blues and greens, resembling a king size bar code. I like them, too, because there’s no doubt of which fitted corner goes where. Since king size mattresses are close-to-square, it’s a mental exercise to get it right… unless the sheets are striped. Then it’s easy.

I think Nate liked these sheets because stripes represented order. He liked things to be controlled and if possible, tidy, which was a problem with an often-chaotic life. Being the father of seven brings turbulence as well as blessings, and financial ups and downs compound the turmoil. At the end of a day filled with commotion when Nate turned down the bed and was greeted with his favorite striped sheets, it did something special for him. He never failed to comment: “Oh, I like these sheets,” as if they were brand new.

I guess I could have blessed him with nothing but striped sheets, had I taken time to listen to the longing behind his comments. If I’d known how soon he would be leaving this world, I’d have done it for sure.

Today as I unfurled the sheets, it occurred to me stripes had popped up in other categories of Nate’s life, too. His favorite suits were pin-striped, and the ties he wore most often included diagonal lines. His shirts also followed the pattern, with the exception of the plain white ones he felt obligated to wear in court. If given a choice, stripes or checks were what he bought. Not sometimes, but always.

I hadn’t thought about this phenomenon until today. Disorder was hard on Nate, and he worked at keeping his life prepared and well organized. Even at restaurants, as we awaited our meals, he’d unconsciously straighten his silverware and line up his glass and cup to make his area “square with the world.” Without realizing it, the rest of us often worked against his efforts with our free-wheeling ways.

Reality doesn’t usually look like a bar code or even a checkered shirt. A better description of most lives is “askew”. Emergencies throw our schedules overboard, and conversations don’t always turn out like we expect. Frequently events overlap, forcing us to arrive late, prepare inadequately or flip-flop priorities. Over-commitment often stretches people like gum under a shoe. After a day filled with that kind of disorder, striped bed sheets give a reason to heave a big sigh and climb in, hoping for a better tomorrow.

Sometimes I think of Nate’s longing for his life to be neat and orderly and I’m flooded with thankfulness for where he is today. Either his wish has come true, or he’s changed into someone who can live with carefree abandon as he discovers joy upon joy in heaven. Either alternative is fabulous.

One thing is certain. Because there’s no night there, he’ll never need bed sheets… striped or otherwise.

“There will be no more night. They will not need the light of a lamp or the light of the sun, for the Lord God will give them light.” (Revelation 22:5)

Silence isn’t always golden.

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A while ago, when my two praying “girlfriends” visited, we went out to lunch at a local eatery. Because the weather was spectacular, we ate outdoors and enjoyed happy conversation that didn’t leave one moment of dead air. But ten days later, I’m still thinking about a disturbing scene near our table that day.

In my line of vision at the next table, just behind my friend, sat a well-dressed married couple. Each time I looked at my friend, I could see this couple and began noticing what a good time they were not having. Once their orders were given, not another word passed between them. They sat in silence waiting for their food and looked at other people coming and going but never at each other. It was so troubling I mentioned it to my friends. This couple looked miserable.

I’m sure these two middle-aged people had a long history together and had made many memories over the years. Surely they hadn’t always acted so cold toward each other. Yet there they sat, unable (or unwilling) to say one word. I wanted to walk over and say, “I’m a new widow. I’d give anything to sit with my husband at a table on this patio just one more time. Please do something to shake up your relationship before it’s too late!”

What if someone told this husband and wife that the next week one of them would die. There’s no question they’d have been in deep, meaningful conversation at that table rather than suffering in stony silence. It struck me as such a waste.

Neither seemed to be angry with the other, just neutral. When their lunches arrived, they ate in complete quietness, not even making an effort to ask if the other’s tasted good.

I felt a deep sadness for this couple and still do. Of course I had no idea what might have been weighing them down. Maybe each was lost in thought about serious matters too painful to discuss. Maybe pressure was mounting in a certain life category. Maybe their marriage had just become boring and stale. Whatever it was, if the situation didn’t change, they were headed no place good.

I think of the biblical standard for marriage. Mom summed it up well with one of her favorite quotes: “Marriage doubles your joy and cuts your sorrow in half.” Of course every marriage falls short of that now and then. As a matter of fact, to make any marriage good, both partners must deliberately give in to the other. That frigid lunch table could have warmed up a great deal with a simple, “Penny for your thoughts?” asked by either one.

Even though this couple had arrived well after we did, they ate quickly and left ahead of us. The husband helped his wife pull out her chair, but she never looked at him or said thank you. He opened the door for her as they turned to walk through the restaurant and out, but neither said a word. They must have planned ahead of time to eat out that day, and they chose a very nice restaurant. But had their lunch event met their expectations? Had it been worth it? Or had it been damaging?

“Each one of you must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” (Ephesians 5:33)