After writing last night’s post entitled “Love Letters,” today a dim bell rang in my head reminding me I’d already used that title. Sure enough, the day after Valentine’s Day, there it was: “Love Letters.” Was it a senior moment or a poor memory? Probably both.
While looking again at February 15’s blog, though, my eye landed on a comment at the end by “Anonymous”. He or she wrote: “I am envious of the love your husband had for you and the love you had for your husband. That unconditional love has eluded me.”
I got a pang of sadness for that commenter and for Nate. The sad truth is that although Nate definitely loved me unconditionally, I didn’t always love him back that way. I felt so secure in his devotion to me I often took his love and him for granted. I’ve written this truth “between the lines” of my blog but haven’t said it outright. Let me set the record straight, Anonymous.
It’s been my nature to expect the best from people, particularly our children, and then when they deliver, to expect more. Years ago Nate and I attended a parenting conference during which a powerful statement from the speaker impacted me: “Expect the best of your children and they’ll live up to it.”
That plan can be taken too far, however, if parental expectations seem never to be satisfied. The second problem is treating a spouse in this way. I erred in both categories.
But it’s interesting that once we received Nate’s cancer diagnosis, my expectations ceased and my wifely faults suddenly stood out like lighted billboards on a dark highway. I remember walking on the beach with my sister just after we learned of the cancer, telling her, “I realize I haven’t been the best wife, but I am going to be, from this moment on.”
While Nate was sick, it was my greatest joy to love him unconditionally. But it took knowledge of a fatal illness for me to stop “expecting more.”
Years ago, Nate and I became friends with a couple we met through his work. We had much in common with them until it surfaced that the husband was having an affair. As soon as his wife found out, she divorced him. The affair fizzled, and sadly, a short time after that, the man had a sudden heart attack and died.
Nate and I often talked about whether or not our two friends might have tried to restore their marriage, even after the torture of the affair, had they known he was going to die so soon. My guess is their answer would have been, “Yes”.
Our marriage was good, but it could have been better, had I reciprocated with unconditional love like Nate’s. What could be more gratifying than a husband and wife trying to outdo each other in loving the other person more? Since it was easy to love Nate like this after he became sick, why couldn’t I have done it when he was well?
If he was sitting at my elbow as I typed this, he’d say, “What are you talking about? You were a great wife.” But that’s just it. Those would be the words of unconditional love.
As I pray daily for my blog readers (which includes you, Anonymous), I pray for strong marriages, that husbands and wives will have eyes to see each other as if their lives already had end-dates on the calendar. If we were willing to love unconditionally despite the sacrifices required, God would respond with blessing beyond our wildest dreams.
The end of Anonymous’ comment on February 15 was, “I’m so happy for you that you’ve had this very precious gift.”
Well said… a precious gift, given freely, without expecting anything in return. The Lord operates that way too, giving and giving more. If we decide to give back, he gives again, piling blessing on blessing. And this is our example for marriage.
“All of you should be of one mind. Sympathize with each other. Be tenderhearted, and keep a humble attitude. Don’t repay evil for evil. Don’t retaliate with insults when people insult you. Instead, pay them back with a blessing. That is what God has called you to do, and he will bless you for it.” (1 Peter 3:8-9)
Yes, Margaret…Nate did adore you–when we all lived together on Belden (remember we called ourselves the Belden Beauties?) it was fun to watch your romance develop and all his notes, flowers and attention to you. And I’m sure you loved him well too….don’t be so hard on yourself…look at those smiles! ~~your ole apartment mate
Thank you for your words of encouragement based on your hindsight. It took me almost losing my husband to sudden deaths a few times to help me realize how good of a marriage and life I have because of him. You are a reminder to not slip back into that area of taking it for granted that he will always be around. Last year, a video and study book addressed your topic. It is called “Fireproof” and is for any stage of a couple’s marriage. You can visit their website at FireProofMyMarriage.com
Nate was a treasure – he married a woman who has used Proverbs 31 to guide her life. I so appreciate your honesty and transparency.
Expectations…unconditional love… these are mutually exclusive terms. We will be married 30 years this year and I am finally getting it (although don’t ask my husband if he sees it yet!) Marriage is more about my relationship with God than with my husband. When I learn to find joy in God’s unconditional love for me then I can relax about whether anyone else is giving it to me. (And whether I am giving it to them!) The truth is only God can love perfectly and unconditionally. I was bought with a price, the life of His son, and the more I understand that, the more whole and secure I feel even when my earthly relationships let me down. Elizabeth Elliott always started her radio broadcast with, “You are loved with an everlasting love, and underneath are the everlasting arms.” Now that is unconditional love.
We have been married for 23 years. I am my husband´s first girlfriend and he had showered me with flowers and love cards for years. I remember when he took a missionary trip, ten years ago. I opened the door the morning after he left to start my day and I saw a poem written with a silver pen and a rose taped on it. I found a different poem and a similar rose every morning during 14 days. However, I took his love for granted and one day he stopped even giving me birthday presents. I know he still loves me but is hard to live with me. I miss those days and I working towards becoming a better wife. Pray for me. It is not easy…when you have the “contact me” option I´ll tell you more in private. But thank you for sharing your own experience…Bless you!
Hi Margaret,
In regards to a senior moment, be assured you are still operating with a full bag of marbles. 🙂
You have reflected more than once about your own perceptions of your “success” as a wife, so it doesn’t surprise me that you might title a blog the same twice. I suppose the best earthly judge of that would be Nate himself and your children observing your relationship. It seems to me they have given you two thumbs way up.
Whatever your definition is of loving unconditionally, I don’t think the sort of energy and focus you had for those 42 days could have been possibly sustained over 40 years.
That you raised 7 children and rode out financial disaster and still found your marriage in a good place is a testimony to the strength of commitment to your vows. Who can know at the altar what life will do to season and break each person standing there? Barbara’s comments above are spot on, and no need to repeat or paraphrase them here. We start marriage looking for happiness, but all along God intends it for our holiness. It is the primary place where God chisels away at self and exposes the deceitfulness of the human heart.
Personally, I think the reason why you can be so self-critical in this area, is precisely because you allow His Word and His Spirit entry into the nooks and crannies of your soul. When perfect light is shone, inevitably the flaws and imperfections rise to the surface. What would be worse is oblivion, wrongly thinking you’ve got it going on.
Having said that, your advice is well-taken- nothing but good can come to the person who gives without expectation, without keeping a scorecard. In my own sinfulness, I am not capable of that over the long haul, but that is the objective- for Him to increase and me to decrease.
“Lord, for Margaret and all of us, more of Christ and less of me.”
Love,
Terry