Category Archives: Marriage

The Best Kind of Love

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Yesterday at Walmart I was drawn to the glitter and glitz of a Valentine card display. Fantasizing about which one I might have chosen for Nate, I picked up several that said, “For my husband.” Although he didn’t particularly relate to the preprinted messages in greeting cards, he loved the words I wrote at the end and saved every one. Some he took to the office and taped to his door.

As I smiled remembering his unabashed devotion, my attention was drawn to a couple at the other end of the card rack. They had ten years on me and were nothing special to look at with his high-water pants and her 1970’s “Stretch ‘n Sew” slacks. What made me notice them, however, was their behavior toward each other. For a couple in their seventies, probably married 50 years, it was exceptional.

While I pretended to look at the cards, the two of them gradually made their way down the row, taking samples out of the rack, reading them, putting them back. She’d say, “Oh honey, look at this one. Would that be good for Sara? It’s funny.”

He’d read it and chuckle. “You’re right. That’s funny! Let’s look some more.” 

As they moved closer to me, I could hear they were hunting for grandchildren-Valentines, searching for the perfect message in each one. Most impressive, though, was the good time they were having with each other.

“Aw, look at this one. It’s so sweet, just like Anna.” The wife would agree, yet they’d keep hunting, savoring their task.

“How ‘bout this, dear? Eight cards for $4! Should we get that instead?” he’d say.

“Maybe we should buy one expensive card for each family and include the kids in those. What do you think?”

“They’d think we took the easy way out,” and he’d laugh.

These two captivated me, and I watched until my periphery vision got sore. God meant marriage to be just like them, give-and-take interest in each other’s opinion. Whether choosing a greeting card or buying a home, their M.O. would work well.

I once heard Howard Dayton, head of a financial ministry, tell the story of how listening to his wife’s point if view on an investment saved him tens of thousands of dollars. He urged husbands to seek their spouse’s opinions on money matters, even if their women had no investment savvy.

James Dobson, head of a ministry to families, agreed, counseling wives to consider their husband’s ideas whether or not it made sense at the time, because God uses husbands to funnel wisdom to wives.

Despite my not having a husband anymore, watching this older couple was delightful. They modeled exactly what the experts described. But from my vantage point, having lost my partner, I wondered how they’ll handle the grief that one day will come to one or the other when death arrives. Shared shopping trips will end, along with every other togetherness-event.

But that’s the cost of a good marriage… and it’s worth every emotional cent.

“People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” (1 Samuel 16:7)

Remembering Our Anniversary

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Although Nate and I would have been married 41 years today, I’ve decided to officially stop counting. He isn’t here, and our real number froze just short of 40. Although I enjoyed paging through our wedding photo album today, I’m wearing his wedding band on a chain around my neck, a reminder of his absence. Even so, it wasn’t a difficult day.

To the contrary, it was a day of boundless energy like I haven’t experienced in months. The hours ran out long before my pep, and a lengthy list of chores-in-waiting got done: organizing the basement, doing laundry, baking, washing windows, cleaning house, taking down the screens, writing letters, pruning the house plants and paying the bills. A year ago I would have looked at that list and set it aside with a deep sigh, unable to even get started. And because of the difference between then and now, I know my heart is healing.

One of the reasons for this measurable progress is, I believe, the kindness of friends. Today’s mail had a handful of greeting cards and letters in it, written with love as others remembered our anniversary. Most of them promised prayer for me today. Such thoughtfulness moves me deeply and is probably the reason everything turned out well.

During a call from Linnea this morning, we chatted about wedding anniversaries. The date is important to only two people, unlike birthdays, graduations or promotions. An anniversary is a party-for-two, a small event with great significance. But because Nate is gone, my annual celebration has to stop.

Yesterday I pointed out to Birgitta where her father and I spent our short but delightful honeymoon: at the Drake Hotel in downtown Chicago. Nate was in law school, and I was teaching. Four days was all the time-off we could get, and we made the most of it. Happy honeymoon memories flooded my mind today, and I even caught myself humming.

No marriage is without its rough places, though, and we had our share. The fact that we made it 40 years is a testimony to God’s involvement in the relationship. After all, marriage was his idea, and as a bride and groom recite their vows, he’s there, too. Because he wants couples to succeed, he’s available for counsel and encouragement all along the way and doesn’t have to be asked twice. Nate and I called out for rescue several times in our years together, and God always restored our relationship.

Interestingly, a marriage often becomes stronger after surviving a period of struggle. It’s as if the marriage muscle gets built up through the exercise of hanging-on-no-matter-what. None of us can predict what life will throw at our marriages, but one thing is sure: God is rooting for us through all of it. He’s the third member of every union, and if we invite him to the anniversary celebration, he’ll always be willing to change that party-for-two to a party-for-three.

“A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.” (Ecclesiastes 4:12)

Pleasure Reading

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Nate was an intellectual, and I used to wonder if my goofy questions were too foolish to ask, not wanting him to think he married a dummy. My mind was like a wind-tunnel, whoosh-in-whoosh-out. Nate’s was like a funnel; information poured into him and stayed there. His favorite leisure activity was reading, especially newspapers, and wherever he sat, a pile of printed material would accumulate. Once it was in his head, he didn’t need the hard copy.

I well remember the day I was planning to ask Nate to read a certain book I’d found helpful, so we could discuss it together. It was about making a good marriage better, and I knew it wasn’t his preferred genre. But I had an idea. First I’d ask him if there was anything he’d like me to read. Then I’d ask if he’d be willing to read something of mine.

When I asked what he’d like me to read he answered, “A daily newspaper… daily.” And surprise-surprise, that wasn’t my preferred genre. Nate loved to discuss current events, and my end was usually no more than a battery of questions. I knew he wished I’d be better informed.

He then said, “And what am I supposed to read?” and I handed him the marriage book. He looked it over and said, “Sure. I’ll take a look at it.”

The next morning, after he’d read the first newspaper of his daily four or five and had left for work, I spread out Section 1 on the kitchen counter and began to read. In the next few weeks I gleaned enough from 10 daily minutes with the newspaper to handle dinner conversations, and he perused the marriage book enough to talk about it. Eventually, however, we fell back into our old preferences.

Interestingly, though, Nate wanted to keep it going. He began marking newspaper pages with ballpoint pen, drawing arrows at articles here and there he thought I’d like to read. Sometimes he’d scribble comments in the margins.

Gradually I applied his condensed method to the books I wished he’d read. I’d Xerox a couple of pages, write a note at the top and set them next to his newspapers. He always read them, sometimes adding his own comments next to mine and handing them back. Our “distilled” system worked well throughout the years, and we were still using it until the cancer took away his ability to read.

Sometimes I think of God as the #1 intellectual of all time. He’s fully informed about every newspaper subject, having actually orchestrated the details behind the world events reported in the articles. Yet he’s also interested in close-to-home topics like good marriages getting better.

He uses creative ways to point his arrows toward the parts of his Word we need to read, and his comments are written all over it. Best of all, though, he’s eager to participate in the conversation. And when we call on him, he answers with, “Count me in.”

“Moses and Aaron were among his priests, and Samuel was among those who called on his name. They called upon the Lord and he answered them.” (Psalm 99:6)