This Thanksgiving is unlike any other. Some of us are gathered in Michigan, but many of us are elsewhere—especially Nelson, needing to stay close to the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota, and to avoid too much have a minimum of excitement.

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November 24, 2022

Thanksgiving Day.

Spent the day at Pastor Kevin’s with his wife and their little family. So nice of them to have us. The Dietrich’s tagged along, and it was a pleasure to have them as well.

I’ve been struggling most days with the new treatment of double doses of the two drugs together. Glad we opted out of going down to Michigan. It would have been way too much for us, for me for sure.

I feel so weak and tired and sick. It’s mostly tightness in my chest, trouble getting enough air, constant threat of fevers. I don’t know if I’m coming or going, to be honest.

I’m fighting panic attacks all the time. I struggle not to take Lorazepam, most of the time wanting some relief, but they make me so tired, and I already feel dead tired.

I’m a mess, and when I was taking these drugs before, I told myself, “Next time just tell yourself, ‘It’s only the drugs. You don’t really feel all that bad.’” But at this moment, right now, the fear that is grabbing a hold of me is tough to overcome with those words.

I know they are only drugs, but I’m scared. I pray instead:

Lord, help me please. Please help me overcome these physiological ailments. Help me lean on you instead of these drugs that don’t really work anyway. Help me to stand up and hang onto you. I don’t even know what that means really, but please help me do it.

You are my Shepherd. You lead me beside still waters. You help me to lie down in peace in green pastures. You prepare a table before me in the presence of our enemies and got us this house. You do amazing things when I don’t even see it.

Help my lungs to clear out. Help me to see a real live miracle. I have the faith, Lord. You are the Great Physician. You can heal. You can take away this cancer. You can bring me out into a spacious place.

Please refresh my soul and do it for your name’s sake. Right now I feel I am in the darkest valley, but I will fear no evil. Your rod and your staff they comfort me. You have anointed my head with oil, over and over. I pray that your power would come on me only by your Spirit.

Thank you for my family, for our little house, for the love we have and especially for Annso. She is such a rock for me. So steady. I’m so thankful that she’s not super up and down.

Thank you that I’m not at the hospital and am healthy enough to be here with everyone.

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“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me.” (Psalm 23:4)

From Margaret: The reason we’re posting Nelson’s journal entries on this web site is because we’re hoping all of us can be encouraged. Nelson was an example of how to keep faith strong while waging war against the struggles of this world. All of us have battles to fight, and all of us are tempted to lose hope when things look bad.

Many of the entries Nelson wrote in his journal were thoughts he didn’t share with us at the time. Now we’re learning the nitty-gritty of how he made it through.

Ann Sophie and I haven’t read ahead in the journal but are taking his writings one day at a time. Through these posts, we’re hoping to learn from Nelson’s example how we (and you, too), can continue trusting God, even on our darkest days.

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November 22, 2022

“A person can do nothing better than to eat and drink and find satisfaction in their own toil. This too, I see, is from the hand of God, for without him, who can eat or find enjoyment? To the person who pleases him, God gives wisdom, knowledge and happiness, but to the sinner he gives the task of gathering and storing up wealth, to hand it over to the one who pleases God. This too is meaningless, a chasing after the wind.” (Ecclesiastes 2:24-26)

Trying to pull myself out of a hole this morning. The night was a doozy. I won’t go into details, but it was puking and trouble breathing, which has been normal for me lately. Will and Annso are in the bedroom, and I’m in the chair in the living room.

I just took a walk to the Caribou Coffee by the clinic to get an espresso to pick me up this afternoon. It’s the beginning of the winter, and it’s getting darker earlier and earlier.

I am fighting panic about breathing, pretty much all the time. I pray, Lord, that you would help me overcome these fears, so I don’t need to make Annso nervous, too.

We are this little family, and I feel like we’re a flickering light that’s about to be blown out…. every day. But somehow we last another day.

I don’t know why you allowed this to happen to us, Lord, but we trust you with the outcome at the end, and thank you for the evidence of things along the way. Amen.

I don’t know whether or not I’m relying on you, Lord. I rely on coffee, Annso, Morphine, and a handful of other things, but you give those things, so maybe I do rely on you. Who knows.

I see your hand all around us, getting things for us like this house that I never could have gotten without a miracle. The lines are grey, but I would give you the glory, if given the chance.

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“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart…” (Psalm 73:26)

In this journal entry, Nelson wishes for another 30 years of earthly life. It’s difficult to read, because we know he only got another 30 days or so. He brings up his rebellious past with gratitude that God spared his life during those “wild” days to come to the joys of a life submitted to Christ, a happy marriage, and the wonder of fatherhood. But….

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November 20, 2022

It’s about 13 degrees out today, so I guess leaving Kona, we got what we wanted in the weather. Fall went by in a flash, and now winter is here, and it’s only November 20. Probably get a little more Indian Summer, but nothing above 40.

The heat works good in this house, even though it’s the old, water kind. The place is cozy, and we like it. The only problem is fitting Will in with the sleeping arrangement, so it works. Having a baby is a challenge if he’s not sleeping, which, for the moment, he’s not doing too well at.

Lord, thank you for our new place. I pray for wisdom on how to set it up, where to put Will. Should we build a wall, stick with the sunroom, or what? I pray for God-given ideas and a way that works long-term.

Thank you that we have the baby and the house. These were 2 things we were praying for, and now we have them. You are a prayer-hearing, prayer-answering God. Amen.

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Struggling hard-style here, Lord. I feel horrible. Pretty much determined that going to Michigan for Thanksgiving [with extended family] is not worth the trouble. If I were healthy, I’d do it, but feeling like I do, Lord, I think we’ll skip it this time.

I pray you would ease up on the pain from these symptoms. The Morphine provides some relief, but that’s only a couple times per day. Mostly I have intense back pain and am battling fevers with Tylenol. For now, they are working. Then I thought…

“To this I will appeal: the years when the Most High stretched out his right hand. I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago. I will consider all your works and meditate on all your mighty deeds.” (Psalm 77:10-12)

Lord, you have done it before. You can do it again. Only this time the stakes are higher. I suppose I bank on you helping me through this one. Otherwise why did you help me not get my head knocked off in Texas by the train when I was 18?

Why wasn’t I killed in that Jeep wreck in 1992? Why didn’t I die in all those rides when I drove drunk in a total blackout, only to remember bits and pieces of going through 15 mph tolls at 75 mph and having those memories verified by others?

What about driving drunk on a motorcycle countless time en route back from Sycamore Speedway? Why did you save me all those times, only to let this one snuff me out? In my thinking, if you wanted to do it, those would have fit much better.

Now I have a wonderful wife and little boy who will both suffer more if I am no longer around. Please save my life for their sake, so I can raise Will and be a partner for Annso, which I committed to do. I made the vow before you God, so please let me finish it.

I know there’s the “til death do us part” thing, but let’s make death a long way off, even another 30 years, so I can be with them. The story you are writing, Lord, is so fitting if I were to live a long and fruitful life, even if it’s this life, which is nothing like we would have planned it.

You are sovereign and all-knowing, so your ways are higher than mine, but please answer my prayers, Lord. Please grant my request for their sake.

If I were single, I could make peace with it and lay down in a couple years or even less if you gave me no choice. But this way, I have to fight until the end no matter what. I won’t make peace with it unless there is absolutely no other way and you take the choice from me.

Let me glorify your name through my life and the miracles you are doing on a daily basis. David appealed to the years when you favored him, and I do the same. I look back and see the times I could have died, and this is now one of them. Even though it’s different, I ask the outcome to be the same. Amen.

In response to me asking Annso what she wanted out of life before we were even married, she said:

“There is really only one thing I want in life before I die. And that’s simple– Life with you and have a family together. Grow old with you, see our kids grow up and live every day together, share everything and make memories together.”

I couldn’t have said it better myself.

Lord, please let her request come true. It’s a simple one, and you can do it despite the opposition and the demonic claim on my life to destroy me before the appointed time, but you made and set the times.

Nothing can separate me from your love or your plan. May we see it unfold and go on despite the fight. It’s so complicated…. the doctors, the diagnosis, the medical facts, but all that aside, you can do this and help me overcome and LIVE!

Like the song says, “Give me oil in my lamp, keep me burning til the break of day.” Amen again.

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I’m sitting in our kitchen in our new place at 7pm. Annso is doing the night-time routine, and I’m cleaning up, which is mine. We are trying to figure out where Will can sleep, but our house is shaped so weird, it’s hard to hear him in the room we have in the front of our house.

It’s also cold in that room, and I worry about the heater we have in that room. I don’t want a fuse to blow and it to suddenly become 20 degrees in there, which it can. Please show me a way to set this up so it works.

We are right at the front of winter, and I know there is a way for us to do this so Annso and I can sleep together in the same bed and Will can sleep in his own room and we can hear him when he wakes up. Another simple thing for you, Lord. Just give the idea and I’ll do it.

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“The mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace…” ( Romans 8:6)