I’ve not read ahead in Nelson’s electronic journal but am taking them one at a time. Because of that, I’m never sure where Nelson’s thoughts will go. Many have asked why Ann Sophie and I are posting these entries. The answer is that both of us have learned much from Nelson and have been encouraged by the way he handled this painful crisis. We’ve been lifted by Nelson’s stalwart faith and are hoping the same for you readers. We all have to fight battles in this world, and it could be that Nelson’s example can give us all the fortitude we need to press on while tightly holding onto God.

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September 10, 2022

Thank you for our marriage and for little Will and how he is and for his life and that we were able to have him. I pray for the ability to have at least 1 more to play and live with him, and for me to get the life to live with them.

So far, it seems dark and scary, but we are all alive and doing lots of things. We are living life to the full. “…in the fullness of life with everything at stake…” was the statement Dietrich Bonhoeffer made about how he thinks the Christian is supposed to live.

That’s the way I want to live and the way I want to die. They can put that on my headstone. ”He lived the same way he died, in the fullness of life with everything at stake.”

Lord, I thank you for the personality you gave me, to take risks, to get out there, to travel, to marry, to have children, to be a Christian, to live on donated support, to take risks like buying this house, even though we are going through this cancer ordeal at the same time.

I want my life to be about others and living for them. I pray for the strength to live, so I can take care of this family you gave me, Lord. You answered that prayer, now please answer this one for more time. Give me more time for others, for Annso, for Will, and for our other unborn children. I pray for at least 20 more years.

We are acting as if we will live for a long time, and that’s what I am believing you for. “To you, Lord, I called; to the Lord I cried for mercy: What is gained if I am silenced, if I go down to the pit? Will the dust praise you? Will it proclaim your faithfulness? Hear, Lord, and be merciful to me; Lord, be my help.” (Psalm 30:8-10)

That’s a good way to put my prayer into words, praying the scripture back to God. You, Lord, can do it, and if your word is true and you are real, you might do it for me. I pray that you will.

The writer makes a good point here. What good am I if I die? Even if I got to heaven to be with you and others who went before, which is what we hope to be true, what’s the difference of a few more years down here if heaven lasts forever? Please give me more time. Amen.                                          

Later, 3 pm

Annso lies beside me reading, Will naps, I napped before a monster lunch with Ralph and Astrid, so I’m not tired. I get really bloated and full and can hardly breath, but I still eat a lot.

When I was sleeping or maybe just after, I had a thought about the people I meet. I talked with Karl [cousin] a long time about almost dying when I was in Michigan. He asked me how I felt at that point, and I was honest. I said, “I was scared to death.”

I met Tom yesterday and the maintenance man here at Heritage Manor apartments. After each interaction, I felt like I could have shared the gospel in some way, but for me, I am a Christian in the mornings when I have the word, but at other times I don’t feel I should be saved at all.

Is there anyone out there who is really secure in his faith concerning death when it’s right in front of you? Or are all people scared? I don’t want to die at all.

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“Whether we live or whether we die, we are the Lord’s.” (Romans 14:8)

Nelson wonders if he’ll be alive long enough to get gray hair, so he asks God for more time. And as always, the purchase of the house is a healthy distraction for an unhealthy young man.

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September 10, 2022

“Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he; I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you.” (Isaiah 46:4)

I’ll take it, because lately it didn’t seem like I’d make it into the grey hair period of life at all. This morning, I feel so bad with this neck pain they can’t figure out and general pain in my hips and joints for no good reason. It doesn’t seem like I’m getting better at all. But I’ll take a promise like that.

God will sustain me, he will carry me, then sustain again and rescue me. “For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.” (Psalm 30:5)

Thank you Lord for those encouraging verses. Your word is true and strong. You are faithful. Here in these dark, morning times, you feel present. You feel closer than when I feel different in the afternoon. I lean on you to get me through this time.

I have no idea how long this will last. I have no idea if the suffering will end when I die or before that. Sometimes it’s hard not to know how long. I saw a little line written on the wall at the hospital yesterday that said. “Fighting since Sept.2007,” and I thought, wow. You really can fight it out with this stuff.

It’s a death sentence when you get the diagnosis, and then every day is a gift, even though you feel like crap lots of the time. I pray for the strength to fight, Lord. When we are weak, then you show your power and strength.

We are buying a house right now in the midst of this. Thank you for that, Lord. We are still doing things. Thank you that I was able to get a fish tank and set it up and make it beautiful and have Cichlids in it right now that I can look at.

Thank you for little Will, who we are raising right now. Thank you for my power-house wife who takes care of all of us through this ordeal. You give me so much, and I am thankful for each person. Thank you for Ralph and Astrid.

Thank you that Tom agreed to move out of the downstairs apartment. Nov. 1, as I asked. I pray you would bless him in some way for being a nice guy, and that anything that’s been taken from him for being nice would be returned to him without his own effort.

I pray you would introduce yourself to him personally in some way. He seems like such a nice guy when I talked to him yesterday. Thank you for the success I met with yesterday in those areas.

I pray we can find the 1099s on this computer somehow, maybe Annso can find them. I pray we get the loan. Thank you for the call yesterday from Sofie, the broker to help us with it.

Thank you for the introduction from Bates [Klaus] to Mike. Thank you that we have an insurance guy here, and I can get various kinds of insurance here in Minnesota, thanks to [cousin] Luke.

I pray today can be a pain free day and that I can make steps to recover today instead of steps backward. Thank you for the amount of work Annso puts into my recovery. She is a saint and personifies the Proverbs 31 wife and much of the rest of scripture through this time.

Annso proves the vows she took on August 26, 2017, when we married and they said, “through sickness and health, till death do us part” for sure. Thank you for leading me to her and not to anyone else. She is a saint, and we were meant to be together.

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“This is the day the Lord has made. We will rejoice and be glad in it.” (Psalm 118:24)

Nelson acknowledges God as the worker of wonders and miracles, asking for one for himself.

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September 9, 2022

I am so grateful to you, Lord, for bringing me to this place. You have almost done a massive miracle and given us this triplex house, and without any conventional income, you have performed a miracle there. I’m so grateful.

I sit here with all this pain, and I fear what it could mean, and will I end up at the ER again? Will it kill me in a year or two, even though I’m giving it all I’ve got? But you have me in your hand, Lord, even if you kill me, so I’m trying not to be afraid.

It’s up to you if Annso and Will are left without a husband and father. I sure am doing everything I can. I pray you give me more life and at least enough to raise him up and send him off into the world. That would be amazing, to get another 20 years.

You did it for Hezekiah. You can do it for me too. Why not? You have done one miracle after another in my life and saved me plenty of times. Why not one more? I’m only 49. I’m not ready to be done. Amen.

It’s crazy how you can have something hit you like you never imagined and only feared in a distant kind of way, that changes your life (or maybe even ends it) forever. Getting Cancer like I did, totally out of the blue, is a pretty heavy test.

It’s a test not to envy others who are healthy and feel good all day long, who don’t feel tired all the time, who, even at 70 years of age, probably feel better than I do most of the time—who can lift and carry things, walk up stairs as fast as they can handle, and don’t have to worry about winding up going to the ER for any random reason.

You just have to boot those thoughts right when they come to you, and try to persuade yourself that you are worthy of this test and that at some point, it will be over.

5:30 pm

 Annso, Astrid, and the Baby Boy are shopping while I work on the house loan application. They want lots of info, 1099s, proof that I didn’t know the seller before this purchase came into existence, and form after form I sign. It’s a lot of work, but Josh told me it was like a part time job, getting his house. I hope it will be worth it in the long run.

I talked to one of the tenants, Tom, and he agreed to be out November 1, which is a great thing for us, meaning we can leave at the end of this lease here at Heritage Manor [apt. complex].

It seems like God is helping us a lot, and it looks like we might actually get the loan, which would mean we will actually buy this house. And that is another miracle for sure. Thank you Lord, in advance for that. I never thought it would be possible for us to buy a house, much less in the condition I am in right now.

It seems like every Friday I am working on something like this loan and then the bankers and lawyers all shut down. It’s funny. Maybe just coincidence. We keep marching forward, signing things and proving other things until this thing is over.

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“You are the God who works wonders. You have made known your might.” (Psalm 77:14)