Category Archives: Suffering

Nelson’s journal 4/26/22  

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The ongoing sleeping/eating challenges with Will are here pre-empted by Nelson’s health issues and his escalating pain. Sadly, the medical community is still focused on it being a problem with his thyroid gland. If only that had been true….

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April 26, 2022 

My sickness still rages on in the form of a really intense dry cough and pain in my whole chest, top to bottom. Mostly that’s it, aside from being pretty tired all the time. I feel like I could lie down and sleep anytime, even right after getting up and drinking coffee. Even coffee has lost its luster, so to speak. Hard to swallow.

Right now I’m listening to Will scream it out in the next room. We had a really nice morning together so far, but it goes south whenever it’s time to eat or sleep. Once we get to that point, I try to feed him, which increases his irritation, then eventually swaddle him and cuddle him to sleep.

But once he’s in the crying mode with me, he’s not going to settle, so there’s just one other option. That’s to try to get him comfortable and put him in the crib. Then it’s up to him. After that, it’s usually complaining-crying until he goes into full “billy-goat” screaming mode. Right now, I’d say there’s a 10% chance he goes to sleep, but usually Mama will awake and rescue him. She has what he wants and can usually calm him, unlike what I can do.

I’m proud of him though. We visited the doc first time yesterday, and he came in at 90% for his age in weight and height. Doc said he looks and sounds great. We have our issues, but Annso is the eternal optimist, and that’s our saving grace most of the time. Attitude is everything.

There is a picture on the wall from Samuel that says, “For this child I have prayed.” It’s a great reminder about the miracle he is. I’m excited that he keeps growing and even though people say, “Don’t wish the time away or rush through it,” I’m not much into the newborn stage, I have to say. He’s adorable, but there are so many times when I have nothing more I can do and it’s just screaming, which has all this failure and guilt attached to it for me.

I try not to over-think it and just be thankful for who he is and what we have. I’m excited that at some point, maybe I’ll be healthy again and be able to lick this Thyroid thing, even if that means getting it removed. I don’t want to lose my voice box or any other disaster that might happen in a surgery. I wonder, does it shrink down if they just “kill it” like they talk about doing?

All I know is, this is no kind of life I live now. No exercise, very little joy because of the constant pain and fatigue of the whole thing. I know what it must feel like to be 90 years old. Super tired and lots of pain in the body all over the place.

 

But I’m excited about our trip to the mainland to camp our way across the US in our RV, the one we don’t yet have. I’m working on Ebay and Cragslist to see if I can’t get a good one.  

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 “The God of all comfort comforts us in all our troubles.” (2 Corinthians 1:4)

Nelson’s journal 4/20/22  

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Despite Nelson’s health issues, little Will’s constant crying is what dominates their home. Because Nelson is throwing himself into helping in every way he knows to do, in the process he’s getting used to letting Will “cry it out.” Though it’s unpleasant, it usually works. So, to write this journal entry, Nelson has gone back to his happy place: Starbucks…or, as he sometimes called it, The Buckery.

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April 20, 2022 

Letting a baby “cry it out,” which happens pretty much daily at our house, is torture for everyone. I try everything, feeding, clean diaper, lights on, lights off, cuddling, laying on the floor, in the Moses basket he really likes that Holly sent us, and of course, feeding. He drank 2 oz, which is probably enough, had a poopy diaper, and now he’s “fine” but you would think someone is stabbing him with knives.

I did it all while holding him, so now my logic is: let’s at least get something done and teach him something through this ordeal, and it’s this: He won’t die if he cries for 20 minutes then falls asleep. He can do it without help and without Annso or I intervening again and again. He probably won’t even be slightly hurt by it. He doesn’t seem to mind screaming at all. Endless energy to do it.

Annso doesn’t like it, and I can see why. She’s so much nicer than I am when it comes to that stuff, but I’m totally against mushy parenting and see the results it gets when I look around the campus. The last thing I want is a baby who is high-need, never satisfied, unable to soothe himself, and living in a constant state of discontent. “This is the inevitable result of blocking all crying all the time.”

It’s an exhausting way to start the day, all frazzled-out, feeling like you’re torturing your child, yourself, and everyone else within ear shot. The one thing I’ll say though is that it works pretty well in the end. As long as I’ve tried EVERYTHING, I can do it with a clear conscience. He just needs to cry it out. And when I know that, it’s a done deal.

Here as I type this, we went from full boar billy goat crying, and now we’re quiet. I don’t know if we’re sleeping, but we’re quiet. It took about 15 minutes. He can go quite a bit longer than that, but 15 minutes usually does it when all else fails. If I would have kept trying things, I’d be walking and pacing this place with a mildly fussy to crying baby for the next hour and a half, and who does that help? Do we do that just because we’re afraid of a little crying?

Some of the worst mistakes I have made in my life came because I was afraid of a little crying. I have been in the wrong career because of it, kept the wrong people on staff here at Hale Ola, stayed in places too long, left places too early, you name it; all because I was afraid of a little crying. We don’t like confrontation and the loudest one gets the attention.

4pm. My first time back at a Starbucks in years after they were closed forever. They don’t have brewed coffee so I got a Mocha. Mark and Brenda gave us a $100 gift card so I don’t feel bad about the $6.75 price tag attached to it. Holy Cow! They always want to give you an “Americana,” but those aren’t the same as coffee at all. You can taste that the water has gone through coffee beans.

A friend of Annso’s is at our place hanging with Will, and I didn’t know it until I walked through the door earlier. I like it best when it’s only us. Is that weird? I’m becoming more introverted as time passes, even though I would rather become more of a community-minded person, but it takes lots of work. I’m still the over-sensitive alcoholic I always have been. Annso is a saint for being with me. I have nothing to complain about. I have blessings beyond anything I could dream of.

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“There is a time to cry and a time to laugh.” (Ecclesiastes 3:4)

Nelson’s journal 4/18/22  

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Nelson is feeling better about what has been diagnosed as a thyroid problem, assuming that it’s gradually healing. Little Will is doing better with his eating and sleeping, too, and Nelson’s pastoring ministry has ended honorably. Things are looking up.

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April 18, 2022    

Finished things up at Little Red Church for good yesterday for the Easter Service. We had about 90 people including the Kokua Crew, so it was a pretty good sized group. Bob Duffer brought the word, and the Micronesians stood up front. I prayed for them to usher in their season at the place [The Little Red Church]. Hard to believe they’ve had the property the whole time and didn’t do this sooner.

My Thyroid issue seems to be calming down and my levels are lower, at least they feel lower. I have hardly any energy and no more rapid heart rate. I wonder what my fate is with this whole thing. Will it go back to normal?

I always liked my metabolism and normal mode of operation. It’s hard not to take a couple naps per day on days like this. I just feel so lethargic.

The baby Will is growing and doing really good being just over a month old now. We’ve gotten better at feeding and sleeping him, so that’s encouraging. Still gets up a couple times in the night, but we don’t mind.

It’s hard being in ministry. Just today, I asked a guy to leave the Hale Ola property who sort of just came out of nowhere as a self-proclaimed fix-it man, asking for all these favors and making the Kokua Crew nervous.

People get mixed up about what YWAM is and think that because they were once here, they can just show up and pick up where they left off. I felt sorry for him, being an old guy and all, no doubt a Christian, but a dinosaur who doesn’t fit into the world of today.

Not that I really do either.

But a guy like that who flies in and wanders around begging for favors is about as close to homeless as you can get, without actually being that. I’m sure it’s not the first time he got asked to leave a place for similar behavior. He also invited himself to stand up in front of our group at devotions and share, and I let him do it. Poor guy.

I’m grateful for how things went to close the church down and pass it along to the next people. I’m glad it was a church moving in instead of just us closing it. Thank you for the 6 years I was there. I pray for direction going forward in another season or tenure at another church or whatever you have Lord. I pray we can see what it is you have and not miss it.

I’m thankful for our son and how healthy he is. I’m thankful for the light he is in our lives and how you didn’t have us deal with not having children, which it looked for a while like it was a possibility.

I pray for our Summer plans to travel in a camper and see more of the country as a family. I pray for the right RV, something we can resell or use later. Thank you that you haven’t given us riches so far to distract us from you and serving here. Thank you that we are still able to do it.

I pray for our Kokua Crew and their lives, that they would be protected from lies and comparison. I pray for Judy’s speech tomorrow and that her words would have an impact on the girls especially.

I pray for continuing upward progress in my health and with the Thyroid problem that came out of nowhere. I pray that you would heal me completely and that I wouldn’t need meds going forward or surgery or anything permanent. You can do it.

I pray for eventually a pill-free life without meds and just a healthy routine of good food and exercise. Thank you that this has kept me at home with time to spend on our little guy and being together as we get started [as a family]. You are so good to us, giving us insured health care here in Hawaii. What a blessing. Amen.

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“Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts.” (Colossians 3:15)