Nelson is exhausted like never before but overall seems to be doing better. In this entry he cheers himself up by thinking back to earlier years in Youth With A Mission and the people he met back then.

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September 1, 2022

I’m thankful for all the people who came to visit me at the hospital when I was almost dying [early July].

I’m thankful for people like Ken and Rob who made the trip across lots of miles to see me, and how long we’ve known each other.

We met in the late 90’s. That’s over 25 years ago. When I look at the pictures, it’s like we were kids back then, and I guess we were. Hawaii was free and wide open, unlike today.

I’m thankful to have known it then and to have had the chance to take it on wide open like we did, Brian and I, Ken, Rob, and others. What a place, what a time, what a blessing God gave us—what so many don’t get.

Lord, thank you for others we invited who joined, too, like Andrew and Angelo. Thank you that we made it to places people are now forbidden to go.

How cool it was to lead Kokua Crew and Little Red Church out there for 6 years, to have met Annso and married and done it together for all that time. How did I become the one to do that? Thank you for leading me to YWAM and all the other really cool people I met through that outfit. The numbers are huge.

Such amazing, risk-taking people who came there that I’ve known from back in 1996 up until even this year.

5:30 pm

The afternoons and evenings are not my time of the day. My energy level is totally sapped, and I’m struggling in so many ways. Annso is out walking with her Mom, and I’m just jotting a few things down to pass the time and get my mind free of a few things.

Today is a hard day. Will is sick and cries almost continuously. I feel so tired. It’s like I could sleep the clock round, but I don’t want to do that because it’s depressing for everyone else, and it might wind me up in the hospital.

Days like today, I wonder why this happened to us, but I know there are no answers really, and no real point in asking. There are all these healthy people walking around doing their thing, in my own family, out and about, and I am totally wiped out and ruined by this thing.

Right now, I feel about as empty and hollow as a human being can feel. I’m like a ghost who is dead, but I still live on in a shell of a body that’s totally worn out.

I used to take an oxycontin for the pain, and it would have a little high that went with it that I used to look forward to. But lately, there is nothing like that. My body has a high tolerance for all the dope I take, and nothing seems to do anything. I just pop all these pills morning, noon, and night like I’m supposed to.

You can’t base anything on feelings. Annso asks what’s wrong, and I have nothing legit to answer that justifies a person feeling bad. My symptoms are getting better, other than being dead tired, but that’s better than pain.

I’m a recovering alcoholic and feel all empty and hollow for no good reason. I need someone to come around and tell me to snap out of it by being happy on my own and pressing through, that I won’t feel like this forever.

We’re going to Michigan for Labor Day, staying at Drew and Jo’s place which will be nice. I hope it’s not too much for me to have many people around me for 3 straight days. We’ll see.

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“Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” (John 14:27)

Despite feeling physically bad, Nelson decides to spell out reasons for gratitude, right in the midst of “this nightmare,” landing on the goodness of God.

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September 1, 2022

Sitting in our little apartment at Heritage Manor kitchen, my usual 5:30 am quiet time before Annso and Will get up. Lots of medication going down the hatch at different times, trying to shake the sleeping hangover of aches and pains.

If I don’t know what else to write about, I can always write up a gratitude inventory. Thanksgiving does a lot for me. “Those who sacrifice thank offerings honor me, and to the blameless I will show my salvation.” (Psalm 50:23)

What a great psalm. I’m thankful for this season where I’m not doing ministry for a living, or pastoring, or leading Kokua Crew. I’m thankful that it strips me of false motives for reading my Bible or praying. I might ask for selfish things, but at least I’m really talking to God.

Thank you Lord for hearing my prayers and healing me from whatever I had yesterday. I pray you would heal up little Will from whatever he has and give Annso a break from being up all night with him. I’m thankful for her beyond words.

Thank you for the verse in James that reminds and almost commands us to ask for wisdom. “If any of you lacks wisdom…” Who doesn’t? Being aware that I lack wisdom, that there is a deficiency, I’m asking for God to fill me up in that area.

Thank you for bringing my journaling back and for bringing authenticity to my walk with you through this nightmare, Lord. If there was anything good about it, I’d say it’s good to be in a new town, a town with 4 seasons, not being in YWAM for a season, getting back my real prayer life again, being able to spend so much time with my little family, and possibly getting to realize my dream of buying a house with rental property on it.

I pray you would smooth things out with the tenants about the leases I’m having them sign, so I can get the loan from the bank in Chicago. I pray we would get that loan. I’m grateful to be giving this another try and not to be getting anyone to help us get the loan—that you, God, and I did it all by ourselves. It’s so much cooler that way.

Annso and I can say that as YWAMers living on support without real “jobs”, God provided money and credit to buy a house and put renters in there, so we have the chance to do what I’ve wanted to do for so long now. Of course it’s not in the bag yet, but we are closer than we’ve been before.

Thank you for the chance to live on the mainland in a “normal” place like we’ve wanted to try. Even in the suffering of this thing that we would never choose, you are doing so much. Even in the moment when it feels like I am sitting around wasting time, you are accomplishing so much.

You are showing me your character and how you fight for us like you fought for Israel against the Egyptians at the Red Sea crossing, “…You need only to stand firm, and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring for you today.” That’s us. Thank you.

I’m so thankful for the partnership between us and Brentwood Baptist Church over these past 12 years. Hard to believe it’s been that long. Thank you for the nurture team and their prayers for us, for your orchestration of that whole thing without me even realizing what you were doing. You are so good to us. Thank you.

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“The Lord is good, a stronghold in the day of trouble. He knows those who take refuge in him.” (Nahum 1:7)

Nelson admits to being in denial about the severity of his cancer, but not to the point of lying to himself. In this entry he tries to reconcile both views.

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August 31, 2022

5:45 pm

Today has been a challenge. I don’t feel that great, took 4 hours worth of naps, and Annso reminded me that I’m probably not in a great place physically if I’m that tired. I know that, but don’t want to admit it to myself or anyone else. It’s a reminder that I’m not out of the woods, and I still have cancer.

As many people told me in the hospital, “You are a very sick person.” Thanks. I know. Please don’t remind me.

I sort of live in denial and lie to myself, telling myself and acting like I’m not sick. At the same time, I’m thinking that something can make improvement a reality and actually affect the outcome, so it’s not technically a lie.

I do the best I can to rest and take care of myself, but I also want to do things with my family, like go out to the pool this afternoon and be in the pictures.

I hope we can go to Michigan this Labor Day weekend. I don’t want to cancel it like I did before, but I’d rather be sick here than grinding it out over there in case something gets worse and I need to call in the big dogs at the hospital. Heaven forbid that’s needed again.

Please, Lord, help me to be able to pull through this little sickness whatever it is. I know it’s something, but please help it not to be everything.

Annso is such a strength, as always, taking my vitals and encouraging me in whatever way she can, so thank you for her, Lord. I get nervous and afraid when I think of going back to the ER and being admitted again, so I pray that doesn’t happen.

Please Lord, I beg you not to have that happen. Please don’t allow it.

I want to keep pulling out of this, not backtracking into it again. Thank you for a good immune system, for a great wife who loves me despite the challenges, for my in-laws, for the baby boy, for the house we are trying to buy, for encouragement from people who are praying, for the fact that I’m alive at all.

I could have died a while back several times, and I know that. I pray for the stamina to get through this phase, whatever “this” is. None of us mortals know what will happen to us, and this situation reminds me of that more than anything I’ve lived through before.

Life seems long, and so much has happened. 50 years is a long time. Thank you, Lord, for a good 50 years. I pray for another few decades at least, with this awesome little family you gave me. You don’t have to give it to me, but I pray for it anyway.

This illness has tested me and continues to do so.

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“The crucible is for silver, and the furnace is for gold, and the Lord tests hearts.” (Proverbs 17:3)