Category Archives: Friendship

Leaning into Fantasy

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A dear friend from our old Illinois neighborhood called and left a message the other day. “I have some news for you.”

Our old house

Nate and I moved from there 4 years ago this month, selling our home after having had it on the market for over 4 years. But it took us about that long to get used to the idea of moving anyway. After living there nearly 30 years, it was tough to leave, but we loved the much-smaller cottage we were moving to in Michigan, a beach community that had been our family’s gathering place for 3 generations.

When I re-called my neighbor she said, “Would you like to move back to the neighborhood? Your old house is up for sale!”

That was about the last thing I’d expected to hear. The mid-20’s couple who’d bought our 6 bedrooms had planned to fill the rooms with children, and in the last 3 years had had 2 of them. Hearing that they wanted to move was a big surprise.

Our family had loved living in that century-old farmhouse with its secret closet, 2 stairways, strange attic, and other unique features, so my neighbor’s question was tempting. Move back to my old friends? Our beloved church and pastor? Shopping areas that were 1 mile away instead of 25?

It was a delicious thought.

But later, when Birgitta, Nelson, and I talked it through, the reality wasn’t as tasty. For one thing, Nate wouldn’t be there. He and I had done life together in that home, from weathering storms to bringing new babies there. Without him, that houseful of memories would seem empty and sad. And of course I don’t need such big digs.

Our kitchenTheir kitchen

Whether we like it or not, time keeps marching forward, and circumstances change, some for the good, some for the bad. We can’t go backwards hoping to recreate what we had. If what we had wasn’t good, we don’t mind. But if it was, we have to firmly deal with ourselves to make sure we don’t yearn for something that can’t be ours.

God’s counsel on this is to be future-focused, “forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before.” (Philippians 4:13) In that same passage Paul says, “Our conversation is in heaven.” (v. 20,KJV)

Living and belonging there will be more important than anything we’ve known here, and it’s all still in front of us. Leaning backwards to recapture something that can’t possibly compare with what’s ahead is to set ourselves up for a big letdown.

And so, after we took a visual tour of our old house on Zillow.com, we stopped entertaining the idea of living there again and began listing the many reasons we’re glad God put us exactly where he did.

“Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 3:13-14)

A Surprising Gift

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Making Kids MindBack in 1984, Dr. Kevin Leman wrote a parenting book entitled, Making Children Mind without Losing Yours with chapters like this one: “How to Act When They Act Up.” He recognized that parents needed help and gave some good advice.

Part of the problem is that parents never know what to expect. Their task is full of surprises. Although some are glorious (like the intensity of love for a child), some are horrendous (like the power of a temper tantrum). And as we look back on our efforts at the end of two decades, we wonder if what we did was good enough. We see mistakes and have regrets, but we also see we did some things right. But time’s up, and the way the kids “turned out” is generally the way it stands.

Despite all the surprises of parenting during those in-the-home years, the biggest one for me came after our active parenting had ended and our 7 had all left the nest. Nate and I had gotten started on the parenthood journey in 1973, and I figured motherhood would fall off a cliff when baby Nelson reached the age of 21. It was a big surprise that our relationship morphed into one of adult-to-adult while still retaining strong attachments as mother-and-son, father-and-son.

Although we’d had our share of “run-ins” during the growing up years, once Nelson became an adult, our problems melted away, and we were free to become friends. With our eyebrows raised, Nate and I used to talk about the wonder of that new stage of parenting.

Now, since our children are grown and all leading productive lives, the same delightful change has occurred in each of them. These adult siblings are looking out for their mother and each other, and they work hard to have time together. If I keeled over tomorrow, I have no doubt they’d all stay close-in-heart.

I’m still their mom, though in different ways now, and each of them reminds me often of the special place I have in their lives. It’s undeserved but so appreciated.

All of this adult-child blessing is actually God’s intention for all parents. It’s as if he says, “When I sent you a new baby, I knew I was giving you an enormous assignment. But you took it on, and now, in these years after the difficult days have passed, you’re learning the depth of what I meant when I said ‘children are a gift.’ ”

Adult kids (…all but Lars)

My heart breaks over some of the mistakes I made as a mother, and yet my children demonstrate loyalty and love  to me anyway. If I’d have known about all these goodies waiting for me at the end of active parenting, I would have been much less likely, during the stressful years, to have the mind-losing moments Kevin Leman referred to in his book. But none of that matters now, because I’m surrounded by the lovely surprise of one of God’s best gifts: my adult children.

“Don’t you see that children are God’s best gift? Oh, how blessed are you parents, with your quivers full of children!” (Psalm 127:3,5 The Message)

In Secret

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All of us have had experience with Secret Santa gifts. Maybe it was in elementary school or Girl Scouts or even in an office setting, but we’re familiar with the inexpensive gift-giving done anonymously to someone assigned to us.

Keeping secrets is always fun, at Christmas or any time. Last week, for example, I received something that was given in secret. While Birgitta, Emerald, and I were away from home, someone came to our door and left an envelope on the front mat.

I didn’t recognize the writing, and when I opened it, I expected to see a “from who.” Instead of a signature there was a lavish gift card and a short message: “Go get some donuts, diapers or dog treats – whatever you need. Wishing you God Speed. Your friend.” Tucked inside was a gift card for $100!

Birgitta and I studied the handwriting, trying to determine if we’d seen it before. Was it a woman’s writing? A man’s? Was it a young person? Someone older? I began asking around, but no one would claim responsibility. I wish I could say thanks, but anonymous gift-givers usually aren’t looking for that.

Giving gifts in secret is practically a lost art these days. When wealthy people donate to an institution, they’re happy to have a building named after them. When philanthropic organizations give, they make sure the source and its purpose is announced publically. When I give a present, I hope the recipient will feel my love behind the choice of gift, so I sign my name. And when I put something in the church offering, the envelope I use has my name on it.

It’s reasonable to want credit for our gifts. Giving anonymously is done only with careful intention, and very few do it. But when Jesus said, “It’s more blessed to give than receive,” he meant it for non-credited givers as well as those hoping for credit. Maybe those whose gifts are given in secret somehow enjoy their giving even more than the rest of us.

What kind of person gives anonymously? Maybe it’s someone who simply loves keeping secrets. Or it might be a person who doesn’t want a relationship to be tipped one way or another by the size or type of gift. It’s also possible the anonymous giver just wants to be sure the gift can’t be given back, in case the receiver considers it too generous.

God is all for secretive giving. Using an interesting metaphor, he says in Scripture that we shouldn’t even let one of our hands know what the other is giving. The Bible also says that if no credit is sought on earth, the giver will be credited in heaven. (And if I know God at all, it’ll probably significantly magnified.)

So, dear anonymous friend, thank you for your very generous gift. God watched you leave it at my house and is personally planning something very special for you!

“When you do a charitable deed, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, that your charitable deed may be in secret; and your Father who sees in secret will himself reward you openly.” (Matthew 6:3-4)