All of us can get selfish in a hurry, and in marriage, we get there twice as fast, expecting our mates to think just like we do. Actually, we want them to become exactly like us.
One slice of married life in which the me-monster can raise its hideous head is in our gift-giving to each other. As is true with most wives and husbands, anniversaries, birthdays and holidays are a reason to shop for, purchase and wrap up something special for our mates. We think ahead to the grand opening and the pleasure on a true love’s face when he or she discovers what’s inside.
Nate and I were no different, trying our best to please each other with small gifts. I remember the year he gave me a pretty wine-colored fountain pen. It had a white star on the tip, which meant nothing to me, but later I learned it was a Mont Blanc pen for which he paid $400. The only trouble was, I didn’t like fountain pens. They made splotches on the paper and their writing tips had to be periodically cleaned. They ran out of ink quickly and had to be refilled from a bottle, a messy, finger-staining process.
I thanked Nate lovingly, as if a fountain pen had been at the top of my wish list, then put it in the back of a drawer. When he wondered where it was and why I wasn’t using it, the ugly truth came out. He was disappointed, and I felt badly, but it was Nate who had the pen collection, not me.
I didn’t do much better in my gifting him. One year I arranged for his initials to be carved into a crystal paperweight. It would look dramatic on his desk and be dazzling when the sun hit it. His response included a smile and a thank you, but I could see I’d missed the mark. In actuality, it was me who had the glass collection and loved the paperweight.
Fifteen years later, we were chatting over a restaurant dinner when we learned we’d been giving gifts we’d wanted to receive. We laughed hard recounting some of our self-love gifts to each other, like the syrupy, romantic movies I’d given Nate, and the chocolates he’d given me when I was dieting. After that it was easy to give presents that were genuinely appreciated by first studying the other person’s likes and then choosing accordingly.
Both of us should have known this, since we’d memorized The Golden Rule in Sunday school. In other words, if I would delight in a glass-gift to add to my collection, I should know enough to give Nate a pen-gift for his collection, rather than a piece of glass.
When I was a teen, mom told me she was still learning new things about dad, to whom she’d been married for twenty years. At the time, I thought that was nonsense. After being married a while, I got it.
But there was one more step after learning something new about Nate. If I discounted it as unimportant because I didn’t feel the same as he did, the me-monster was still in charge. But when I set aside my opinion to honor Nate, our marriage moved up a notch on the happiness meter.
For example, I used to be frustrated when Nate would interrupt my report of the day with, “Bottom line?”
He meant, how about leaping over all those unnecessary words and giving me the end of the story. For me, the fun was in the telling. I used to think, “I know it’s hard for him to listen so long, but once he knows the details, he’ll be glad he heard them.” It was a shock to learn that wasn’t actually true. But the big question then was, how long did it take me to do what he wanted, to set aside the words and simply give him the bottom line? About fifteen years.
When love is in the house, it shouldn’t take that long.
“Do to others whatever you would like them to do to you. This is the essence of all that is taught in the law and the prophets.” (Matthew 7:12)
Dear Margaret,
You’ve always had a way with the written word for which I’ve always appreciated. I tell my children the story of us at Moody Church when I had written the article about already having three children and how tired I was of people asking me when was the next one coming. I thought that three was enough and in my own way I ranted in words as to why I didn’t appreciate this question. But probably as I was writing the response for which you were going to put in the nursery newsletter, the Lord was probably up in heaven laughing because he knew that number 4 was already on the way. And no sooner than I found out you lovingly called me and offered to ‘fix’ the article so it wouldn’t appear that I was upset about having this child. Well today that Number 4, Ian who is going to be 24 this year was talking to Dave Gruthusen our fairly new Youth Pastor at EFCN/The Compass Church this morning. Isaiah went up to him and introduced himself and somehow the Schaumbachs came up in the conversation and Dave started asking him about other people that we remembered from Moody Church. That is how we found out about Nate’s passing.
Isaiah and I are so very sorry.
We knew Nate more in the official capacity of our lawyer, but that wouldn’t have happened were it not for Moody Church and the comfort level that was built between us there. He was always willing to answer our questions and always handled our various concerns with his expertise. What I will always remember is how he loved you all. We would finish our business and say our goodbyes and Nate would hang back so he could call one of you before getting back on the road.
I’m so happy to see some of the last pictures that were taken of you both and that you all will have pictures with wonderful memories.
I’m now stuck for words as even though it’s been almost 24 hours since we learned of his passing, I’m still sort of stuck in a shocked mode. Thank you for taking the time to share your memories. Dave told me to make sure I read the blog. And I agree with him, this should be published.
Goodnight Margaret, my prayers are with you and your family.
Shirley
You’re not kidding! You should have Amanda tell you about the Weber Charcoal Grill I gave her for her birthday 2 years ago. It is the BEST grill and makes DELICIOUS steaks. However, she doesn’t like to grill or even eat steaks.
Hi Margaret,
Your blog made me laugh… kind of. I find gift giving and receiving to be very stressful. I’d rather just give something for no occasion at all and surprise the person with “I saw this and thought of you” (provided it’s not something like a gun or wrinkle cream :)) It’s all just stuff anyways.
I facetiously thought of the Gift Of The Magi- even when they were trying to be self-less, it backfired!
When I consider James 1:17, the pressure is off since I’m down here and it asserts that “every good thing bestowed and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights.” Can’t find that in any store!
If someone needs to slap me around a bit about my gift sharing attitude, go ahead!
Love,
Terry
P.S. I wonder how many crystal paperweights you will get now that you have shared your partiality to all things glass. Given that you have a history of throwing stones, I hope your house is made of better material. 🙂
Okay, TOTAL irony here. I know your blog today is not really about gifts per se… but I just walked into the math office and on my desk… is a gift… that I was not at all expecting…and put a complete smile on my face… no pressure, just fun.
What’d I get? The Michael Jackson Movie This Is It. Whhaaattt? Yeah, I know. I was only a fan when he was singing songs like Ben and I’ll Be There. But I felt so bad when he died, I got a little obsessed. A fellow math teacher gave it to me, because his wife also got obsessed, so he bought a copy for me, too, to thank me for working with him on geometry curriculum.
Pretty funny.
Terry