Five months ago we were walking through the final days of Nate’s life with him. Five months is nearly half of a year. In the days after his funeral, I wondered how long it would be before we adjusted to life minus our father and husband. I thought, “Surely by spring we’ll all feel better.”
Now here we are, and rather than becoming easier, living without Nate is more difficult. My widow warriors and Dr. Abrams warned me about this. Although I sensed I was on automatic pilot in the days of the wake and funeral, what I didn’t know was the way auto pilot would quietly slide into numbness. And I didn’t know how long that would last.
After terminal illness terminates, loved ones are left feeling empty and cold. I don’t doubt this is God’s gift. Just like a dentist numbs our jaw to cover intolerable physical pain, so God numbs our thinking to cover intolerable emotional pain. It’s as if he freezes the feelings-center of the brain so that full outward function can continue. Eventually, though, when the person is ready, God allows a gradual waking up, just as a jaw regains its feeling when the drug wears off. And that’s where we are, beginning to be aware of our loss with new potency.
Several of our children have mentioned feeling this way, saying they miss their father more now than ever. It’s true for me, too. We’re being carried through grief stages, and there’s nothing to do but cooperate, although its comforting to know God has control of the Novocain.
Sometimes when visiting the dentist, I’ll get a zap of pain while he’s drilling and say, “Ow!” He’ll take his instruments from my mouth and administer a bit more of the numbing drug, then wait to be sure I can’t feel anything before proceeding. God operated the same way during our numb months, letting us think about and talk about how sad it was without Nate but not letting us experience the permanent “ow” of the situation.
Now he has begun to gradually wake us from that numbness. He’s slow and gentle in allowing this new kind of pain, letting us experience the hurt of reality only as we can tolerate it. He waits for us to catch up to him while at the same time asking us to be patient with our own emotional healing. Sometimes we just want him to make the sadness go away. One precious widow friend told me she pleaded with God to please bring back her numbness.
But when the dentist has made my jaw numb, it’s no fun to eat, talk or even smile until the Novocain wears off. It’s similar with emotional numbness. Life can’t be rewarding and full when we can’t feel it. The only thing to do is to gradually let go of the numbness and to let God manage our pain tolerance. He wants us to come to him for the assistance we need as we wake up to what’s really happened. No matter where we are on the numbness scale, he welcomes our requests and knows exactly what dose of Novocain to give… or withhold.
“The Lord still waits for you to come to him so he can show you his love and compassion. For the Lord is a faithful God. Blessed are those who wait for him to help them.” (Isaiah 30:18)
Sending big hugs!! Love you lots!
I feel you, Sis-tuh! I had a meltdown tonight, and pretty much just wanted so much to call my mom (died 8/17/09 of cancer) and get her help on what to do with a strong-willed toddler (she had experience with me). Instead, God directed me to call my friend, who told me two stories my mom had told her about me when she was a mom of toddlers. God also directed me to read my son “The Little Engine that Could.” We hadn’t ventured into this one in many months, because my son can’t last through the whole thing. Inside the cover was a message straight from my mom, in her handwriting that read, “Dear Ian, Keep trying, no matter what! You can do it! Love, Grandmommy.” I think that message was really for me tonight.
I pray God gives you new voices in your life and new ways of coping as you lean into yet another wave of grief… and another stage in the journey.
Thinking about you and hoping that spring with it’s beauty and sun can warm your heart just a little. Love from all of us 🙂
well said. i feel like that too..
So well stated, Midge….and you’re all..in my prayers – daily.
Love and blessings.
Thinking of you today in your Michigan cottage, much like mine. God has a plan.
As you have previously quoted, Elizabeth Elliott, who lost her first husband to murder and the second to cancer, advised anyone feeling overwhelmed to just “do the next thing.” Perhaps for you, the next thing is to feel some of that grief. But remember, if you put all of the prayers that people are praying for you and your family together, nothing could contain them all. They go straight to the throne of heaven, and underneath are the Everlasting Arms. With love and prayers…
Praying for you.
Margaret, I thank you for your honesty and straight-forwardness in sharing your sadness and pain, and your turning to the Lord in such times.
The comfort (and insight) you are receiving from Him is that which you are passing on to others – 2Corinthians 1:3-5.
I am praying for you and your family.
Margaret,
I just stumbled on your site through a Google alert for Sanibel Island. I spent my lunch hour reading your journal. You are such a talented writer. Please know that you and your family are now part of my daily prayers.
What an amazing analogy with the numbness description. SO very insightful into this grief journey. I am praying for you Margaret.
Margaret,
This entry could add a chapter to Philip Yancey’s Where Is God When It Hurts? I suppose emotional numbness is like physical leprosy-the inability to feel pain ultimately bringing destruction.
“Lord, for Margaret and her children, you are mindful of their frames and know that they are but dust. They are in their night, filled with weeping. We trust that their morning will come and that joy will mark their lives. You make all things beautiful in Your time. Be their strength and hope in this time of healing. Amen.”
Love,
Terry
“You remember my wanderings; put my tears into Your bottle. Are they not in Your book? When I cry out to You, then my enemies will turn back. This I know, because God is for me. In God I will praise His word; in the Lord I will praise His word; in God I have put my trust; I will not be afraid.”
Psalm 56:8-11
“Why are you cast down, O my soul? And why are you disquieted within me? Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him for the help of His countenance. The Lord will command His lovingkindness in the daytime, and in the night His song shall be with me–a prayer to the God of my life.” Psalm 42:5, 8