If a good day is 0 and a bad day is 10, today was an 8. En route to the hospital in Chicago, Nate called the doctor, wanting to set up a meeting after today’s radiation treatment (#10). In the last two days, new negative symptoms have popped up: dry heaving, dizziness and feelings of panic as breathing tightens.
Two doctors and a nurse kindly accommodated and gave us a full hour, despite our not being scheduled. When they asked Nate to rate his pain from 1 to 10, 10 being the most severe, he thought and frowned but couldn’t pick a number. The description beneath face #8 said it well: “Hurts a whole lot.” The medical team designed a new treatment plan to ease his symptoms and suggested we meet with the hospital counselor specializing in cancer cases.
The doctor described what he saw as the cause of Nate’s panic attacks, the conflict of being forced to choose between two bad choices. With the end of our radiation treatments in sight, chemotherapy was coming into view. “Chemo might help you, but it also will drain your energy,” the doctor was saying. Basically the question in front of us was, “Would you like to undergo chemo treatments that may not help you, or would you like to forego chemo and risk losing the help it may have given you?”
We’d already decided against the research study to see how using a new combination of chemo drugs in pancreatic cancer patients might help. But traditional chemo was still on the table for us. What would our choice be?
During the discussion, Nate was battling extreme emotional pain, maybe even a 10. It was written in the agony on his face. His dry mouth was causing his lips to stick to his teeth, and he was complaining of a severe stomach ache. Dr. Abrams prescribed something to relax him, agreeing that he needed relief and calming. He wisely suggested we opt out of our scheduled radiation treatment today after observing Nate’s overall stress and exhaustion, so we skipped it.
After our appointment, my brother Tom met us in the radiation waiting room to talk about their legal clients as he and Nate had done before. But today Nate couldn’t concentrate and was agitated in both body and mind. Tom called a halt to the meeting, having a sensitive barometer for his brother-in-law’s well being, and we headed home by way of two pharmacies. Arguments over insurance permission, pill prices and inadequate supplies left us both longing to end the day.
Finally, armed with a small supply of a new drug to ease Nate’s anxiety, we looked forward to a calm, symptom-free evening. But the pill overdid its task and knocked him out completely. He went to sleep in his clothes, a sleep so solid I wondered if he’d wake up in the morning. Tears, tears and more tears came as I watched him sleep next to me, his mouth open and his eyes only half closed.
When Jesus walked the earth, one of his statements summed up the way we would have to have to look at life from here on: “Do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”
People often say, “Tomorrow will be a better day.” I have a hunch that won’t be true for us. Although we never lose hope, probabilities are powerful influencers.
Oh, Margaret. Hang in there. You have been so faithful, so inspirational. I’m sorry today was so rough. I’m sorry you’re likely to have more rough days. But you are loved by many, on earth & in heaven. I hope you are nourished by that, even in small ways. Sending you hugs.
Let’s hope today will be a better day.I think of you daily and are crying with you. Love to all
Know that today is a NEW day of grace. Yesterday was used up; the storehouse pours out more right now. Your supply is replenished! Don’t deplete it by thinking of tomorrow. Even though we came to know Nate recently the pain we share is very real since we know him so well as a “brother.” What you say about probability is true but remember that Hope is trump.
This brings me to silence. No words to say. Margaret…..I am on my knees for you all. All my words feel so shallow even as I reach deeply to find ones to help. So this you need to know….I am praying throughout each day for you. Hold tight to our ROCK.
Praying for your day today.
Isaiah 40:29–He gives strength to the
weary and increases the power of the weak.
Love you,
Gale
I am praying for the Lord’s great comfort and peace to flood over you.
Isaiah 41:10
“Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. I will help you. I will uphold you with my victorious right hand.”
Psalm 31:5
“I entrust my spirit into your hand.
Rescue me, LORD, for you are a faithful God.”
You are all very much in our thoughts and prayers. I went on this journey when I was 14. I remember vividly the day we were told the cancer was terminal.Watching someone I love suffer was the hardest thing I have ever been through, and yet God sustained me, as I know He will sustain you now. With love, Amanda, Katy Nyman’s aunt.
I wish there were words to comfort, so I hope you will find comfort in knowing that there is a network of intersessory prayer on behalf of all of you. I don’t think there is a minute in the day that is not covered in prayer rotation of so many who are crying and praying out to God. I want to give you something which I experienced when we walked through the year and half of taking care of John’s dad who was paralyzed with a brain stem stroke….
Like the “footprints in the sand”, may you both feel the strong arms of our Lord carry you. As He holds you close to His chest, may you hear His heartbeat and feel His breath upon your face. His gaze is steady toward the goal (which unfortunately we aren’t sure what that is). Even though we express fear, anger, doubt, etc., He still carries us through while understanding the varied human emotions which we express to Him. Much love to you both.
May God give abundant grace—always so hard to watch the one we love so much walk these deep waters….and we already know empathy is one of your strongest suits, Margaret. I heard a sermon about casting burdens…pastor said it’s like throwing a very heavy shot put….takes a ton and momentum and energy just to get that weight off and hurled. So hurl away, my friend and may God lift your burdens this day.
Love and prayers, Clar Lyn
On Monday, the 12th, around 11:45am, I was in our lawyer’s office, looking out at the far away tops of the Smoky Mtns, from the 6th floor window. Rain was hitting the panes, and I thought of y’all, and prayed. The lawyer had to step out, momentarily, regarding Jim’s legal affairs. It would have been 10:45am, Chicago time.
Bob’s new motto was Today is the best day of the rest of your life. And for him, Today is the best day of the rest of my life. For him it was a positive affirmation to stay in the moment of what was his. Much love to you both.
There are no words. I love Nate. To a decree I feel his pain. We are connected to the ones we love.
Still praying, believing for Nate’s miraculous healing….strength to persevere for all of you…may the peace of God be upon you every moment of the day and night…give you rest in your bodies, minds and spirits.
Matt. 21:21,22…God’s Word..declares it! Love to all, Patzian
My heart hurts today, and I have no words of my own.
“But now this is what the Lord says. He who created you…, he who formed you…, Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.”
Isaiah 43:1-3
praying for you Marni, love you.
Our hearts go out to you and Nate. You are so honest and real in your blog. Surely there will be better day – as my therapist always told me: “You WILL NOT always feel as bad as you do right now…” Sort of noncommittal, but true, meaning that relief WILL come again. Until then, we send you much much love and many prayers and the wish that we could take at least some of the pain on ourselves, to give you a break!
Margaret, your writing skills are amazing and such a comfort to us. God has given you an incredible gift.
Last night we returned from Door County where we had no computer. I just checked your post and learned about your day. It’s almost midnight and your names will be on my heart as I lay down for the night…”Lord, please give my friend more good days ahead, days of relief, filled with intimacy and tenderness. Pour out your grace upon them and lavish them with your presence Lord”.
Dear Nate and Margaret, I just learned about your journey from Sharon, our daughter, and have been reading your posts. It leaves me speechless but with great awe in the workings of the Lord in all of your lives. He is the great REFUGE and will hold you under His wings. Our love and prayers are with you. Skip and Carolyn
Marg, Through your tears, can you hum with us knowing “He giveth more grace when the burdens grow greater, He sendeth more strength when the labors increase; To added affliction He addeth His mercy, To multiplied trials, His multiplied peace. And “when we have exhausted our store of endurance, when our strength has failed ere the day is half done, when we reach the end of our gathered resources, Our Father’s full giving is only begun” We’re praying for you day and night that Nate and you will be sustained knowing that from His “infinite riches in Jesus, He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again!
When Bob’s father died (46 yrs. ago) no one talked about it, no one admitted it, no one got prepared, everyone said God would never let that happen because they all prayed so hard,no one SAID GOODBYE. Now, these 50-60 yr. old sons are STILL processing the damage done by that denial. We so admire your unbelievable wisdom and articulateness and your understanding of how precious each moment is. You are staring pain and death and fear in the face, and you are loving each other and being real. I know you have light in your eyes, along with the tears! We admire you so much and send you so much love and prayers for every sacred moment of life.
Hang in there Marg. It was your brother Tom who represented me in court many years ago who ultimately introduced Nate to our firm. You’ve got a great brother and husband.
The decision about chemo was so overwhelming. I’m so glad that from where we stand today, we know God was leading. Chemo would have been awful. It was much better to have the extra time in Shorewood. It’s good to remember that no matter what we’re facing now, God is will still lead us when we seek him.