Category Archives: Marriage

Willingly Wooed? (…from yesterday)

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God’s Word is detailed and practical. Whatever the question, he has the answer. In my consideration of whether or not to marry again some day, Scripture offered clear counsel. I learned that widows are free to choose another husband, but before they do, the Lord wants them to know the happier choice would be to remain single.

In my few years of widowhood, I’ve missed being married. But Nate and I grew up together as many married couples do, and our couple-history, if written down, would fill many volumes. A second husband’s history would fill a different set of books. Although second spouses could work at telling each other about first ones, most of that history would remain unshared and unappreciated. Of course a new couple-story would start when a new marriage began, but the inside jokes and warm remembrances of years gone by would be absent.

The greater problem, though, would be the grown children. Scripture is clear that a husband should trump children in the heart of a wife. Since Nate’s been gone, the fellowship of my adult children and children-in-law has been sweeter and richer than ever, with the grandchildren being an extension of that.

Remarriage sounds like squeezing a new husband into the existing picture rather than putting him on top of the heap. And of course the same squeeze would have to happen on his side. Maybe the biblical Paul, though unmarried himself, could see the sticky situations that would follow remarriage, so he counseled against it.

We all know couples who’ve remarried after widowhood. The relationships that work best are those that grew out of friendships established well before the deaths, four adults who knew each other and raised their children together, who all had relationships beforehand.

So what happens to those of us who take the biblical advice and remain single? Scripture gives an excellent example of a widow-champion. Anna (of Luke 2) had a husband who died after only 7 years of marriage. If she married around 15, common in that day, she was a widow for 62 years, since Scripture says she was 84 when she “met” the newborn Jesus.

Anna was spiritually favored, having been given the role of a prophetess. That meant she was a go-between linking God to the Jews. She made sure Jehovah was #1 in her life, even to the point of living in the temple full time. She is a good model for all of us widows, and we can lead fulfilling lives if we, too, devote ourselves to whatever God has planned for us.

She showed us how to count on the Lord to be all the Man any of us would ever need.

“A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord. In my judgment, she is happier if she stays as she is.” (1 Corinthians 7:39-40)

Wooing a Widow

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The young generation may not know it, but the word “woo” was not originally the first half of “Woo-hoo!” It was a verb having to do with a man romancing a woman. To “woo” someone meant to seek her favor, especially with an eye toward marriage. What followed successful wooing, then, was “courting,” a dating relationship of exclusivity that came before a proposal.

At the other end of a marriage, after a husband has died, his widow technically becomes “woo-able” again. Though she’s been married for most of her adult life, as a widow she has to makes friends with singleness again. Regaining independence is something she didn’t want, and adjusting to it is a job she has to work hard to accomplish. But as hard as it is to admit, she’s unattached and (gulp) available. Please humor me in this post as I try to puzzle out what all this means.

Since becoming a widow 2½ years ago, I’ve quietly been taking a poll of other women made single through widowhood. What are they thinking about their solo status? How long have they been alone? Have they considered remarriage? If not, why not? If so, how does that work?

I’ve become acquainted with scores of widows through this blog and have heard from women who’ve been on their own for a decade, maybe two or even three. What I’ve found in my private poll is that very few are willing to embark on a second marriage. The reasons vary, but the one I hear most is, “It’s too complicated.” Blending two families that may include children, in-law children, and grandchildren is, to most widows, a mountain they’re not willing to climb.

God’s Word tells us it’s not good for man to live alone (Genesis 2:18), but it doesn’t say the same about women. Maybe that’s because women are natural groupers. When widowhood hits, a circle of support is already in place. Widowers, on the other hand, seem to draw into themselves. Statistics show that after a mate dies, men seek to woo and win a lady far more often than widows accept being wooed.

All of us widows wonder how many years we’ll end up being single. I’m 66, and if I live as long as both of my parents, I could be widowed for 26 years. I don’t like the sound of that, but remarrying doesn’t sound right either. So I decided to just ask God what to do.

As he often does, he gave me his answer through Scripture. In the New Testament Paul gives remarriage counsel to two groups of widows, the younger ones (1 Timothy) and the older (1 Corinthians). His bottom line for me is, “Don’t do it.”

(To be continued…)

“To…  the widows, I say that it is good for them to remain single as I [Paul] am.” (1 Corinthians 7:8)

Be prepared.

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I loved being a Girl Scout. Our motto was: “Be prepared.” This meant we were always to be mentally and bodily ready to face difficulties or even danger by knowing what to do and when to do it.

In an effort to get properly prepared, our leaders encouraged us to earn badges to prove how prepared we actually were. They taught us to make a fire, understand food nutrition, know about leadership, learn water safety, and much more.

As we earned our badges, we accumulated knowledge, and in order to apply it, our leaders role-played with us, testing our responses to different hypotheticals. They figured if we practiced enough, when a moment of need arose, we’d automatically jump in to help in appropriate ways.

Role-playing is a practical way to learn, and most of us do it eagerly. For example, before a couple gets married, they often attend counseling together. The pastor or teacher describes marriage moments they’re bound to encounter and asks how each would respond. The resulting discussions point out potential problems.

Nate and I did plenty of role-playing as we prepared for marriage: “What if we don’t have children? What if we do? If we move away from family, how will we handle that?” We worked to trouble-shoot, hoping we wouldn’t have too many bumps in the adjustment road, once we were married. It was all part of getting prepared.

At the other end of our marriage, as empty nesters heading toward retirement, we role-played once again: “When is it best to retire? Then what? And should we move? If so, what’ll happen when our children and grandchildren visit? And will our money last through old age? Should we travel before we get too old?” We wanted to be prepared.

The thing we didn’t role-play was an “early” death for one of us. “What will your/my life look like, if you/I should die? How can we prepare for that?” Other than life insurance, we hadn’t even discussed it.

Subsequently, when we learned of Nate’s cancer, we huffed and puffed trying to prepare, but death caught up to us before we were ready. When it was all over and I was alone, I stood in my living room on a wintry night and thought, “Now what? I’m completely unprepared for this.”

But God, who’s always ready for everything, had a good answer. “Since you couldn’t prepare for what was coming next, I did it for you.”

And here’s what he’d prepared:

  1. my grieving process
  2. this blog to tend
  3. a book to write
  4. Birgitta and her baby to help

In hindsight I can see he had me ready, so I’m not going to worry about what numbers 5 or 6 will be. And if I’ve learned anything in the last few years, it’s that living within God’s preparedness is a better place to be than role-playing the unknown, all by myself.

 “I cry out to God Most High, to God who will fulfill his purpose for me.” (Psalm 57:2)