Is it possible to live without regrets? Probably not. All of us are pros at looking backwards and playing rounds of would-have, could-have and should-have. Regret comes naturally. The trick is facing forward to play the would-do, could-do and should-do game.
When I think of Nate, particularly of his last year as he suffered so much back pain and then cancer pain, I often wonder if he had regrets. I can’t imagine he did, because in my opinion, he suffered well, taking the high road and carrying his miserable assignment without complaint.
As for me, I have a bucket full of regrets and if-only’s. I try not to play those games, but sometimes they taunt me like a school yard bully.
I think often of my mom, who was a fun-loving, happy-go-lucky person who worked hard and had hundreds of friends. Her funeral was SRO, unusual for a 92 year old woman, the room (and hall and lobby) filled with a crowd of mourners much younger than she. They were people a generation and sometimes two behind her on whom she’d had a profound impact. She was young at heart and in thought, influencing lives of all ages.
I was lucky enough to spend every Saturday evening with mom during the last year of her life. We’d eat, watch TV, play games, laugh, pray, and make plans for the future. One Saturday we found ourselves talking theology. She was in her “Genesis Phase,” digging deep into the first few chapters of the Bible for several months straight. Somehow we got onto the subject of living life without regrets (probably talking about Eve).
I asked mom, “How about you? Do you have any regrets?” This woman had won awards, taught the Bible, led committees, entertained thousands, evangelized neighborhoods, tended to the elderly, babysat unnumbered children, made friends in high places and lived life to the fullest.
She didn’t answer my question right away but seemed lost in thought. Finally she responded. “My whole life is one big regret.”
I couldn’t believe my ears, this coming from a woman who was the role model for hundreds. “What?” I said. “You’re kidding!”
Words of praise rushed from my mouth like water from a fire hose, and I spent the next ten minutes listing reasons why she shouldn’t have any regrets. She continued to look out the window and shake her head just enough for me to notice. I changed the subject, hoping to pull her from the doldrums of the moment. Today I regret filling the air with compliments. If I’d asked for more of her thoughts, I might have learned something.
Mom died in 2005, and I’ve had five years to reflect on her comment. I think she had gleaned so much about the Lord in her studying and praying that she genuinely knew she hadn’t measured up and never could. All the would-haves, could-haves and should-haves she might have accomplished couldn’t even come close.
She had long ago stopped comparing herself to other people and what they’d accomplished, and by then was comparing herself only to Jesus Christ and what he’d accomplished. In her judgment, she’d been “weighed in the balance and found wanting.” (Daniel 5:27)
The fact that I had made a major effort to talk her out of her somber self-assessment proved the shallow depth of my own spiritual understanding. Mom had been attending God’s school of wisdom for 92 years and was finally at the head of the class, but I was trying to coax her to the back row. Examining her life and “landing low” was her arrival at genuine humility. God was nodding his approval and making big plans to lift her up
“Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.” (James 4:9-10).
Great post, Mom. Isn’t it amazing to know that God loves us anyway, even though we constantly fail Him? I’m so blessed to live in a family with godly women like you and Grandma to look up to as examples. Love you.
What a great blog! I still remember watching your mom run up the steps to Philpot Hall on the third floor of Moody Church on Sunday mornings to teach the teenagers. She always had a smile on her face and a funny line to make you smile too. Or she would pop into the nursery and see how all the babies were doing – probably half of them were her grandkids – ha! Thanks for putting regrets into perspective worth pondering.
During Illinois visits I would get up early and find your mom ironing downstairs. She’d fix me with those blue eyes of hers and focus on whatever I wanted to talk about. Glorious. Riches.
Great Blog I remember your Mom and all the wonderful things she did and all the fun things she did and said. She was an amazing lady and was a blessing to so many people, just as your Blogs are Margaret.
Your mom was one of God’s very special angels here on earth!
Hi Margaret – thanks for this post and the great photo of your mother. I remember meeting with her at Moody Church many years ago to pick out music for my wedding. She sat at the piano and played countless selections for me, and helped me put it all together. She also gave a bridal shower for me at her home on Virginia Lane, I believe it was. Your mom always seemed to have time for everyone. What a special lady. Thanks for reminding me of her today.
I LOVED this, Margaret….what a blessing to have such a Godly mom and such wisdom! I think we all have regrets, but only God can make them positive. I remember telling Him one time how much I regretted the past # of years of a really rough time in my life..and He so lovingly revealed to me how strong I had become from thos experiences and how much wisdom I had gleaned about life in general and those years of adversity would be turned into advantages…and they have! He..has turned my regrets into ‘restoration’.
There is an old saying..I’m sure you’ve heard before “too soon old, too late smart”. I think we’re right on track..and I’m riding His train to glory, glad you’re on board… It’s always fun to have like-minded people to travel with.
Love ya, patzian
I look forward to knocking on your mom’s mansion door and meeting this person I did not know on earth.
She is in good company in her personal assessment. It seems the paradox of the Christian life is that the greatest saints are those most acutely aware of their sinfulness. I have heard it analogized to the scratches on the surface of a watch showing up in greater detail the closer the watch gets to the light.
I am sure when Paul classified himself as “chief among sinners”, he was thinking of all the brothers and sisters in Christ he killed before his own conversion. Did Peter ever get over his denial of Christ? I doubt it. I think into every Christian’s life comes a time(s) of being sifted like wheat, when what emerges is an exchange of priggish Pharisaical self-righteousness for an understanding that there is no good in us apart from the righteousness Christ imparts. We walk with a limp, we feel the buffeting thorn, that the power of Christ may dwell in us.
Abraham, the teller of half-truths, Jacob the deceiver, Moses the murderer, Rahab the harlot, Samson the luster, David the adulterer, considered by us and the Bible as heroes of the faith, honored in the Hebrews 11 gallery. I’ve never been able to uncover any dirt on Daniel, but there he is, on his face, when he encounters God. What of the godly prophet Isaiah? He sees the Lord and impulsively blurts, “woe is me, I am ruined, I am a man of unclean lips.” Get close to the Lord, and humility follows in a hurry.
This morning in Bible study, we were studying Psalm 24. It speaks to the future day when Christ will be installed on Mount Zion, King over all the earth. The Psalmist asks the question, who is qualified to ascend that hill, who has permission? There is only One Who has clean hands, and a pure heart, with whom there is no falsehood, idolatry or deception. Only the King of Glory can ascend that hill and open the eastern gate- He is the creator, He meets the righteous requirements, He is the conquering hero.
What of us? Verses 5 and 6 tell us- those who seek Him, who seek His face, who recognize salvation and righteousness come from God alone, these receive the blessing to follow Him up the hill, holding onto the train of His righteous robe.
I could never possibly meet His righteous requirements. it is like trying to pole vault over an impossibly high bar. Mother Theresa, Billy Graham, the most heinous among us, all fall in the same heap, short of the mark. Only the cross leaning against that bar offers me the way over onto the other side.
You have shared so much wisdom and insight today, Margaret. It dovetailed so much with the contents of Bible discussion this morning.
“Who is this King of Glory? It is You, Jesus. You became sin on my behalf. You sit at the right hand of the Father. You will return as conquering hero. Right now it has not as yet appeared what we shall be as Your children. But when You appear, we will be just like You, regret giving way to worship. On this we fix our hope. Amen.”
Much love,
Terry
As a young Moody graduate she talked to me about teaching High School Sunday School where I then taught for years. Reading the blog made me cry. I loved her and I love hearing about her graduation.
Well, again the way up is down…your mom had so much right. Only people who do realize how much they got wrong. What a legacy she has left behind. How she…being dead, still speaks.
I loved your mom and always appreciated that your family let her be a “grandma” to me and my sisters when our own grandmothers were too far away to fill that role.
Your mom sent me the dearest letter when my daughter Sarah died – I still have it and treasure it. Thanks for bringing back that memory 🙂
We do all have regrets, but thank goodness that they are covered by the blood of Christ. Not only that, but he can end up using our “should haves” or “shouldn’t haves” for His glory.
Thanks for your honest writing, Margaret. You are touching many hearts!
I too loved your Mom, Margaret. She communicated such love to all of us. She lived in the present with the fullness of Christ’s joy. Her life touched so many. I was blessed to have known her and learned from her. I loved serving next to her as we prepared meals in the Moody Church kitchen when John was a part of the pastoral nominating team–or whatever it was called. The men ate together as did we women–I wonder if they got as much out of those Sunday dinners as I did sitting at the feet of some extremely Godly women! Regrets compared to Jesus? Wow–too many to count! Great point to ponder and new lesson to learn from your Mom. But thankfully we as believers have an intercessor standing between us and God and He sees only Jesus in us, and nothing else. Whew!! Your blog is an inspiration and a blessing to us and your Savior! Thank you for sharing so openly and articulately. Praying for you too!
I am so thankful for your blog and the direction it is leading me. This post, honoring your dear mother, reminds me to compare my life with none but Jesus. That alone saves me from so much wasted time and emotion. He is my Model, and though I fail miserably, His presence on the journey means everything.