As always, advanced cancer is a mixed bag. Before this entry, Nelson and Ann Sophie have met with the head oncologist, Dr. Mansfield, who doesn’t sugar coat the facts. Nelson appreciates that, and often says, “Give me the whole truth, Doc.” The trouble is, the whole truth often includes bad news.

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November 16, 2022

Today I had a couple scans that yielded mixed results. Basically they are mostly positive. There was one spot that grew, some new growth that wasn’t there last time around, but mostly others either didn’t grow or shrunk.

Dr. Mansfield wants to double the chemo medication dose and attempt to deal with the side effects. He thinks the cancer is changing and adapting to the drugs, and we’ll get one more boost from the current stuff if we double the dose.

Meanwhile, he wants to appeal for this other set of drugs that’s been approved for Melanoma but not for what I have. He says it will work just as good, and the cancer doesn’t “know it” yet. Also, he thinks I’ll tolerate those drugs better.

The insurance company will reject his appeal a few times, but he thinks they’ll go for it after a round of ‘back-and-forth,’ which he estimates will take a month or 2. He said he expects most of these genetic match drugs to “plateau” after a while and lose their potency. That’s when you go with your plan B.

I’m glad he has a plan B. We can pray I can stand whatever side effects come with the increased dose, which will start tomorrow morning.

I have also had a fracture in a vertebrae, which has caused me tremendous pain in the past month. It’s been better over the past week, but I have to take it easier with lifting or any physical pressure, because other “breaks” can happen just as easy, even though the healed bones are stronger. There is still a systemic weakness in my bones wherever the cancer has eaten into previously.

After the meeting, I was a little down thinking, “How long will this go on? Is this my new norm, being sick pretty much all the time for years and years? Can I handle that? How hard will this be on my family?”

It’s easy to let thoughts come in that are discouraging… that focus on the hard parts without giving the high points any ground. I am making a point of focusing on, and being thankful for, the periods I do feel good, trying not to get out ahead too far into the future. I’m thankful for the prayers and dedication to us during this difficult time.

We are also moving tomorrow, so I hope to have the energy for that, without doing too much.

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“Lord…be my rock of refuge, to whom I can continually go.” (Psalm 71:3)

In this entry Nelson writes about feeling like a prisoner without any chance of being set free. But God’s opinion of captives encourages to him.

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November 15, 2022

Today I have some scans to show where I am with the chemo progress. Hard to even write that, and believe it. Who has chemo? Me? What? It’s hard to believe it’s happening to me.

All these aches and pains I have all the time, at least a dozen pills I take every day, how often I go to the doc when I used to go next to never. Hanging on for dear life and instead of confidence and strength, I have uncertainty and total reliance on God, but that’s probably better than whatever it was I had before.

We have to have all our stuff moved out of our apartment tomorrow and all the construction done today. It’s a lot of painting and laying a couple laminate floors, which is the thing I didn’t really want to do, but due to time constraints, we do it this way.

I think it will prove to be the best way in the long run. I figure we won’t sell this place unless someone comes and gives us an offer, so what does it matter as long as it looks good and functions properly for the most part?

“As for me, afflicted and in pain—may your salvation, God, protect me. I will praise God’s name in song and glorify him with thanksgiving. This will please the Lord more than an ox, more than a bull with its horns and hooves. The poor will see and be glad—you who seek God, may your hearts live! The Lord hears the needy and does not despise his captive people.” (Psalm 69:29-33)

I would say I feel like a captive person. I am in a prison of sickness. I would love to get out and would pretty much do anything to get out, but I’m stuck here.

I pray and so do many others, but I’m still a captive so far. I think of a friend who is in prison in another country, and the churches are praying he gets released. I feel like that guy.

We are begging God to get me out of here, but so far, there are shadows of hope here and there, but nothing total, nothing complete. But these verses tell us that we are heard by God and that he doesn’t despise his captive people.

God reaches out to his people who are held captive. Lots of things can hold people captive. Addictions, prisons, jails, disease, pretty much anything that you’re locked into and can’t get out of. God is with the prisoners.

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“The oppressed will be set free.” (Luke 4:18)

Nelson has accepted the hard fact that he can’t physically work hard on the house they’re about to move into but has to let others do it for him. It’s a humbling that doesn’t come easy.

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November 12, 2022

Thank you Lord for the first little accumulation of snow this morning when I opened up the shutters.

Thankful for the progress on the house, for the helpers that come from everywhere to lend a hand to us.

I’m thankful I was able to put that lung catheter placement behind me yesterday. Thank you that it went well and everything panned out.

November 14, 2022

Got the big scans tomorrow, which will show where we’re at with the chemo, and tell us if the cancer is still responding well to the treatment or not. There’s this weird swelling in my ankles and wrists that seems to be new.

Annso is worried about it and rightfully so. I just look at it like, “If God wants me to live, I’ll live through all these little trials along the way, and if not, I won’t. No amount of my trying to change anything will change the outcome.”

I honestly think I’ll live through it, but I don’t know how long ultimately I’ll last, just that I’ll be around for a while longer. Would he really bring me this far and do all this just to have me die now?

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We closed on the house that we’re moving into the day after tomorrow, been fixing it up a little bit. It needs a lot, but we set the line and go only that far. It’s hard for me to work on it only about 30 minutes a day and let the other guys do it all, but it’s the way it is for me.

God is teaching me to lay back and let it all go, just to do what I can. And the “what I can” part for me on this one is to get the house itself, and that I did. But the moving, the painting, hammering and drilling, the stuff I really like to do, others are doing—because I can’t do that stuff for more than a few minutes without getting totally winded and lightheaded.

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“Keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord.” (Romans 12:11)